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Supporting Teens with Difficult or Uninvolved Parents | Ep. 166

Supporting Teens with Difficult or Uninvolved Parents | Ep. 166

by | Oct 29, 2024 | Podcast, Support Groups

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

How can we step up for teens with uninvolved parents without overstepping?

As mentors, educators, and community leaders, we often encounter students who need extra support because of challenges at home.

How can we best be there for them without overstepping boundaries? And how do we approach and work with parents who might be distant, resistant, or even hostile?

Whether you’re in a school, church, or community setting, this episode offers practical strategies and real-life examples to help you navigate these situations with compassion and effectiveness.

Key Question

How can I support students who have uninvolved or difficult parents? And how do I work with those parents?

How to Support Teens:
  • Be Consistent Teens thrive on stability, especially when they don’t have it at home. Show up for them in small but meaningful ways, and make sure they know they can rely on you.
  • Be Willing to Step In and Help with Basic Skills Some teens may not have the support they need to develop essential life skills, like studying, organizing, or managing their emotions. Offer to help where you can, but remember to respect their autonomy.
  • Connect Them with Resources You can’t be everything to every teen, and that’s okay. Knowing where to direct them for additional support—whether that’s tutoring, counseling, or extracurricular activities—can make a big difference.
  • Encourage Without Bashing the Parents It’s important to uplift teens without criticizing their parents. You can validate their feelings while maintaining a respectful and neutral stance about their family situation.
How to Work with Parents:
  • Come with Compassion, Not Judgment It’s essential to approach parents with empathy, recognizing that you may not know the whole story. Their behavior might be a result of challenges you can’t see—mental health struggles, past trauma, or overwhelming life circumstances.
  • Meet Parents Where They Are Offer multiple ways to communicate and connect. Whether it’s meeting at a convenient time or having a phone call instead of an in-person meeting, flexibility can help build trust and open communication.
  • Advocate for the Teen Without Blaming If you need to discuss a teen’s challenges, do so with care. Gently express how the parent’s involvement (or lack thereof) impacts their child while offering constructive, non-judgmental support.
  • Offer Support Give parents simple, manageable suggestions to become more involved. Maybe you can remind them about events or even offer a ride for their child. The goal is to show you’re on their side and want to partner with them for their child’s success.

Perspective Shift

It’s crucial to remember that teens don’t choose their parents, and many face circumstances beyond their control.

For some, their home life puts them at a disadvantage, and they may need more support, empathy, and understanding. On the flip side, consider the parents’ perspective. They may not want to be difficult but might lack the skills or support themselves. They could be dealing with issues like mental health struggles, financial stress, or simply not having had positive role models.

Building trust with compassion can open the door to making a real difference.

TL Tips & Takeaways:

Celebrate Small Wins:

Look for ways to recognize students’ efforts and progress. Acknowledging these can boost their confidence and help them feel valued.

Check-In:

Ask a “fist-to-five” question about how things are going at home. This simple check-in can give you insight into their current situation.

Do One Small Thing:

Think of one small way you can support a student this week. Whether it’s bringing an extra lunch, offering a ride, or helping them with schoolwork, these little gestures can have a big impact.

Tune in to learn more about how to be a consistent, supportive presence in a teen’s life and how to approach difficult parent situations with empathy and effectiveness. Let’s make a difference, one student at a time. Remember to subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss out on future episodes. We’d love to hear from you—reach out to us on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit your questions. Let’s keep the conversation going!
Read Episode Transcript

Tobin (00:05) Okay. How can I support students who have uninvolved or difficult parents? And how do I work with those parents? That is our question for today. Once again, welcome back to the Teen Life Podcast. My name is Tobin and I’m here again with Karlie and Caleb. And we just want to talk today about the question that was brought to us is how do we deal with students who may have a different home life than what we’re used to or expecting? we want to start with just kind of some easy tips for you. So how to support the teens. The first and foremost thing is just to be consistent.

