Engaging With Teens Who Hold Opposing Viewpoints | Ep. 164

Caleb Hatchett (00:13)
Welcome to Teen Life podcast, where we’re going to discuss questions that trusted adults like you are asking.

Today’s question is: How do I interact with teens who believe differently than me? There’s a lot of topics where teens might disagree. Politics, religion, even like weed slash substance abuse. There’s a lot of topics that there’s a lot of.

Karlie Duke (01:09)
if they should do their homework.

Caleb Hatchett (01:11)
If the yeah, yes, I think teens are just always looking for ways to get in an argument or disagree with someone. So how do you interact with people who do disagree with you? And there’s some important important things we want you to keep in mind kind of as we have this conversation, even to some tips that will kind of hope, hopefully guide this conversation. So practice active listening.

Listen without judgment and ask questions. This is important. They might just trying. They might just be trying to get a reaction from you. Okay. Like with the teens, I interact with, it’s just like adult or other student. It’s like, you’re just, do you really believe this? Like you’re just saying this to get, to draw me off sides. So just take a deep breath. Okay. Take a deep breath before responding.

Karlie Duke (01:45)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (02:01)
Like, it’s a, it’ll be okay. Like, who even knows? Yes. Yes.

Tobin Hodges (02:04)
If they’re getting their phone out, they’re absolutely trying to get a reaction from you.

Karlie Duke (02:09)
Well, let me say too, parents are a little different because you are like in charge of raising this human being. So let me say that. But like other roles, you do have an influence, but like it is not your job to police everything that they believe or to like lecture them on that. So like that’s where like you’re saying, Caleb, like active listening is key.

Caleb Hatchett (02:19)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (02:38)
Ask questions, keep them talking, but it’s not necessarily your job to like sit there and be like, actually, here’s where you’re wrong. Blah, blah, blah. Let me get out my PowerPoint presentation on why this opinion is better. so start with listening.

Caleb Hatchett (02:47)
Yeah.

Yeah, and I think like especially when dealing with teens like questions go such so so much further than trying to prove your own point because

Karlie Duke (03:02)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (03:05)
A, they’re probably not listening. Like I know like even still as an adult, like a lot of times if I’m in a, if I’m in a conflict with someone, I’m not listening. I’m just trying to think of what I’m saying next. Right. And so like, if you can push back on like, Hey, why, why did you say that? Or like, why, like, where did you get that from? Why do you believe that? like having to getting them to think out their own answer to what they believe. I promise we’ll go further than you being like, here’s why you’re wrong.

Karlie Duke (03:16)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (03:17)
That’s a point.

Karlie Duke (03:34)
Well, you just said something important to Caleb, which is like they’re probably thinking of what they’re going to say. But so how many times when I’m talking to a teenager and they’re talking to me, am I not actually listening because I’m trying to think of how I can get them to see my side, what I’m going to say, all of that stuff. like knowing that too about yourself, if you’re in discussions, especially maybe about topics that could be a little more controversial.

Caleb Hatchett (03:50)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (04:02)
like knowing like, hey, I need to set that aside for a second and like listen and be locked in on them and I can think about what I’m going to say after that.

Caleb Hatchett (04:04)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (04:13)
Yeah, and I think it needs to be said that especially if you’re an adult talking to a teen.

There’s a very, very, very, very small chance you’re going to convince them to join your side and that you’re right when they’re a teenager. And I mean, it could be anything. We could be talking about like, you know, I think Reese’s peanut butter cups are the greatest candy ever. And they think Snickers and like, you’re not going to, you’re not going to convince them like with facts and thought out questions and stuff. The way, so the thing about the stuff and I, and I think with religion, especially like this is where I see this is that if your goal is to, for them to see the same way that you do and you’re showing them that by aggressive questioning and you know, calling out their beliefs and their thoughts, all you’re doing is pushing the goal further, further back.

in my opinion, because what you need to be happening is that you’re showing that you respect what they’re saying and you’re showing them empathy, even if you are disagreeing with them. Because what’s going to happen is down the road, if me and Caleb are arguing about our favorite chocolate snacks, he he’s gonna be like, man, like

Karlie Duke (05:16)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (05:34)
that conversation with Tobin, like he really was, was really in the Reese’s, but he also didn’t, you know, jump on me about this. Maybe, maybe that’s the side I need to be on and stuff like that. It’s like, it’s just, if you’re showing them that you can, that they can have a voice and have a, you know, an opinion, but also be different from them. think that that in the long run goes a lot further than you trying to win a debate or win an argument with them, especially online, online, especially.

