How to Talk with Teens about Sex & Relationships | Ep. 172

Caleb Hatchett (00:00)
What are some age-appropriate ways to discuss sex, consent, and relationships with teenagers in today’s culture.

All right. If we’re being honest, talking to teenagers about sex, and relationships can feel, and honestly probably is awkward, but these conversations are important.

And sometimes even when they’re done well, doesn’t, this isn’t the case. When done well, they help teens feel seen, valued and safe. And I know, right. There’s some fears that stand in the way maybe of you as a parent or you as a trusted adult of, of wanting to talk about these things, right? You don’t want to say the wrong thing or you don’t want to cross the line.

Caleb Hatchett (00:46)
You don’t want to encourage something too early and you might not even know where to start. And so those are all valid and true things, but the perspective shift that we kind of want to transition into our topic today is that if teens aren’t hearing about sex and relationships from trusted sources, they’re getting it from friends, social media, and porn. And that’s just, that’s a fact. And so if you weigh those two against each other,

Karlie Duke (01:11)
Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (01:14)
Which one do I want my team or this team that I love and trust to hear this from?

Okay, even if you probably are scared of saying the wrong things it can’t I surely I hope can’t be worse than what their friends are saying so…

Karlie Duke (01:21)
Yeah.

Tobin (01:31)
Yeah. And if you’re one of those parents that’s like, my sweet baby doesn’t, doesn’t, isn’t around that. Doesn’t talk about that. I, like, honey, like they, they are in it. Believe me, I’ve been that oblivious and naive as well of like, no, my, my teens not doing that stuff. And then it kind of hits you like a pile of rocks when it, whenever you find out like, nevermind. And so if, if a kid, if your kid is in school,

Caleb Hatchett (01:36)
Hahaha

Yeah.

Tobin (01:57)
And even they’re not school, but especially if they’re in school and especially if they’re in public school, they are having these, they are at least around, these conversations. And so like Caleb’s saying, put on your best media PR person and control the narrative. Like that’s that’s kind of the, you know, get the control the narrative of what’s being put in their heads. And you can’t do a whole lot worse than a bunch of other 15-year-olds. So. Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (02:04)
Yeah.

Get ahead of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (02:12)
I love that.

Caleb Hatchett (02:20)
Yeah, that’s where the bar is. Truly.

Karlie Duke (02:22)
Man, that is so true. Well, and we’ve (I’ll post links)- we’ve talked about this a little bit in past podcasts, but as a reminder, I think sometimes at least I do… We still think of like the sex talk, like the big, Caleb can probably share a story of like how scarring the big talk is, THE talk, especially if your parent is.

Caleb Hatchett (02:40)
No, it’s terrible.

Karlie Duke (02:46)
And that’s not necessarily the goal. It’s an ongoing conversation. So this comes back to being a safe person that they feel like they can have conversations with, that they can ask questions about, that you can bring this up naturally. Maybe you’re, I don’t know, watching a TV show- think of ways to keep the conversation going and have safe dialogue and not just be like, okay, I’ve got to sit down and we’ve got to go through this workbook.

Caleb Hatchett (03:03)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie Duke (03:11)
and or I’ve got to hit all my points and they just have to sit and listen while I talk to them about sex. Yeah, exactly.

Caleb Hatchett (03:12)
Yeah.

And then you’re done forever. Right? Like I did it.

I did it. Now I never have to talk about that again. Like you do. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (03:22)
Right. Yeah, it’s just not how that works.

And I also just want to point out before we kind of get into some more of like the practical tips of like consent, respect, emotional safety is just as important as like the physical safety. And so you can’t just talk about like physically what they’re doing. We also need to talk about the other side, especially if you have girls that like emotional safety probably even means a little more to girls. But for both

Caleb Hatchett (03:35)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (03:49)
Don’t just focus on what not to do. Let’s equip them to have healthy relationships. Like we want you to have good relationships. We want you to have fun relationships that aren’t damaging for either party. So let’s talk about how we make that happen. Not just a list of things not to do. I’m done. We don’t have to talk about, like Caleb said, I don’t have to talk about anymore. I gave you my list. You’re done. let’s model this and do this well.

Tobin (04:14)
Yeah, and hey, guess what? Fear-mongering doesn’t work either. Like so. I mean, there’s a reason why there’s a really funny scene in the movie Mean Girls, because that doesn’t work. It’s not. It’s funny because everybody knows that that doesn’t do anything. So the main thing is- our first step is to start early and keep it age-appropriate. Obviously, if you’re talking to a younger teen that is probably more oblivious and not quite having full-out conversations at school about this stuff, it’s OK to kind of keep it vague.