Karlie Duke (00:29) Mm

Tobin (00:38) and be willing to step in and help with basic things that they may not be getting at home. Don’t take for granted that they are getting told the things that you think that every kid gets told because they may not be. The biggest example that is they also may not have parents literally at home before they come see you. They may be on work shifts or whatever it may be. Connect them with resources that

Caleb Hatchett (00:50) Hmm, yeah.

Tobin (01:05) you know, that may be able to help because the one thing that I’m really bad at is trying to do everything for someone in need. And sometimes that actually makes it worse on you and on the student as well. And then, yeah, exactly. And then encourage them without bashing the parents. That’s our, our main four things before we get kind of dive into this, but, you know, I always tell people that whenever you are dealing with stuff like this – That is still their family. And when it’s, when it’s all said and done, especially when they’re in the teenage years, they have to figure out as an adult how to deal with their parents. But whenever they’re teens, they, don’t have that choice. So don’t, don’t create tension or angst that is probably already there and you don’t need to be adding gasoline to the flame. Like, and so, that’s our four easy, kind of not easy. That’s our four broad ways that we can help support teams that you only think I add to that or maybe one that I’m not thinking of.

Karlie Duke (02:10) Well, I think let’s also talk about what does this look like. When we’re talking about uninvolved or difficult parents, which it’s hard to define because that could be a variety of different things. But especially if you are

Tobin (02:27) Mm

Karlie Duke (02:31) in a school, you might see kids who come home or come back to school without homework done, without projects done. Maybe they aren’t getting forms signed by parents they should. Tobin, you just mentioned the other day, sometimes schools do things for band, they have father -son night or for drill team, daddy -daughter things. But if there’s not an involved parent, maybe they feel like they don’t have anyone who can show up.

Tobin (02:42) Mm -hmm.

Karlie Duke (03:02) for that kind of thing. And so when it comes to uninvolved parents, that’s a big thing too, especially from the school or from the church, or maybe you have one of your child’s friends who comes from a home where the parents are uninvolved or have mental health problems where they can’t be available for the student in the way that they need to be. Maybe they work difficult hours and they work at night and they can’t be at sporting events. And you’re sitting there going, I want to,

Caleb Hatchett (03:07) Yeah.

Tobin (03:07) Yeah. Karlie Duke (03:31) Help this student, but how can I get through to a parent that is a more difficult situation?

Tobin (03:37) Going back to that, the father, son, mommy, son, whatever it may be, those kind of events, one thing I’ve seen schools do very well in this situation is they may call it, I’ll give an example, the choir at the school that my son goes to, they have a father-son night for their choir, and the dads sing with the choir.

Karlie Duke (04:00) Hmm.

Tobin (04:05) And I think it may be moms too, but whatever parent night, whatever. And I don’t think they even call it parent. I think they call it like heroes night or whatever, because then that gives you a chance to say to a student like, Hey, if you don’t have a parent or you or your parent is not someone that you want to bring in this situation, you can also invite X, Y, Z. In this case, it’s like, former music teachers. Cause I get invited to it every year by, you know, old students that I used to have. and that’s not a, that’s not a humble brag. It’s just in general, like that’s just like,

Caleb Hatchett (04:12) Mmm. Hmm.

Tobin (04:34) I, it’s a cool thing that I get to see every year. so if you are a school staff person or a person who’s in charge of those things, just kind of think through alternatives of what are ways that I can make sure that everyone feels included in this situation, whether they have a parent that’s gone or a parent that’s not involved or a parent that doesn’t show up or, you know, a parent that maybe the student doesn’t want to come for other reasons. And so, just kind of think through how you can have alternative ways to celebrate that without alienating some people too.