Karlie Duke (05:58)
Mm

Yes.

Caleb Hatchett (06:02)
Yeah. So like practice active listening and then kind of even what you just said to him, like show respect and empathy. And I think like those two kind of go together. I think people know you’re not listening to them. And like, I, even if you hear them out and be like, man, I hear you and I hear that side, it goes such a long way into, into a kind of helping deescalate an intense conversation because it’s less like yelling at each other and more like let’s just have a conversation because I hear what you’re saying and then here’s what I’m saying like I think it just kind of changes the environment of the conversation and yeah like I don’t think you’re gonna win anyone over by no matter how great your facts are by yelling or just stating the facts like it’s it’s a conversation and there’s two sides and show the other side the respect and empathy the empathy that you know they deserve as a human

Karlie Duke (06:39)
Hmm.

Well, I think too, when you are having a discussion where maybe you disagree about something, whether it’s big or small, serious or not, so often you’re actually more in line than you probably think. And so like trying to find the common ground, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree. I think it’s easy to say like, hey, I can see how you would feel that way. My husband loves to have these big existential conversations where I’m like this.

Just makes me sometimes want to beat my head against the wall. But so often we are very different and we will like not argue, but come at it and be like, no, we disagree, we disagree. And then when we like actually sit down and be like, okay, but what do you actually think about that and explaining it and not taking such a hard stance? We’ll actually realize like, no, we’re actually very close in that just the way we were communicating it is very different or how we would do it is different, but we want the same outcome.

And so sometimes like trying to, that’s where those questions come in mind. That’s where actually listening and active listening where you’re like repeating back here’s what I’m hearing you say. Is that correct? Like making sure you’re clarifying that you might actually find some common ground. But I think most importantly, if you’re an adult with a teenager in life, make sure you show up consistently and let them know your relationship is more important than agreeing on every issue.

Caleb Hatchett (07:59)
Mm -mm.

Karlie Duke (08:17)
or even being on the same page or maybe even understanding. Like maybe you’re like, I just really don’t understand this, but I still care about you. I’m still going to teach you and treat you fairly, all of that kind of stuff. But I do think, y ‘all mentioned social media. And so before we kind of go further, especially right now, and especially at the cultural turning point, whatever that we are at.

Tobin Hodges (08:19)
Mm

Karlie Duke (08:47)
in our country, like, please be careful. I’ll link it. We did an episode two on this on maybe how to post appropriately on social media. Didn’t we? Like last year maybe. But know that you, if you’re an adult, there are students who follow you and who can see your stuff and just be aware of that as you’re posting things.

Caleb Hatchett (08:59)
think so.

Karlie Duke (09:13)
anything that you say online and if they question you about it in person, you’re like, man, I don’t want to have that conversation in person. Then maybe that’s also not something that we should be starting online or posting opinions about online. If you wouldn’t be willing to say it to the students in your life or people in your life in person.

Super fun. But I do want to, as kind of a shift, something to think about. Because sometimes I think, we think, why can’t this teenager just agree with me? Why can’t they just do what I say? However, we do not want to raise teenagers who just agree with everything we say. We don’t, that’s not the kind of adults that you want. We want them to ask questions. We want them to do research. We want them to form their own opinions. So this is…

very much a developmental thing that is healthy. It is normal. They should be questioning things. They should be pushing back on you. I saw something one time that was a good perspective too that like say, maybe I’ve mentioned this on the podcast, but I’m going to say it again anyways. If you are on a roller coaster and they put down the big seatbelt strap, what is the first thing you do probably? You check it.

Caleb Hatchett (10:31)
Yeah. Yep.

Karlie Duke (10:31)
Yeah, you push back on it. And sometimes I think the same is true for teenagers. If they are in a healthy place and somewhere where they feel like they can have opinions, the first thing they’re going to do sometimes is check that. They’re going to check that relationship. They’re going to check that belief system. And you might have a teenager that you’re like, we’ve been loving spaghetti at our house for forever. And now suddenly you have all these opinions about how you can’t have gluten. Like what is happening or I had friends in high school who decided they were going to go vegan and like were very hardcore about it out of nowhere. And some of that is like, they’re trying to find their place or trying to find their identity and they’re trying to check like, are we still going to be good if I have a different opinion? And so kind of a perspective change of that is something that is good and healthy, but we need to make sure that we’re helping them do that in an appropriate way at the same time.

