On Taking People Seriously

On Taking People Seriously

Over the last few years, I’ve grow to be a huge fan of the band The Avett Brothers. For a while I didn’t know a ton about who they were – I just loved how their music sounded and pretty much had them on repeat at our house. In fact when one of the songs comes on the radio, my two year old daughter shouts the title at the top of her lungs. Yeah, we might have a problem…

Recently a documentary was released on the Avett Brothers called May it Last: A Portrait of the Avett Brotherswhich I highly recommend. What struck me about the documentary was the relationship central to the band – the two brothers who are the primary singers/songwriters. They are four years apart and, well, brothers. How do they make it work? Most sibling-based bands don’t really last because, well, they are family. Families fight. Bands fight even harder. When you mix them, they typically don’t last very long. These guys have been doing it for almost twenty years!

So why have they stood the test of time? Well, I’m sure there are many reasons, but there was one specific scene in the documentary that told the story for me and got me thinking more about how we interact with teenagers.

The scene started with the younger brother sitting in the studio hammering out a new song, but he had gotten stuck on some of the lyrics. But what made this scene work is the older brother taking the song seriously. It was striking. It was obvious the younger brother was proud of the song, but really wanted the older brother’s finishing touches – even his blessing in a way. After the older brother listened to the song itself and understood what the song was was about, he was able to help the younger brother figure out the best path forward, and the two of them ended up creating an incredible song.

And in so many ways, this is what helps a sibling band – one that on paper is destined to fail – last almost twenty years.

And I believe that this idea is something that creates a protective factor for a teenager – adults who take teenagers seriously.

For most adults, teenagers are so easy to dismiss. I hear all the time people say, “Oh, they are just teenagers!” And sometimes it’s really hard not to take that stance.

Teenagers tend to be:

– Moody

– Unpredictable

– Inconsistent

– Hard to pin down

– Always trying new things

– Pushing back or against

– Contrarian

That is a lot to handle for so many of us. It is much easier to just dismiss than to actually engage. But, I think that is where we miss opportunities with teenagers. What if we took them seriously? It doesn’t have to mean they are right or they need to be corrected. Even if we think what they are going through is rather silly or unimportant – it’s still their stuff.

And, what has it meant to you when someone older or wiser takes you seriously? Maybe they thought what you were going through was rather silly or unimportant. But they still listened. They still empathized. They stayed and heard you.

My guess is it made all the difference for you.

And my guess is it will make all the difference for the teenager in your life.

So the next time a teenager is sharing something about their day or a problem they might be facing – take it seriously. It might surprise you how well they respond – and come back to you again.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s COO, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
Lessons from “The Bad Kids”

Lessons from “The Bad Kids”

I am a huge fan of Netflix. In the mood for a comedy, drama, thriller or documentary? You can choose from thousands of TV shows and movies. While I typically watch Netflix for personal gain, I recently came across a documentary called The Bad Kids (you can also find it on iTunes and Amazon). I’ll confess – I am not a documentary person. Give me fiction and fairy tales all day! But this particular documentary intrigued me because I work with students just like the ones highlighted in this film. I work with “The Bad Kids” every week, and I wanted to see what I could learn from the heart and work of someone halfway across the country.

Before I go any farther, I would like to make a disclaimer that this post is not endorsing this film, saying that I agree with every part of documentary, or even asking you to go watch it. While an accurate portrayal of this population of students, there is extreme language used throughout the film. That being said, I found value in the methods and practices used by the film and believe that it is worth my time to share what I learned!

On their website, The Bad Kids summary is:

At a remote Mojave Desert high school, extraordinary educators believe that, more than academics,
it is love, empathy and life skills that give at-risk students command of their own futures. This coming-of-age
story watches education combat the crippling effects of poverty on the lives of these so-called “bad kids.”

It is so refreshing to see the media recognize excellent educators and administrators for the difficult work they do with students each and every week. We have the privilege of working with counselors, principals, teachers and staff who also believe that love, empathy and life skills can make a huge difference in the lives and academic careers of students – that is why they partner with us!

In this film, you see students who are in a tough place and deal with circumstances that most adults would struggle with. There is teen pregnancy, sexual assault, substance abuse, absent parents and so much more that they face in addition to their school responsibilities. There is no question that these “bad kids” have difficult lives (both by personal choices and unavoidable tragedy), but the Black Rock Continuation High School chooses to step in for these students who are at risk of dropping out of school completely.

While watching this film, I saw several important tactics that can not only benefit the work done with at-risk students but can be applied to any relationship with a teenager. One thing I have found in my work with Teen Life is that you don’t have to be a “bad kid” to desire love, empathy and help with challenges.

 

Teens need empathy.

For a refresher on empathy, please read my last blog post on the subject! But this documentary fully supports how much empathy and a listening ear matters to teenagers. At this particular High School, Principal Vonda Viland is a superb example of what empathy looks like and how it can affect a relationship. Students trust her, are honest with her and seek out her advice because they know that she will listen. And she doesn’t always have the answers. Sometimes, she admits that their life is difficult. And instead of subjecting them to a lecture she asks simple questions like, “What do you think needs to change? How would that decision affect your life? What needs to happen for you to get motivated?”

Empathy is a powerful tool.

Teens need to be held to a high standard.

Is life challenging for these teenagers or any teen in general? Absolutely. But they do not need to be babied or held to lower standards because of it. When you treat a teenager with respect and clear standards, they are more likely to rise to the occasion. I love that Principal Viland does not hold back any punches with her students. From their first day on her campus, she tells them what is expected and what the consequences are if these expectations are not met. She is not going to hold their hand, drag them out of bed or force them to come to school. But to stay in her school, students have to play by her rules and most do. In the film, you see so many students thrive under this straightforward approach. They know what to expect and what is expected of them.

When held to a high standard, teenagers have the opportunity to live up to their potential.

Teens need motivation.

Teens can be stubborn – but can’t we all? Most of the time, they don’t want to do something if it won’t benefit them in some way. And I understand that. I remember the frustrating days of learning about geometry and astronomy and wondering, “Will I ever use this information again?” What I love about The Bad Kids is that the teachers make an effort to put what they are learning into context for each student. For example, one of the boys loves music and playing his guitar but hates math. He is struggling and doesn’t see the point. Instead of getting defensive or giving up, his teacher puts it in perspective – you need math to play music. As she explains this concept, it clicks. He just needed the motivation to see past his current frustration and situation.

Motivation and inspiration could be the difference in a student graduating and dropping out.

 

Teens need celebration.

We need to celebrate our teenagers better! They are more likely to repeat good behavior when it is praised than to stop negative behavior when it is punished. Let’s be a positive force for our teens and get excited when they accomplish a goal. Principal Viland shows this all throughout the film. She celebrates when they come to school on a consistent basis. She even hands out certificates for completing credits and recognizes hard work in front of the entire school. She tells them when she sees improvements and recognizes when they avoid old habits. Celebration can be a small thing, but even something as small as a $5 gift card makes a huge impact on a teen who is trying to survive.

May we not get caught up in the bad things teens do, but intentionally look for ways to celebrate the good things!

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.