Caleb Hatchett (05:04) Yeah, I think too, it’ll look different in every environment, right? Like you being a teacher and supporting a student who has uninvolved or difficult parents is gonna look different if you’re a student minister or a group leader or in, that person’s community. I think the biggest thing, for me, in those situations is like a lot of times, like, you’re to have to pick up on these things and kind of take the lead on, you know, students not going to. Unless it’s a safe environment, isn’t going to really give up that information just willingly on, you know, the first interaction with them. And so, you know, as a, as a student minister, it’s about creating those environments and taking the charge on, let’s go get lunch and let’s go build a safe relationship and a safe community. And I think another just boundary to have is like, you know, encouraging without bashing the parents, but also being there without being the parent, you know, you don’t have to fill that parent role. That’s not, that’s not your job.

Tobin (06:00) Yeah, that’s good. I like that.

Caleb Hatchett (06:06) But still be there and still support that student can it’s about it’s a tightrope to walk but you don’t need to be the parent for for that student and I think you know There’s other ways to handle like for the parents themselves is just to come with compassion and not judgment. You obviously want to create a safe space with the student to where, you know, it doesn’t seem like you’re taking a side, just whenever you’re viewing that, talking with that student or viewing the parents, just come with compassion and not judgment. And keep in mind that you don’t know the whole story, especially if you’re only interacting with a student, you just know one side of the story.

Karlie Duke (06:43) Mm -hmm. Right. Right. And I think when you’re dealing with those parents, specifically if you’re an adult in a teen’s life and you need to interact with parents who maybe aren’t involved and are hard to get in touch with, or like I said, maybe have different circumstances that make them a little more difficult to handle. That could be personality differences. That could be lack of awareness. That could be, like I said, mental health problems that just make being around a little more difficult.

One of the key things is just to meet the parents where they are.

So if you’re needing to meet with them, offer a variety of ways to meet. Maybe give them different time options. Maybe say, hey, if you can’t meet in person, can I do a phone call? Hey, you call me when it works for you. You might have to be a little more flexible than you would with other parents just to make sure that they’re okay. Meet at times. Also maybe where they won’t cause a scene. or embarrassment if you’re dealing with a difficult parent. I know when I was in high school, there were kids that I went to school with whose parents sometimes if they were meeting with a teacher and it wasn’t going well would cause a scene. They just, we knew that they weren’t going to take that well and there would be raised voices and there would be, and if you have a feeling that that might be a parent that you’re dealing with, have that parent come in after hours. Like I said, maybe that is a phone call so they’re not coming up and adding more to the plate. of that student. I’ll also say we didn’t add this as much with the student, but I’m going to go back and add this. Remember that they’re separate? The parent and the child. Sometimes it’s hard to separate those if you have a difficult relationship with a parent, but the teenager didn’t choose that. And so looking out for the student and doing what’s best for the student, even if their parent isn’t thinking that way in that moment, that’s a way that you can help them.

Caleb Hatchett (08:27) Yeah.

Tobin (08:37) Yeah, for sure.

Caleb Hatchett (08:39) Mm -hmm.

Karlie Duke (08:48) advocate for the teen without blaming. That’s key to when you’re talking to a parent and you’re like, hey, they need help at home or they really need this from you. But without being like, hey, you’re being terrible or hey, you’re not showing up and it’s impacting your student. But also maybe just let them know like, hey, I really think it would mean a lot to your child if you showed up to the football game this week. Do you need help getting there? Do you need me to help you buy your ticket? Is there someone that can help you?

Caleb Hatchett (08:59) Hahaha

Karlie Duke (09:15) like meet you at the front and walk you because you’re anxious about where you’re gonna sit. Thinking through things like that and then offering support, giving simple suggestions, like I said, for ways that they can be involved. Maybe it’s a, hey, calendars get crazy, do you need an extra reminder when this is due? Can I send you an email and say, hey, don’t forget to fill this form out or don’t forget that the, to sign up for the mission trip, that deadline is coming up and. you I just don’t I want to make sure you don’t want to miss it so what’s the best way for me to help support you in that offering things like that really practical ways.

