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A Helpful Metaphor

A Helpful Metaphor

by | Apr 6, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting

In the fog of family life, sometimes we need good language and descriptors to help us best understand the challenges of parenting. Sometimes being told what to do directly from another parent isn’t that helpful and might even cause some resentment. You know how it is – if you are really struggling to find clarity in the midst of juggling parenting, career, family life, finances, and community involvement, someone telling you the exact way to deal with all of that seems at the very least…detached.

I am a Christian, and as a follower of Jesus, one of the aspects of his teachings that are the most helpful are his parables. These stories capture timeless truths about how people interact, relate with each other and God, as well as provide a better way to live. The fascinating thing about these parables is how they tend to hold up and provide a solid framework to live in our postmodern world. I love how stories, images, and metaphors seem to cut through to the heart of things and give us the perspective we need.

One of the common anxieties of adults who work with teenagers revolves around the teenager’s tendency to distance themselves from their parents and other close adults as they explore what it means to be an individual. So many take this personally and don’t deal with it very well. Sometimes the rejection is met with rejection, and relationships are fractured. Other times, the “pushing away” is met with a lack of trust and increased skepticism, further driving a wedge in the relationship.

Dr. Kara Powell wrote a really helpful piece on this subject last year (you can find it here) and used a quote from the book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour:

“Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings. Some parents feel too hurt by their swimmers, take too personally their daughter’s rejections, and choose to make themselves unavailable to avoid going through it again…But being unavailable comes at a cost…Their daughters are left without a wall to swim to and must navigate choppy—and sometimes dangerous—waters all on their own.”

This metaphor perfectly illustrates what it means to be an adult in the life of a teenager. To be the wall you must:

– Choose to be the adult.

– Understand your role in the life of a teenager.

– Be steady, ready, and available.

– Communicate constantly your availably and readiness when they choose to return.

Teenagers need solid adults who stay in place for students to “kick off” of to explore what it means to be human in sometimes dangerous waters. Parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, mentors, and counselors play a crucial role to create safety and boundaries as students figure these things out.

What do you think about this? What other helpful metaphors work for you to describe working with teenagers? 

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
The Outsider/Insider Parent

The Outsider/Insider Parent

by | Mar 16, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Resources

This is one of those blog entries which could be filed under: “Chris, you don’t know what this is like.” While I have kids, they are all little, and we are dealing with very different issues than parents of teenagers. And when you are in the thick of battle, often times perspective isn’t an available tool to explain certain behaviors of your child.

 

Outsider/Insider

My wife works in pediatrics at a children’s hospital. She really gets kids. So when my kids meltdown or do something that is “kid appropriate” but doesn’t mesh with my adult sensibilities, she is calm while I lose my mind. Being around little kids all day long has taught her what to expect developmentally, socially, and behaviorally. To boil it down, she is just a much, much better parent than I am to little kids 🙂

She kind of has an outsider/insider perspective of children. Being around kids all day long gives her enough perspective for when she comes home to the chaos of a house with three kids ages six and under. It doesn’t make the job any less difficult, but her perspective acts as a separating tool, giving enough space to know what is normal kid behavior and what crosses the line.

 

The denial problem 

I’ve worked with teenagers a long time and to be honest, working with their parents is much more difficult. I always love the parents I get to work with, but I’m also a little shocked (and I don’t use that term a lot) on how little perspective parents of teenagers can have. Or at least, there tends to be a lack of mindfulness when it comes to how parents are feeling about the whole teenager thing.

From my perspective as an outsider/insider, I see some parents of teenagers take this path:

Parents are not ready for their kids to enter adolescence.

So they…

Go into denial about their kid going through the adolescent journey.

Then they…

Spend too much time agonizing over/fighting with their kids through adolescence.

This can be really sad to watch. When the kid starts pushing their parent away as they enter adolescence and the parent takes it personally, conflict abounds and the divide widens. Battle lines are drawn and understanding gives way to hurt feelings and resentment.

What parents of pre-teens and young adolescents could benefit from is perspective and a general understanding of what their kid is going through. The most successful parents I have seen with their teenagers are the ones who can deal with the difficulties of adolescence with the perspective of an outsider.

 

The “outsider/insider” parent

Sometimes we a just too close to the situation. To gain perspective, we need to get “outside” of things to see what is really going on. When we get “outside” of things we see:

  1. Adolesence is a journey towards adulthood. This often begins with a teenager making space to figure things out. It isn’t personal, it’s developmental.
  2. With this space, teenagers will try on “new skins”. Things won’t connect or be consistent. Your kid isn’t going crazy. They are figuring things out.
  3. With these “new skins”, they will inevitably fail. Let them, and help them process what the failures mean.
  4. Just because they are pushing you away doesn’t mean that is what they actually want. Find new and creative ways to remain close and available.
  5. Your role as a parent needs to change. The time for correction is over. Now you get to be a coach.

 

How to get “outside”

Well, reading this blog is a good start. No, really – continue to find good, reliable resources on parenting and adolescence. Also, be on the lookout for parents who do this teenage parenting thing well. Ask them questions. Watch what they do and let them be a mentor.

