by Chris Robey | Apr 7, 2016 | Parenting
It’s kind of creepy to think about, but you are being watched. And while many are in denial about this fact, it is true and we need to find a way to believe it, accept it, and act accordingly.
To tell you what I mean, let me back up a few weeks. I had gotten on one of my famous, yet short-lived, health kicks and decided I would get back in shape. One of the ways that has worked the best for me is by doing the “Insanity” workout videos. They are a whooping, but I’ve not found anything that works better for me. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would come home for lunch to do the workout, and typically my family was there as well since my wife is off on those days.
My five year old started watching me do my “workouts” and asked if he could join in. I told him he could do the exercises, but to be careful and not overdo it.
That’s when I felt really old and out of shape. My five year old started in on these exercises and killed it. He was doing the jumping jacks, up/downs, pushups, and mountain climbers with ease while I was trying to save my breath to live another day.
But I noticed something as he joined me in my workouts. Every time I stopped to take a break, he would do the same. This was especially the case as we both got more tired. And the thing was, I could have kept pushing, but I chose to stop. So, he did as well.
This might be a simple observation, but it has stuck in my head. What I do, my kid does. When I get mad and yell, it tells him he is okay to do it as well. When I don’t eat healthy, he will go for the candy. When I watch too much TV, he will do the same.
Its this really simple idea that so many adults need to understand. Our kids watch us, no matter the age. I still watch my parents and follow their lead as a 37-year-old. And if you have a teenager in your life, I assure you they are watching you and acting accordingly.
The old line “do as I say, not as I do” is a load of garbage – and we know it. Those of us who work with teenagers or children need to understand our crucial role in leading and caring for the younger generation.
As a child becomes a teenager, they will likely take your counsel less and less and depend more on what they see from you. Here are some of the things I think teenagers watch for from their parents and mentors:
- How they deal with adversity
- How they treat those who they deem “lower than themselves”
- How they handle themselves on social media
- How they interact with and use technology
- What they spend their time doing
- How they talk about people in authority (teachers, coaches, political leaders, law enforcement)
- How they treat their friends
- And, pretty much everything else I didn’t mention
To my adult friends who are reading this, take your role seriously. You are leading and influencing, even if you don’t think you are a leader or influencer. You can make more of a difference now by remembering who is watching you, and living up to that expectation.
What do you think about this? How have you seen this reality play out in your relationships with teenagers?
Chris Robey, Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
by Chris Robey | Mar 21, 2016 | Events, Support Groups
We are only 2 weeks away from the 7th annual #TL5K!
If you would like to donate or help by becoming a fundraiser, visit our #TL5K site!
One of our weekly groups is a year-round group at a local adolescent drug rehab. We have been working at this facility for over four years now, and I can honestly say it can be the most rewarding or frustrating experience of my week. These are young men who are battling addictions at a very young age and are (primarily) court ordered to go through 45-60 days of rehabilitation.
There are 16 boys on the unit at all times, so you can imagine how up and down these boys can get. A few weeks back, I had to completely shut down the group because the boys were not only being disrespectful of me, but also of each other. Nothing was getting done, and it seemed like they had all decided to quit on the group before we ever got started.
I don’t have to shut groups down very often. I try to exhaust all of my options before I make the call, but when I do, I typically do so with something specific in mind:
Next time.
You see, when I have to come down hard on a group because of behavior or disrespect, I try to do so with a bigger plan in mind. While I hate to boot out a whole group of students from a week of support group that could be potentially helpful, I know the next week when we meet, things will be better.
Things will be better because when we meet again, I don’t hold anything against them. They failed to make the group happen last week. Maybe I failed as a leader. But, what is most important is how we move on. We can make it better together. I’m going to show up with the a positive attitude believing they can fix the problem.
And guess what? They always do. Anytime I’ve had to call out students on their behavior or attitude, they respond when I come back with the expectation that they will make it better and fix the problem.
We can do a great service to teenagers when we believe that they can get better. Adults have incredible power to influence students in a positive way by having hope that they can make positive and meaningful changes.
What can you communicate today to a student that will help them make meaningful change?
Chris Robey, Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
by Chris Robey | Feb 25, 2016 | Blog, Parenting
How do you help teenagers make good choices? It starts small.
When it comes to making a decision, many people would rather not. There is always inherent risk when it comes to choosing a path, no matter how grandiose or miniscule. You could easily choose the wrong path, then potentially face ridicule from the 20/20 vision of future observers.
I am a reluctant decision maker. Usually, I am the one called upon to choose where the group eats or to choose the focus or direction of a conversation within a new group. I likely appear comfortable with the task, but inside I can be riddled with doubt and anxiety. Usually I’ll make the choice because no one else will. But it would be untrue to say that I am the one who wants to decide because I always think I’ll make the right choice.
Yet, to grow and lead in this world, we have to find a way to make choices and to hopefully make good choices.
We are often hesitant to make any choice – why is that?
I come from a faith background that talks a lot about finding God’s will for our lives. You hear about “waiting for God to speak” and trying to discern what God is desiring for one’s life choices. Often you will find this language peppered throughout sermons and private prayer lives – hoping God will rescue us from having to make the tough choices.
