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How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 2

How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 2

by | Feb 2, 2017 | Mental Health, Resources, Support Groups

Note to Reader: We have great respect for the administrators who have to make difficult decisions within their school districts. I am writing this blog post because I have personally seen great changes made among the school districts in our area addressing issues with “the bad kids”. 

Recently I spoke with a counselor at one of our alternative (disciplinary) schools. She told me a story about a young man who recently got sent back to his campus after trying to get re-instated at a new campus in his district (his family had recently moved). It turns out the principal at this school was this young man’s principal in 7th grade, and essentially, the principal denied this young man’s entry onto his campus because of the student’s bad behavior in middle school.

Let that sink in. After several years, this principal held a grudge against this student and denied access to traditional public education, forcing the student to go to alternative placement. Because of past sins, this student has been “marked” so to speak and will struggle to have access to the same levels of education as his peers.

This isn’t an isolated story. A big part of my group work is in alternative schools, and this story rises to the surface over and over. Most of the kids I work with got in trouble in elementary and middle school, and they developed a reputation. They were put on “the list” and feel singled out or watched by administrators. From a very young age, they were labeled “the bad kid”.

These are powerful messages, even if they might be earned in some way. They trickle down into the hearts of students who are told over and over how bad they are. Or, the message is sent that they are not wanted when they are repeatedly suspended or sent to alternative schools. After a while, they just accept they are “bad” and start playing the part.

Unfortunately, the statistics are starting to bear this idea out along racial and intellectual lines. Students of color or who are in the minority are much more likely to be suspended or expelled, especially if they have some kind of learning disability. One of our local major school districts suspended over half of the African American males in the district while over 25% of all students in the district were suspended or third partied. And, this is a huge district!

Studies have shown that students who are suspended or expelled are much more likely to drop out of school or repeat a grade. In fact, a study of all 7th graders in Texas over a three year period showed 31% of students who were suspended repeated a grade, compared to only 5% who didn’t get suspended.

For many reading this, it might seem like there is a little bit of blaming going on here. If the students just followed the rules, they wouldn’t be in trouble, right? Well, yes and no. When you look back thirty or forty years, school suspensions were very low. It was really hard to get suspended from school in the 70’s. But several factors, including Colombine in 1997 changed all of that. With Colombine, the idea of “Zero Tolerance” and putting police officers on school campuses became the norm. When the idea of “Zero Tolerance” takes root in an administration, many misbehaviors can fall under that pretense.

For those reading this post who might struggle with this concept, understand that things have changed dramatically on school campuses over the last 40 years. But our students are the ones suffering the long term consequences of “Zero Tolerance” and over suspending schools.

There is much more to say on this. In the meantime, if you want more context for the statistics I mentioned above, I encourage you to spend some time looking at these articles which will point you towards growing data showing these troubling trends.

The School to Prison Pipeline, explained – this is a great primer for this topic. Lot’s of links out to articles and research.

Out of school and off-track (An in-depth study out of UCLA on school suspensions)

I believe in my last post I promised some solutions, but I felt like discussing the problem a little further, while providing some context through research would help. In my next post, I plan to talk a little bit about what is being done to address some of these issues and some positive ways forward. Let us know what you think!

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
On Fistfights and the Angry Student

On Fistfights and the Angry Student

by | Nov 10, 2016 | Mental Health, Support Groups

Last week I had a “first” in one of my Support Groups.

About fifteen minutes into group, two young men on opposite ends of the table started talking at each other, but in quiet voices. I checked in on both of them to make sure everything was okay – and they assured me they were fine. Then before I knew it, the two young men were in an all-out brawl until the staff at our location broke up the fight.

It all happened so quickly and without warning that it took me a little while to recover from the incident. I just didn’t expect for something like that to happen – especially in a place that was supposed to be safe for students.

This has gotten me thinking a lot since then about anger – especially within adolescents. This situation had been brewing for a while, obviously – but the simple fact remains that two young men decided to take all of their anger and frustration out on each other – all because of a series of softly spoken words across the table.

When anger flashes like this, we have to assume it all exists just under the surface. It is gasoline waiting for a spark, a pressure cooker just at the limits. For so many teenagers, life has happened in such a way that lends credence to cascades of overwhelming negative emotions.