Karlie Duke (04:17)
Ha ha.

Caleb Hatchett (04:18)
No.

Karlie Duke (04:27)
Mm-hmm.

Tobin (04:43)
I’ll call it PG PG 13, you know. But the main thing is, is teach them about their their body autonomy. say things like you don’t have to hug someone if you don’t want to. Where, you know, if you start laying the foundation for what healthy relationships look like and what boundaries look like in every relationship, it’s not just a romantic relationship, but like how healthy friendships, personal boundaries, and what respect looks like for that.

It kind of helps you get them off to the right start. And if you are like a teen, a parent of a 17-year-old, here’s like, oh shoot, I didn’t do any of that stuff. Like that stuff can happen any, anytime. Like you have to, yes. But if you are like a younger or preteen parent, like, or teacher counselor, whatever, like these are the kinds of things that if we start early, it’s going to help you help the conversation later instead of it being like a, you know, like I,

Caleb Hatchett (05:18)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (05:18)
It’s better late than never.

Tobin (05:37)
My parents were pretty open about this stuff, but I had a lot of friends and even in my parents somewhat, too it felt almost like a final exam where it was like, alright we’re gonna sit you down, have this daunting conversation, and here’s all the information. Now we’ll go pass the test and that doesn’t work.  And so like if you start early and kind of give them a foundation where to start from then these little minor conversations. The mini conversations that happen later

Caleb Hatchett (05:53)
Mm.

Tobin (06:05)
are a lot more effective than if you just try to do everything all at once.

Caleb Hatchett (06:09)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (06:10)
Right. Well, like I said, normalizing this conversation and making it part of everyday life instead of it having to be a sit-down. I have littler kids and my son really got into full house last year. Like we loved watching fFull Houseull house, and I quickly realized like we would watch, would watch it with them, but I was like, like DJ, like the earlier episodes, they’re little. then DJ starts dating and then DJ gets in a car with a boy who tries to go too far. And I had to be like, okay, let’s talk about this.

Why was she maybe uncomfortable and what did this look like? And I was having, I was able to have an age-appropriate conversation with my seven-year-old, but use little things like that. It doesn’t have to necessarily be like a pause, but like later be like, Hey, what would you do if you were in that situation? Or why do you think that was such a big deal? Or like, is this even realistic? Does this happen anymore? Try to come to it from a curiosity standpoint of I’m trying to figure this out. Ask.

Tobin (06:55)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (07:07)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (07:07)
I ask these questions of Josh, because he’s around teenagers every day. And I’ll be like, is this real? Like, what is this? Are they actually dealing with this? What is going on? And he’s like, my goodness. But they talk about it a lot. He’s around it more to have a conversation. So making that part of in songs, if you hear something in a song, hey, what does that mean? Can you tell me about that? And it might just spark other conversations.

Tobin (07:23)
Hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (07:30)
And like even normalizing it in the sense of, especially if you have like older teenagers, things like that, and age-appropriate conversations, right. Are about things like sex consent, all of that, like, don’t be afraid or nervous or like walk on eggshells of can I say sex? Like, yeah. Like don’t act like it’s a no-no word still. Like you’re talking to your teenager. They hear it.

But if you’re going to act awkward saying these things or not knowing necessarily how to start a conversation. And I do understand it can be awkward, but your student or teen is also going to go off that energy and assume, okay, right? Like maybe I can’t talk about these things. And so just, just normalizing it. Like, Hey, you know, this is something that, that I’m comfortable talking about with. And like, you can be comfortable talking about it with me as well.

Karlie Duke (08:11)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (08:25)
And so you can kind of help model that and normalizing it.

Karlie Duke (08:28)
Well, and even sharing at some level when you feel it’s appropriate, and not over-sharing, sharing your own experience when you were a teenager. Hey, I struggled with these things too. Hey, this is what I went through. I remember like probably as a junior in high school, like mom starting to have conversations with me and some of my friends. And I remember they walked away going like, wow, my mom never talks to me about stuff like that. And they respected her for being vulnerable.

Tobin (08:35)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (08:36)
Yeah.

Yes.

Karlie Duke (08:54)
with herself and then she was their safe person and she became a safe person for me because I was like, she gets it. And so like I said, not oversharing. You don’t have to dive into your dating history, but being like, remember I was a teenager too once, and here are some things that I went through, or here are some questions I had to ask, and being able to relate in that way can also make that a little easier.

Caleb Hatchett (08:59)
Mm.