Caleb Hatchett (11:27)
Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (11:30)
think especially whenever you get into like stuff that’s driven, like that they’re seeing on like social media and stuff like that, like you kind of have to remind yourself, and this is true for adults too, but like we, everything that we see is curated in not the full scope of what we’re doing ever. And that’s including like,

Caleb Hatchett (11:31)
I also think…

Tobin Hodges (11:54)
what we’re we’re digesting through social media through internet, whatever it may be. Like it’s not a, you know, it wasn’t an arguments thing, but my son had an example this a few weeks ago of, I let him get a Twitter account because he likes to follow like the, you know, NBA and stuff like that. And I said, as long as you’re not posting anything, I don’t care. You know, I’m going to be checking who you’re following that kind of thing. And he sent me a Twitter link the other day of just a fear mongering, like,

Karlie Duke (12:13)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (12:23)
we’re about to go to World War III thing. it was like, and like, even if that’s true, like he was scared about it. He said to me, the middle of the school day. And it’s like, that’s the kind of stuff that we have to remind ourselves is that what they are getting on their devices may not be the full true scope of what’s actually happening. And that in a scene goes for adults too, of like,

Karlie Duke (12:41)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (12:45)
Hey, before we’re before we’re going to like dig our heels in and in and argue things like one, you need to probably make sure you’re having the full scope of what is going on and to like remind yourself they might not have that. And also you may not be able to tell them that right now. You may have to come in a later date whenever they’re at a, at a non

Karlie Duke (13:04)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (13:06)
confrontational place as well. And so just remind yourself that. I think I see that a lot with drug conversations, like with weed and substances and stuff like that about

You know, there is some truth to like our generation, you know, the generations before us were a little bit more hesitant and it was a lot scarier. And now it seems like what technology and science things are shifting. so the generations below me are thinking very differently on substances than we did, which is kind of funny because like, it’s not funny, but the substances that they, they are more okay with are the stuff that the generations before us were not okay with and the substance that they are not okay.

with the ones that we abused for years, know, with alcohol and drug and cigarettes and stuff like that. And so it’s just everything has.

Karlie Duke (13:52)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (13:55)
their side. It’s just a matter of like, we don’t want what you don’t want most importantly, is to ever shut off a connection with a teenager that might need it later on. And like that, then that means that you may just not have to agree. And you may have to like, let something something’s go. Because eventually that team’s probably going to need you for something and you can’t have a block of well, I can’t talk to that person because he he stood his ground on this thing and I don’t feel comfortable with him or her and that kind of thing. So

Karlie Duke (14:04)
Yeah, totally.

Mm

Caleb Hatchett (14:22)
Yeah. And I mean, it’s probably even less just like, I can’t go to them because they believe that. But it’s like, man, I can’t, I can’t go to this guy because of, how he handled that situation of how I felt attacked. And, you know, students never going to go to somebody who feels like they have to be on the defense around.

Karlie Duke (14:34)
Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (14:42)
for sure.

Caleb Hatchett (14:42)
And so like in your conversations, like, and that goes back to like showing up consistently, like, right. Of like making sure that they know, like you are always going to be there. But then like also putting that into perspective of if you’re in those conversations, like, like, which ma what matters more, what matters more my relationship with this student and being able to be there and make sure that they know that I’m always going to be there or halfway winning an argument.

Karlie Duke (15:00)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:10)
And I think too, along with our perspective ship, it’s perspective shift is to focus on understanding and not winning. and this was such like, I, I remember being a teenager and like half the time, like I’m in an argument. I don’t even know what I’m saying is what I believe, but I want to win. Like I, and I’m going to say anything to win that conversation or win that argument. And so.

Karlie Duke (15:31)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:39)
like remember the goal ultimately is to maintain the relationship and not to win. And so I find myself falling into that trap even as an adult is like evaluating myself of being like, what, what am I even like separate myself from this for a second and be like, what am I even saying? Like, is this a hill that I’m willing to die on? And then I think like, it goes back to like having just a conversation.

Even like with what Tobin said about like, yes, the nougatie crunch of a Snickers is great. That doesn’t, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I could, that the peanut butter cup is a great candy too. You know, like I think there’s a lot of times you can both be arguing and both be right in your own way. And if you’re arguing, instead of having a conversation, you’re never going to realize that. And so just remember ultimately bottom line is the goal is to maintain the relationship is not to win the argument.