In my own life, I find I get the angriest when things seem overwhelming or out of control. Whenever I lose my sense of agency or ability to affect change, I get angry. And I am often surprised about the nature and intensity of the anger when it comes over me.

If I can feel bouts of anger as a privileged white middle-class male from a good family, imagine how difficult it must be for any teenager in a situation they feel they have no control!

The truth is – many of us do not remember what it feels like to be a teenager. I know I barely remember. Spending time around teens, I sense an anxiety and feeling of hopelessness about their future and what choices they have. While many would say this upcoming generation is more privileged and has more opportunities than ever – in reality, they have less certainty about their future.

This coupled with increasingly taxing school/family/social environments and we see situations like the story above.

So much of this immeshed, but those of us who love and serve teenagers can help untangle these emotions – even a little bit.

 

1. Anger should not be met with anger. When a student explodes or loses control of their anger, obviously make sure they are safe – then let them get it out. As an adult, you get the opportunity to model a healthy response. When anger is met with anger, we will not find de-escalation. We only find division and pain.

2. Agree upon a viable source for the anger. These outbursts are not the teenager being a jerk. These emotions come from a real place of pain and frustration. Identifying the frustration and giving it legitimacy leads to a healthier discourse about how to better handle those strong emotions.

3. Find a way to help the student apologize. Owning up to the damage we do through our anger can lead to healing.

4. Validate the human emotion of anger – then find a healthy way to deal. We all get angry. It is normal and healthy. Yet, the ways we handle anger become the thin line between trouble and success. Sometimes if we handle our anger just a little better – things would turn out differently.

 

There are many resources available online and locally to help learn new skills and strategies for dealing with anger. Often times it is just finding a safe person to express frustrations.

We would all be a lot better if we found a healthy way to deal with our anger.

What ways have you seen people deal with anger in a healthy way?

Chris Robey, Teen Lifeline’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
The Power of “Me Too”

The Power of “Me Too”

by | Oct 6, 2016 | Events, Mental Health, Parenting, Support Groups

Earlier this week, we held our 2nd annual Teen Lifeline Fundraising Dinner & Auction, and I am still blown away by the generosity and support that come from this night. One of my favorite parts of the night came when Beverly Ross spoke truth over the audience.

If you haven’t heard of Beverly Ross or Wise County Christian Counseling, I would encourage you to go check them out!

At this dinner, Beverly Ross challenged us by saying, “We need to teach our children that it’s not going to be okay. It’s going to be hard, but you’re never going to do it alone.”

Until she said this, I had never thought about the danger of saying, “It’s going to be okay!” When little kids are upset, we tell them it will be okay. When someone dies, we say that it will be okay eventually. In those teenage years, we talk about their future and that everything will be better – friends, parent relationships, school, drama, their purpose…the list could go on and on.

But can we guarantee that everything will be okay? That things will get better?

We cannot promise that their life will be perfect or happy or even “okay,” but we can promise the teenagers around us that when it gets hard, when life is less than okay, that they will have someone to walk with them. They are not alone. They don’t have to struggle by themselves.

This is the power of Teen Lifeline Support Groups! More than anything, they provide a safe place for teenagers to talk about things that are both okay and not okay. They give perspective and understanding for other people’s struggles. They make sure that every teen participating has at least one adult and a group of peers to do life with.

As Beverly said, there are few words more powerful than “me too!” In the midst of pain, heartache, struggles, questions and life in general, teenagers need to be surrounded by others who can say, “Me too!”

“Me too” implies understanding and acceptance.

Think back to your teenage years. Did you ever feel alone, different, lost? What would have happened if someone had looked you in the eye and said, “Me too.”

Let’s stop making empty promises to our children. Telling them that it’s going to be okay is not helpful for anyone when you can’t actually guarantee what their future is going to look like. What is helpful is giving them a chance to meet and be encouraged by others who understand what they are going through. No fixing is required. You don’t have to have all of the answers, but take the time to listen and respond with, “Me too.”

So, what do you think? How has the phrase, “Me too,” impacted your life? What can we say instead of, “It’s going to be okay?” Share your thoughts and stories with us!

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Lifeline’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.