Teenagers

They forget I think that adults were once teens and then I think even if they do understand that they assume it’s so different now than it was and if we’re being honest, at the core of a lot of these things is still the same and so your teens might not know that they can relate to you unless you open up about some of that shared experience and yeah, like Karlie said don’t necessarily overshare right like you’re still

Karlie Duke (09:22)
Hmm.

right.

Caleb Hatchett (09:42)
a parent or a trusted adult. You don’t need to necessarily be like a friend gossiping or talking about these things. But sharing enough to where they can understand, wait, like you do get it is important.

Karlie Duke (09:56)
Mm-hmm.

Tobin (09:58)
Yeah. Well, and you don’t. This is this is me talking to my own self, too, but. You want to like all parenting is about is trying to parent a little bit better than your previous parents, and they’re going to parent a little better than you, and just kind of showing them like, hey, don’t go the same roads that I went down in. And if you’re sitting here like, hey, I didn’t do that stuff, maybe talk to them about how you how you maybe stayed away from that stuff or whatever. The main thing is, is that this is not a time to

Caleb Hatchett (10:00)
.

Yeah.

Tobin (10:26)
get out your soapbox in and preach a lesson or a sermon to them because that’s going to immediately turn them off. Like even if you are 100 percent right, it’s going to immediately make them think, OK, well, here comes another lecture from mom or dad or whatever. Trust an adult. We talk about our volunteers being facilitators, facilitate conversation instead; ask them questions like, well, what do your friends think about relationships- what does a healthy relationship look like to you?

Karlie Duke (10:30)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (10:31)
Mm-hmm.

Tobin (10:55)
What are you seeing? Like what are you? What are your friends doing? And like do you feel pressure to do any of that same stuff that you’re not comfortable with? These are open-ended questions that kind of get teens talking about something that could be a hard conversation for them. And it also kind of show, it’ll give you a kind of like a glimpse of what they’re seeing on a day to day basis that maybe you aren’t seeing fully in your own home. And it just- it lets them control the conversation a little bit more than you just saying.

Caleb Hatchett (10:55)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Tobin (11:23)
You know, here’s the 10 commandments of Tobin’s household and why you can’t do this, that, and this and that. like, you know, there’s a reason why, especially these days, teens don’t respond to the word rules. They respond to norms and they respond to questions because they don’t want to be preached to. I- no one really does, but especially teenagers. So just really make sure that you’re, keeping the conversation civil and, let them control it a little bit.

Caleb Hatchett (11:35)
Mm-hmm.

I think asking questions helps them process and come up with their own answers and reasons for some of the things that you want them to understand, right? Cause if you say, Hey, you need to have these boundaries or your relationship needs to look like this, that’s not gonna, they have no reason to want it to look like that. And so if you can get them to process the reason- their own reason for why a relationship should be like this or why a boundary, why that boundary should be in place. They’re more likely to do it. And so asking questions is just so, so, so important, but it also kind of leads into the next one. Cause if you’re getting your student to, or your teen to process and maybe even like write out some of these things, like you, need to have this.

One of the biggest parts- and where that I see it played out easiest- is through boundaries and through consent. And so you need to make consent a normal part of the conversation. And it’s something teens have heard our hearing. remember even my freshman year at college, they, all the boys dorms were in this big like meeting hall and they showed a video on consent. It’s something that thankfully now is being taught I hope, but it’s also a conversation that needs to be carried out on your part as a parent or a trusted adult to kind of help them understand because consent isn’t necessarily just about sex and I to make that clear. It’s not just about sex even as Karlie said- like emotional things- that is also important in maintaining. It’s about respecting boundaries in all relationships.

Tobin (13:32)
The hard thing too is you may not want to hear this, but the generation below us maybe knows more about consent than we do, because they’ve been taught it their whole life. so hearing, which is a good thing, like that’s a good thing that we are more aware of that now in 2025 than we were even 20 years ago. And so it also might be a time to let them kind of talk to you about what they know about it. And not that we need to be taught necessarily, but it,

Caleb Hatchett (13:42)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (13:57)
Mm.

Tobin (14:02)
They probably know more about the importance of that than maybe even we do as adults because again, they’ve been taught that their whole lives. It’s that’s a very, very, in that I think the thing that’s that sometimes gets lost in that is that that goes with all like both genders. Like it’s this is one of those things where like consent is important on all sides of the coin and making sure that that that’s about respecting all the boundaries in every relationship with no matter, you know, who’s coming to the table with that. So

Caleb Hatchett (14:22)
Yeah.