You see it in the second guessing of people who do have to make hard choices. I think this is why politicians are so maligned. While I’m not saying they are always virtuous or faultless in how they make choices, they have to make hard decisions on law, budgets, and policy. It is their job to choose a direction and stick with it, no matter the criticism or shift in public opinion.
Most of the criticism for those who make hard decisions comes from those who do not have to make those choices. There is an entire cottage industry of political pundits and newspaper columnists who exist solely to critique or criticize decisions other people make, without really having to make any of their own (at least of equal consequence).
Stack that on top of the advent of social media where everyone can say anything about anyone, anytime and you find a recipe for a populous who has very little vested stake in any kind of meaningful decision making.
I think we learn how to make decisions and hard choices earlier in life than we realize.
Despite growing awareness around mental health, there remains a stigma associated with therapy. Many teens and parents hesitate to seek therapeutic help due to fears of judgment or labeling. Support groups, on the other hand, are perceived differently. They are seen as peer-driven and less formal, making it easier for teens to participate without feeling stigmatized.
If you were raised in a house where there were very few consequences, or overly harsh consequences for your choices and actions, likely you could struggle making hard choices. Or if the opportunity to fail was taken from you and all you have ever known is success, then you could struggle to make decisions as well.
Deciders will inevitably make the wrong choice. But someone who is adept at making these choices is willing to live with the consequences of making the wrong choice. They take ownership in the process and know they made the best possible decision with the information available.
Friends, we have to help teenagers make choices and informed decisions.
And, I think this is where we start. So often we want teenagers to make “good” or “better” choices, but often they aren’t making many choices to begin with. I understand the logic behind the idea of “not making a choice – that is a choice,” but I’m speaking of proactive, informed, and future-thinking choices.
Consider these things to help students feel confident enough to make good choices:
- Start with the small stuff. We don’t get the big, important choices right until we can practice with the small stuff. Encourage students to engage in decision-making throughout their day in a way that they can point back to.
- Encourage them to choose one “hard” decision a day. Something like eating a salad instead of a burger, or choosing to exercise instead of watching TV. Learning to make the harder, but better choice builds up the confidence to make the right choices in the long run.
- Help them take ownership of their choices. So if things unravel and blow up after a decision, they can look you in the eye and tell you why they did it, why it failed, and what they plan to do in the future that might be different. Failure is not a bad thing. Failure is something to learn from, but you have to take ownership to begin with.
Imagine a world where teenagers start to make good choices based on good information, support from their parents and peers, and ownership of their failures and successes. I believe we would see a drop in crime and drug use, and an increase in community, church engagement, and school involvement. And, I think we can agree we would all like to see these things!
What do you think about this? Do you have other ideas for how to help teenagers make good choices?
More Resources You Might Like
by Chris Robey | Feb 4, 2016 | Parenting, Resources, Support Groups
A few weeks back, I was sitting with some students from a really tough part of our city and working through some of their resources. Part of our groups involve identifying and building up the student’s sense of courage, connectedness, self worth, and capability. What we noticed with this group is a general lack of self-reported capability. This seemed to be the trend throughout the group of young men.
This was a strange happening in my experience. Generally, a group of young men will tend to overstate their courage and capability from a place of machismo or even lack of self-esteem. It’s a coping mechanism everyone uses from time to time to protect us from being real with each other.
Yet for some reason, these young men decided to stop with the charade. Several of these young men were facing criminal charges as adolescents and were in a general “holding pattern” as they awaited what their PO (parole officer) or presiding judge had to say about their case. They felt like they had no real recourse and that the mistakes they made would follow them for the rest of their lives.
These young men were between the ages of 15 and 17, and at this early age, they were experiencing something reserved for people typically much older – hopelessness.
This hopelessness echoes from their upbringing, family structure, and their neighborhood. It’s a general sense that no matter what happens, they are doomed to the same cycle they have seen over and over again. My guess is this hopelessness has been ingrained earlier than my arrival into their lives.
So today, I am wondering as a “helper” of students, what can I do to bring hope to those whose hope has escaped at an age where hope should abound? I have a few things I have been thinking through along these lines, but I’d like to hear more feedback from you!
- Help students see their “preferred future” – This is technique based in solution focused therapy, but it is a really great tool to help the hopeless imagine what their life would be like if things were different. I typically ask students the simple question, “What do you want?” I usually don’t have to be a lot more specific than that. And with that question comes glimmers of hope. You see, even in the darkest night of the soul, the soul still knows what it wants.
- Help them work backwards from their “preferred future” – When they establish the goal, help them identify simple, realistic, and controllable steps to start walking in that direction. I wouldn’t even focus on what it would take to accomplish the desire. Really, this is likely too much to handle in the moment. Instead, what would it take to at least turn in the right direction and even take a small step? Maybe it is simply getting more sleep, finding a new job, or asking for help. Try to stay with the small and manageable tasks.
- Help them to think about how things will be different when they get to their “preferred future” – In other words, will this make much of a difference? Often the solutions we want won’t really fix anything, but sometimes they do. Helping students think about what things need to be different for their futures to look more positive are very simple. Sometimes life isn’t as horrible as we think it is in our worst moments.
One of the most unacceptable circumstances for me to witness is a hopeless student. I’m not okay with it. None of us should be.
So with the three simple ideas I posed here, what would you add to help students find hope in hopeless situations? We would love to hear back from you!
Chris Robey, Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