Finally, ask your teenager what they need. To be honest, they probably won’t have a good answer, but it will help them understand that you are with them and trying to understand.

Being a parent is hard at all stages. When we can find ways to separate ourselves from the fog of parenting, we find there are new and creative ways to interact with our kids. We better understand what they are going through. Empathy and understanding take the place of resentment and exasperation.

We find that this phase of parenting might not be so bad after all.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 3

How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 3

by | Feb 23, 2017 | Mental Health, Resources, Support Groups

It is hard to imagine a disciplinary process in a school, church, or any other organization dealing with students that isn’t anchored by the threat of punitive action. For so many who are parents, it is hard to think about losing the trump card of grounding or punishment as a motivator for following the rules. As I stated in my original post, most adults in positions of authority tend to go with the most pragmatic approach to discipline, not really thinking about the long-term implications.

As adults, we tend to believe we have the best solution to the problem at hand. If a student steals property from another student, it is up to us to make sure the thief is punished appropriately and the other student gets their stuff back. We want to administer whatever form of justice we feel is swift, sure, and will insure that we can clean it up and move on. Our sense of justice is confirmed often when someone pays the price.

What if there was another way? Could there possibly be a disciplinary model promoting the long-term welfare of the student, accountability to agreed upon standards of classroom conduct, as well as respecting the developmental and social needs of adolescent?

Perhaps a model to consider is that of Restorative Discipline, an off-shoot of the Restorative Justice movement. Restorative Discipline (RD) is a systematic approach to dealing with student infractions and disciplinary issues. Central to this philosophy is the idea of “circling” students in various ways throughout the school day. Teachers are trained in the circling model as the first place students will interact with this form of accountability.

A circle is pretty simple. Basically it is a process where students create literal circles around certain parts of the day, or because of an issue, and no one person (including the teacher) is more important than the other. Everyone has the chance to talk and voice their concerns or opinions. Typically there is something called a “talking piece” (an agreed upon object that, when held indicates a student’s turn to talk) and a few other simple elements. In the classroom, circling is used typically at the first of the week, mid-week, and as a means to close out the week. Sometimes classroom circles occupy the beginning of every day as a means of checking in.

The bedrock of any circle (or any group for that matter) is agreed upon norms, rules, or expectations. In other words, what does the group need to be safe, functional, and an effective learning environment. The entire circle will create a group of norms and those will be posted somewhere in the classroom.

For example, if one of the norms is, “We will respect the right of students to learn,” a common student infraction like being disruptive in class or talking out of turn is dealt with on the basis of the norm and the group instead of outsourcing the discipline to the principal. The group is circled and the problem is addressed with dialogue, respect, and accountability.

There are some more specific circling techniques for more serious infractions that include administration, the accused, and the victim (when appropriate). These cases have a framework for conversation that helps both sides understand what happened, find a way to resolve the conflict, and figure out how to make things right moving forward. Often, family circles can be included by involving parents in the process.

What is so unique about this disciplinary approach is the goal of keeping as many students on their main campus as possible and creating a learning environment based upon respect, restoration, and problem solving.

There are so many aspects to this model, and I am still trying to get my head around how this would work on the many campuses I am on each week. Some of it seems idealistic, but often idealism is a better place to start than the alternative. This approach has been around a long time in theory, but only recently began to be implemented by educators. There are some pilot schools working on this approach in our state of Texas, but the vast majority are still working on the old punitive system.

Do yourself a favor and do some reading on this model. See if it is something you can push for in your community. If you are a youth pastor, consider making this your model of discipline among your students.

For a thorough list of resources, check out the Institute for Restorative Justice and Restorative Dialogue. Let us know what you think!

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 2

How We Deal with “The Bad Kids” Part 2

by | Feb 2, 2017 | Mental Health, Resources, Support Groups

Note to Reader: We have great respect for the administrators who have to make difficult decisions within their school districts. I am writing this blog post because I have personally seen great changes made among the school districts in our area addressing issues with “the bad kids”. 

Recently I spoke with a counselor at one of our alternative (disciplinary) schools. She told me a story about a young man who recently got sent back to his campus after trying to get re-instated at a new campus in his district (his family had recently moved). It turns out the principal at this school was this young man’s principal in 7th grade, and essentially, the principal denied this young man’s entry onto his campus because of the student’s bad behavior in middle school.

Let that sink in. After several years, this principal held a grudge against this student and denied access to traditional public education, forcing the student to go to alternative placement. Because of past sins, this student has been “marked” so to speak and will struggle to have access to the same levels of education as his peers.

This isn’t an isolated story. A big part of my group work is in alternative schools, and this story rises to the surface over and over. Most of the kids I work with got in trouble in elementary and middle school, and they developed a reputation. They were put on “the list” and feel singled out or watched by administrators. From a very young age, they were labeled “the bad kid”.

These are powerful messages, even if they might be earned in some way. They trickle down into the hearts of students who are told over and over how bad they are. Or, the message is sent that they are not wanted when they are repeatedly suspended or sent to alternative schools. After a while, they just accept they are “bad” and start playing the part.