Tobin (14:30)
if someone is teaching them that if someone isn’t enthusiastic about this like if they may be going along with it, but they’re not like enthusiastic, that’s a no and you need to make sure that you’re respecting that and then that’s a conversation of Why did you put yourself in that position in the first place? Like how do we avoid these positions more than anything?

Caleb Hatchett (14:41)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (14:41)
Mm-hmm.

Well, and I think

for our adults, even our teachers who maybe can’t participate in this conversation as much in a, you’re limited in a school setting, modeling consent in everyday life is something that you can do. So things like asking, Hey, can I give you a hug? Or would you like a high five or a fist bump? Or like, Hey, can I move your chair? Instead of just moving things or moving their property or like, even putting a hand on, like asking for consent in little areas continues to put in like, I respect you and I respect your body and I respect your stuff so that they can then carry that into healthy relationships as well. And so it’s just little things like that that can make a difference.

Caleb Hatchett (15:33)
Yeah.

And it’s modeled, like you said, even outside of relationships, right? Of like, even the smallest things you ask for a friend, Hey, can I have like a Skittle? No. And you keep pressing like, what, like, yes, I understand in that scheme, but like in a way, right? You get to model. Okay. Right. They said, no, I’m just going to respect what they said. Right. And so it can kind of help translate into

Karlie Duke (15:38)
Mm-hmm.

Tobin (15:52)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie Duke (15:52)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:56)
some of these these bigger things.

Tobin (15:58)
So the thing is, we’ve been giving you a lot of things to keep in mind and stuff, but what are some easy ways to just do this? Because I think the hardest part is taking that first step with this stuff. So I think I was told a while back that these conversations, especially if it’s between a male and their son, or a father and son, or a trusted adult and a male, having the conversation side to side is a lot easier than a daunting face to face. like, obviously, while driving is somewhere some of the easiest conversations happening happen because they don’t have to look you in the eye. And they can kind of deal with the awkwardness in their own space. And so like being side by side with someone when they talk about this stuff is actually very effective way to possibly have the conversation. If they don’t want to talk, like all you have to do is keep it casual.

Caleb Hatchett (16:28)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Tobin (16:53)
Again, where if you start this early and you see this more as a game plan of multiple mini-conversations, instead of one giant one, then it’s not going to be awkward to the teen. If you’re bringing it up on a random Tuesday, drive home from school or whatever it may be. And so keeping it casual is really important. And then, but also respecting their privacy, like if they don’t want to talk about it or they don’t feel comfortable at the moment, or maybe they’re not in a good head space for it.

Caleb Hatchett (17:08)
Yeah.

Tobin (17:21)
Just let them know that you’re open to it and that you don’t need to press them for it. If they ask something that you don’t know the answer to, this is the other tip I’m going to give you. Then just say, Hey, I don’t know the answer to that. That’s a great question, but like, let’s talk about that together. Let’s look into it together. Let me find the answer. Let me ask someone who might know, like, you don’t have to be the expert in this situation. We talk a lot about like just being a safe space. And sometimes that means not giving them advice when you don’t really fully have it. And then the last thing

Caleb Hatchett (17:34)
Mm-hmm.

Tobin (17:48)
If they’ve already crossed a boundary, like if your teen comes to you and says, hey, this is what I’m that what I’m dealing with again, we say this on almost every episode, be shockproof, respond with grace, not shame. We’ve all made mistakes, whether they’re massive, some of them, some of us maybe made this exact same mistake and just tell them like you are not your mistakes. So let’s talk about how do we deal with it next.

Karlie Duke (18:11)
Right.

Tobin (18:12)
Obviously, there are some consequences probably with this stuff and there might be dire situations that come with this stuff, but responding with grace and not shock or shame is the first step to helping them heal from whatever they may be going through. And so just making sure that we do those kind of easy tips on how to deal with this stuff, because this is not easy. It’s not easy at all. And it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be awkward. But if you if you do this the right way, you’re going to be you know, it’ll be it’ll pay dividends in the future.

Karlie Duke (18:39)
Right. And so as always, like Tobin’s saying, like, be a place where they feel like they can continue to come back. And if they’re sharing this with you, don’t take that for granted. Like that is a big deal. So even of like, Hey, I’m so glad that you felt safe enough to share this with me and handle that well. So they continue to share with you because you would rather know and hear it from them than find out through other ways. so teenagers deserve our respect.

Caleb Hatchett (18:57)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (19:08)
But also hear me out teenagers, we want you to have healthy relationships and that’s why we want to talk about this because we care about you and we want you to go into your future saying that was a good experience, not a bad one. So thank you as always for listening to the Teen Life Podcast and we’ll see you next week.