Tobin (09:52) think also from the school side of things, definitely in the culture that we’re in right now, there’s not a lot of trust between schools and parents, at least in some settings. so if you are coming from the school’s perspective, just kind of remind yourself that like, have to like, even if I’m trying to get across them that I need either them to back off or to be more involved, depending on what the parent is, you kind of have to come at it with a, I’ve got to gain their trust before I can do that stuff. So doing those things that Karlie just said will obviously help with that. But, but also just kind of reminding yourself that it’s like everything we say, including with the teens, like everyone is coming to the table with something that’s creating a block or a stressor or whatever it may be. And that includes the reason for these parents behaving the way they are, whether that’s good or bad or overbearing or underbearing and that kind of thing. it’s, it’s just, it’s really hard to kind of, kind of play that, you know, that one of those one side or the other.

But the main thing is, is that the student and the team gets what they need and that’s to be cared for. So whether that’s through you as the school staff, whether that’s through a mentor, whether that’s through the parents, actually the parents, whatever it may be, that’s, that’s the end goal. And that’s the thing that you have to remind the parents too, is that we all want, you know, little Caleb to have what they need. So that includes, you know, us helping you to figure out what you can do to help with that too.

Karlie Duke (11:27) Right. When I think, and every episode we try to kind of give a perspective shift to maybe you haven’t thought about it this way. and so like I said, teenagers can’t choose their parents. Oftentimes parents don’t want to be difficult. They don’t want to be uninvolved. There might be outside forces that are contributing to that. And so that’s where I’m saying like having that compassion. but one thing, the more and more I’m in schools, the more and more I do teen life groups.

Tobin (11:38) Mm

Karlie Duke (11:57) And maybe I have a difficult student. I’ve worked a lot in alternative campuses. So students who have gotten kicked off of their traditional campus for one reason or another. And as I’m sitting there going like, how did you get here? As they start to talk, I’m like, man, you are already at a disadvantage because of your home life. You are already, I have students tell me over and over again, man, I just wish my parents cared enough to punish me. Man, I wish my parent cared enough to set a curfew.

Caleb Hatchett (12:22) Hmm.

Karlie Duke (12:26) or my parent has never shown up to a single game I’ve ever played. They have no idea of my coach’s names, they don’t know any of my teachers. And so those students need more help, they need more empathy, and they just need more support than your students who come from a home where like everything’s firing on all cylinders and they have involved parents who know what’s going on and in a way that they have a good relationship too. And so if they are coming from a place where it just isn’t… in that season, a good relationship at home. just, they need a little, they need a little extra help.

Caleb Hatchett (13:02) And it’s like, okay, to provide that help, to provide that extra support. Like it’s not, you’re not playing favorites or anything like that. It’s just, you’re being there and providing for a student who needs that extra, extra bit of help. so some

Karlie Duke (13:09) Mm Well, I think too, we tell our facilitators like when they go through training, you might be one of the first adults who has actually listened and not lectured, or you might be the first adult where a student walks away going, man, they really care about me and they’re going to show up next week. Some of our students have never had that modeled for them. And so if you are a teacher in a school setting, the way that you react to that student might be the first time that they’ve had an adult.

Tobin (13:26) Yeah. 100%.

Caleb Hatchett (13:28) Yeah.

Karlie Duke (13:47) care about them that way. I’m a youth minister, another parent, like if they walk in, you’re like, why did they react that way? Maybe they’ve never seen an adult hug their kid and said, Hey, I’m proud of you. Or if they have bad news, be like, man, you know what? That’s okay. Let’s figure out how we’re going to work through this together. And they’re sitting there going like, wait, you’re not getting yelled at. You’re not getting kicked out of the house because you made a mistake. And so you’re always being watched and every interaction that you have could be

Caleb Hatchett (13:55) Mm Hmm.

Karlie Duke (14:16) as Tobin was saying, like just an opportunity to gain trust and to make that happen with the student as well.