Unfortunately, the statistics are starting to bear this idea out along racial and intellectual lines. Students of color or who are in the minority are much more likely to be suspended or expelled, especially if they have some kind of learning disability. One of our local major school districts suspended over half of the African American males in the district while over 25% of all students in the district were suspended or third partied. And, this is a huge district!

Studies have shown that students who are suspended or expelled are much more likely to drop out of school or repeat a grade. In fact, a study of all 7th graders in Texas over a three year period showed 31% of students who were suspended repeated a grade, compared to only 5% who didn’t get suspended.

For many reading this, it might seem like there is a little bit of blaming going on here. If the students just followed the rules, they wouldn’t be in trouble, right? Well, yes and no. When you look back thirty or forty years, school suspensions were very low. It was really hard to get suspended from school in the 70’s. But several factors, including Colombine in 1997 changed all of that. With Colombine, the idea of “Zero Tolerance” and putting police officers on school campuses became the norm. When the idea of “Zero Tolerance” takes root in an administration, many misbehaviors can fall under that pretense.

For those reading this post who might struggle with this concept, understand that things have changed dramatically on school campuses over the last 40 years. But our students are the ones suffering the long term consequences of “Zero Tolerance” and over suspending schools.

There is much more to say on this. In the meantime, if you want more context for the statistics I mentioned above, I encourage you to spend some time looking at these articles which will point you towards growing data showing these troubling trends.

The School to Prison Pipeline, explained – this is a great primer for this topic. Lot’s of links out to articles and research.

Out of school and off-track (An in-depth study out of UCLA on school suspensions)

I believe in my last post I promised some solutions, but I felt like discussing the problem a little further, while providing some context through research would help. In my next post, I plan to talk a little bit about what is being done to address some of these issues and some positive ways forward. Let us know what you think!

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
How We Deal with “The Bad Kids”

How We Deal with “The Bad Kids”

by | Jan 12, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Support Groups

Becoming a father has taught me so much about myself, mainly my weaknesses. One of those weaknesses is impatience. When dealing with discipline issues with my kiddos, I tend to default towards more pragmatic methods like raising my voice, sending kids to their rooms, and not giving my kids the chance to talk or explain themselves. Typically this is done in the name of “teaching respect” but often has the opposite effect. When I get into the mode of punitive discipline, I sense my kids withdrawing from me, and often just tuning me out.

 
You see, I have smart kids. We all do. They have an intuition that goes way beyond our adult minds. While we are thinking about what needs to be done next and are always in a hurry, our kids are masters of what it means to be present in the “here and now”. Our kids don’t have to worry much about what is next (though they do ask about it some), so they are much more in tune with the feelings and actions of the adults in their lives.

When I opt solely towards punitive discipline (i.e. raising my voice, sending to room, spanking, shaming), I am making the choice to be practical without thinking about the long term implications of how I discipline. When I have an overwhelming load of responsibilities on my plate, it is much easier to resort to punishing (or over-punishing in a lot of ways) my kids for not doing what we ask them to instead of seeking more creative and sustainable ways of discipline and correction.

My wife is really good at this creative thing. My oldest son will get out of whack and instead of sending him to his room, she makes him run, do jumping jacks, and tons of push-ups until he is out of breath. You see, she understands that when he stops paying attention or gets whiny, he doesn’t need us to raise our voices. He needs us to help him re-center, re-connect, and reset. After he gets done running and jumping, we find he is much more focused and ready to listen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as I often fail as a parent, but also when I observe students who have been labeled the “bad kid”. We do a lot of support groups in placement settings where students have been sent as a means of punitive discipline. When we encounter students in drug rehab or alternative schools, the reasons they get sent there are widely varied. Some students are there for drugs or violence, but others could be there for persistent dress code violations, disrespect, rule breaking, or other minor infractions. In many schools, the “zero tolerance” rule applies and students can be suspended, “third partied”, or expelled because often the school has no other recourse. It’s the protocol for many institutions, it is pragmatic, and it deals with the discipline issues cleanly.

Yet, there are long term consequences to punitive justice. Studies show that once a student is suspended or otherwise sent off their main campus, the likelihood of ending up in prison or dropping out of school increases dramatically. Since the mid-late 90’s when “zero tolerance” discipline started to make a comeback in public schools, the rate of suspensions and expulsions spiked, especially amongst African-American and Latino students. The numbers are staggering. If you want to know more about this, check out this research article about the long-term effects of punitive justice.

This isn’t a criticism of our administrators or teachers, but more an indictment of pragmatism. Often the most efficient and practical way of dealing with “the bad kids” is the way of convenience, not the way of correction. The long-term implications of how we discipline have an impact on graduation, imprisonment, restoration, and society as a whole.

In my next blog, I want to talk a little about some alternatives to punitive discipline in schools (and anywhere else students gather like church, after school, sports) and how there are real and effective ways to both correct and restore relationships without resorting to punitive measures.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.