Karlie Duke (16:15)
hahahaha

Tobin Hodges (16:32)
So one thing that we see a lot in teen life groups is…

As a facilitator we get asked questions about like well don’t you do this or don’t you believe in this kind of thing in one one way to kind of diffuse, I don’t know if diffuse is the right word, but just to respectfully handle that because like I don’t ever want teens or adults to feel like they can’t be who they are and be true to themselves But there’s a way to do that without being combative and like so if I ever get asked about you know my religious preference or things that we shouldn’t initially be talking about in group

Karlie Duke (16:54)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (16:54)
Yeah. Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (17:05)
I’ll preface it by saying, look, this is how I am, or this is how I was raised, or this is what I believe. But I also want to respect everybody around and what they’re feeling and going through, what they believe. And if we want to have a deeper conversation about that, we can talk outside of group, you know, and that can, that can be applied in any setting really is like, Hey, this is what I believe. And I’m not saying I’m right. You’re right. I’m wrong. You’re wrong. That kind of thing. But this is where I’m coming from. And that kind of gives you

Karlie Duke (17:31)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (17:35)
an instance of one- it lets you still stay true to what you believe and what you think, but it also gives them a chance to know that like, you may be on this side, but you’re not necessarily against them. that kind of works in their favor.

Caleb Hatchett (17:49)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (17:50)
Yeah. When I think with that, it’s okay to say like, Hey, let’s just agree to disagree in a respectful way. So like, if you are having a conversation with a student at some point, there might reach a point if neither one of you are going to change your opinions where it’s not healthy anymore, it’s not a good discussion and you’ve both just dug your heels in. It’s okay to be like, Hey, I don’t think this conversation is going anywhere anymore. Let’s just agree to disagree and when you do that you’re modeling for them. We can have really difficult conversations and we can disagree and we can walk away and still be friends or we can walk away and still respect each other and I’m still gonna show up for your class. I’m still gonna show up as a leader and still respect you and have a good relationship with you and that is really powerful that you get to show them that. So I think sometimes instead of like you are saying getting so caught up in lecturing or proving your point or trying to win, being like, hey, like we’re going to be done with this conversation right now. If you want to, let’s come back to it in a few days if you feel strongly about it, but not just always getting to the point where you both agree or even if they might never say, I can see your point, but be the adult and be a bigger person and you can kind of find some common ground with them. our kind of final tip or takeaway

Tobin Hodges (19:09)
Yeah, that’s good.

Karlie Duke (19:13)
is creating a safe space. So making sure that teens do feel like they can express themselves without fear, rejection, criticism, all of that. And sometimes what that might mean too, especially in a school or group setting where you have multiple students around, is if a student starts bringing something up that’s controversial, you might need to stop them and be like, hey, that’s not a conversation that we’re going to have right now. Can I talk to you after?

Tobin Hodges (19:39)
Mm

Karlie Duke (19:42)
Can I take you to coffee? Can we go get a Sonic drink? Can you show up to class a few minutes early and I’ll bring you lunch or something like that where you’re not taking the whole group down this rabbit hole that doesn’t need to happen or a whole classroom that we don’t need to get into this discussion because we have other things to do, but then creating a safe space in another way where they can share that and not feel rejected.

Caleb Hatchett (20:07)
Yeah, and making them feel heard.

Tobin Hodges (20:08)
Yeah, avoiding – avoiding mob mentality too, on both sides. of you don’t need some, you don’t need a bunch of people to join your side and then attack somebody and vice versa. You don’t need to be attacked by a bunch of teenagers at the same time. Like that’s not fun for anybody. so yeah, like that’s, yeah, avoiding them, like avoiding the group discussions for intense things, because like, we also don’t know what kind of trigger some of this stuff is for people. Like it can be whatever, like any, any conversation could be triggering for people that are going through specific hurts and stuff from these kinds of discussions. So, yeah.

Karlie Duke (20:20)
Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (20:20)
Ha ha ha!

Karlie Duke (20:30)
Mm

Yeah. All right. Well, we’re also next time going to do an episode that kind of talks about where do teens get their information. So we kind of previewed that a little bit because they go hand in hand, but we’ll talk more about like, where are they getting their information and how can we help them find accurate information about things that they care about? So subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcast so that you don’t miss that episode and a future ones. And then please send us your questions.

You can reach out on social media. can email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit any questions that you want us to discuss and we’ll see you next time.