Tobin (14:24) And so, so on that note, like as we kind of get towards the end of this, this topic, here’s some tips and takeaways. Like the first and foremost being look for ways to celebrate the student or students. it doesn’t even need to be like, mean, Karlie just said it, like it could literally be like a high five saying, Hey dude, like really proud of you for XYZ or Hey, like it can be literally anything, but if you show interest in them and celebrating them, it, goes a long way. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (14:54) Well, I have an example as we were talking about it, I was thinking I was like, we actually did this, not like to pat myself on the back, but a little different, but Josh had a player who was getting to do a college visit and we just knew like he was going to go on this college visit. And I was, I just asked Josh, I was like, is anyone going to be home that night to celebrate that?

Caleb Hatchett (15:17) Mmm.

Karlie Duke (15:17) And to be like, Hey, this is a big thing that you are getting a college visit. You’re looking to play further on whether he got that or not. And I was like, can we just take him to dinner? Will you just ask, can we meet him and take him to dinner? And our family with teeny tiny toddlers rolled up and I’m sure it was kind of cheesy and wheels off, but that was just a way that to say like, Hey, we noticed the effort that you’re making. We noticed that you’re putting work in and want to celebrate you. And I know some people like.

Caleb Hatchett (15:41) Mm.

Karlie Duke (15:47) school staff might not be able to do things like that. And so that’s where Tobin’s saying it could be a high five. It could be slipping a note on a piece of homework that was like, Hey, I saw progress on this paper. Great job.

Caleb Hatchett (15:59) Hmm. And to like the way you know, those things to celebrate is through that investment and through that support of, of knowing if something’s going on, even like outside of school of like a game or anything like that. Like it’s just those small wins and celebrations are another way to say, this, this person cares. Like beyond just how I am as a student or how I am as, you know, within this youth group, right? And so like, I’ve always just amazed by how those little things like showing up to a game or asking a follow -up on something that they one -off mentioned the week before means so much more than even like I can expect. And so just being intentional and being…

Karlie Duke (16:39) Mm -hmm.

Tobin (16:42) Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (16:47) consistent with those things go such a long way just because you know if a student is so used to being let down you don’t want to be another person to get a hope up and another let down and so yes the expectations are a little higher, but just being there and modeling that for a student can go such a long way with how they interact with other people and other adults for the rest of their lives and so it’s just so so so important

Karlie Duke (16:58) Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (17:15) and some other small things that you can do for students are just bringing an extra lunch, ask if they need help studying, offering a ride if they need to go someplace like you because if their parents are working weird schedules they might not be able to to go to as a small group or I just come at it from a student ministry angle but making sure that they can get there and then

Tobin (17:41) with which actually making sure this I had to say like making sure you have parent consent on that. Like you go through the parents offer the ride. Just, know, yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (17:46) Yes. Being smart about it. then yeah, asking if they, you need to remind their parents about an event, like Karlie had said, making sure that, that it’s on the radar that they can go and making sure that you’re putting them in the best environments possible.

Karlie Duke (18:03) I think for a student, if they have asked a parent to come to something or show up and that parent has said no or has forgotten, putting themselves back out there is an incredibly vulnerable place to be. And so if you know that, maybe a student has mentioned like, yeah, I asked, but they never said anything. Be like, hey, let me ask. Let me take that off you. And maybe another voice would be helpful. And then if they get a rejection that’s on you and not on them and you can take some of that pressure off.

Tobin (18:20) Mm -hmm sure

Caleb Hatchett (18:21) Yeah.

Tobin (18:28) Mm

Caleb Hatchett (18:29) Hmm.

Karlie Duke (18:33) Another.

Tobin (18:33) The last thing you can do to like, well, I’ll be really good to talk about this from a teen life perspective is sometimes you don’t need to have a heavy, long conversation with them. Just ask them fist to five. How are you this week? How are things at home? And that way that gives them the chance to open up to you about it. But if they show you a low number, then you know, OK, I got to keep an eye on this. I got to check in on this. And it doesn’t have to be right that moment either. And so just making sure that your president showing them and parents can do that, too. It’s not this is it. This is it.

Caleb Hatchett (18:44) Yeah.

Tobin (19:02) you know, just for people who are trying to help with uninvolved or overbearing parents. like this is anybody like ask your kid like this five hours a week. OK, cool. And then just kind of keep note of that. And just that’s an easy, easy touch point without having to be like, know my kid, my oldest kid is a he will come to me when he’s ready to talk, but he will not talk if I go to him. And so like I can I can get things out of him like a fistful five, but.

Caleb Hatchett (19:12) Mm

Tobin (19:30) and I can just kind of know, okay, he’s having a rough week, but I need to wait for him to come to me. And so, but I know that about my kid. And so there’s probably some kids that you’re working with that are the same way.

Karlie Duke (19:34) Mm

Caleb Hatchett (19:36) Mm.

Karlie Duke (19:40) That’s good. Well, that’s a wrap on this question in this episode. So make sure you subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. Reach out on social media or podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit your questions. We’re already starting to plan for our next set of questions coming in the spring.

Send us an email, let us know what do you want us to cover, what questions you have that are going to help you connect with the teenagers in your life, and we’ll see you next week!

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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Teens, Media and Information Sources | Ep 165

Teens, Media and Information Sources | Ep 165

by | Oct 22, 2024 | Parenting, Podcast, Resources, Social Media

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Teens overwhelmingly rely on social media for information and news, but is that the best source?

From social media and search engines to online communities and friends, teens have access to a wide range of media and information sources—but not all are created equal. We’ll explore the landscape of teen information consumption and discuss how we can help guide them to trustworthy content.

Key Question

Where do teens get most of their information? And how can we point them to better resources?

Top Media and Information Sources for Teens:
Here are some of the most common places teens turn to for information:

  • Social Media (TikTok): Social media is a major influence, with TikTok leading the charge. Teens often rely on these platforms for quick information, but the content they see is curated by algorithms, which can create echo chambers.
  • Friends and Peers: Teens trust the opinions of those around them, and their friends and peers are often primary sources of information.
  • Search Engines (Google and YouTube): Quick searches are the go-to for many teens, and YouTube is a major platform for visual learners.
  • ChatGPT or AI: More teens are turning to AI tools like ChatGPT for instant answers, but accuracy varies.
  • Family: Family still plays a role, but sometimes teens seek other sources when family members aren’t open to discussing certain topics.
  • School: While educators provide information, the impact often depends on the topic and the teacher’s approach.
  • News (Mostly Digital): Teens may browse news articles online, but they often consume headlines and summaries rather than in-depth reporting.
  • Online Communities and Forums (Reddit, Discord): These platforms can provide niche or community-based information, but the quality is mixed.
  • Podcasts: Yes, podcasts are becoming a valuable resource for teens, offering a mix of entertainment and education.
Social Media & Information Overload:
Social media’s influence on teens can’t be understated, especially when platforms like TikTok offer a constant stream of curated content. Teens might not realize that what they see is often tailored to reinforce what they already believe—creating echo chambers that make it hard to see different perspectives. Fake news is also a huge problem in the digital age. Misinformation spreads rapidly, and it can be hard for teens to distinguish between credible sources and misleading content. The TikTok search feature, for example, is becoming increasingly popular, but how accurate is the information teens are finding there?

Perspective Shift

Are we missing the mark?

A critical question for us as mentors: Are teens seeking information elsewhere because we aren’t willing to have difficult conversations? It’s important to create spaces where teens feel comfortable discussing challenging topics without fear of judgment. If they don’t get the information they need from us, they’ll turn to other, possibly less reliable, sources.

TL Tips & Takeaways:

Ask Questions:

Encourage teens to share where they get their information and ask them about their thought process. Show interest and create an open dialogue.

Teach Fact-Checking Skills:

Walk them through how to find reliable sources and how to cross-check information. Empower them to be critical thinkers.

Recommend Neutral News Sources:

Direct them to trusted, unbiased news outlets like Associated Press, Reuters, or NPR. These sources provide factual reporting without sensationalism.

 Remember to subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss out on future episodes. We’d love to hear from you—reach out to us on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit your questions. Let’s keep the conversation going!
Read Episode Transcript

Karlie Duke (00:08)
Where do teens get most of their information and how can we point them to better resources? Okay, we got a big question today that we’re gonna talk about and mostly because honestly, I think our teenagers would probably get pretty defensive about this one too. But it’s something that we’re seeing a lot of when I was growing up, there were very few source at mostly library or Wikipedia was the big one of like, don’t trust Wikipedia. But now our students have access to so many sources, so many resources that they’re going a lot of different places to find information. And especially if you are a school person trying to make sure that what they’re turning in, what they’re talking about is correct and a good source, but this is a great lesson to teach teenagers too.

So what do all think?

Caleb Hatchett (01:07)
I mean, it’s super interesting. yeah, just how much it’s changed even since like I was in school versus like, when I’m calling y ‘all old, when y’all were in school, you know, but

Tobin (01:16)
Wow. Wow. Wow.

Karlie Duke (01:18)
That’s so rude.

Caleb Hatchett (01:19)
Like, you know, I you know, we had max in class like middle school all the way through high school And so you just have access to more throughout the day I think too like the interesting thing that I’m seeing with a lot of teens is kind of differentiating like opinion from fact just because so much of what that they’re seeing and like Intaking like especially through social media which like I know we’ll kind of get into like what are the sources that teens are getting their info from like Social media is a big one and I think like whenever you’re intaking that much

Karlie Duke (01:33)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin (01:34)
Mm.

Caleb Hatchett (01:49)
info, you can kind of get in the headspace of, okay, what I’m hearing is fact, even though it’s a person’s opinion or just a different side on a story. And so that’s kind where I’m seeing it. But no, I’m super excited to kind of get to dive into this topic and talk about it.

Tobin (02:06)
Yeah. And I think to piggyback on that, I mean, I am old and it’s like, thought I was, don’t know why I was thinking about today, but you know, when I was in middle school and high school, high school as much as definitely middle school, we used to go to the library as a class to quote-unquote research for papers. And that included like using the one computer on campus for internet, you know, or the

Caleb Hatchett (02:28)
Mm.

Tobin (02:34)
Encyclopedias. So if you are a youth listening, encyclopedias is kind of like an online, you know, knowledge, but in a book. so, so yeah, I mean, like, it’s, it’s crazy because like, one that also dictated like how you wrote, cause it’s like, Hey, if I, don’t, mean, like, again, y ‘all don’t remember this because y ‘all didn’t do this, but like, I literally chose papers on like, how much does the encyclopedia talk about this? How can I, know, or how many books are in the library on this? And now you have this wealth of knowledge, which is great, but

Karlie Duke (02:41)
You

Caleb Hatchett (03:02)
Yeah.

Tobin (03:03)
Everything that you did back then was strictly factual or it was very obvious. It was an opinion. Whereas now you just don’t know. Even Wikipedia can be changed by, by strangers. So, it’s just, it’s just kind of crazy how everything’s at the fingertips now, but also there’s a lot of misinformation out there as well, which is crazy.

Karlie Duke (03:24)
Okay, so let’s get into what are some of the top sources for teens. And the first one I wanna submit because we’ve already mentioned it is social media. But I think specifically TikTok.

Tobin (03:35)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (03:38)
Yeah. TikTok’s crazy. Like with like their search engine and what you’re seeing now, like is on videos. If a topic is talked about, it’ll have a little like magnifying glass.

with a topic that you can like then click on and it’ll tell you what the video is talking about or like things like that that like is crazy. And it’s gotten like better, but like there’s still some flaws, but like that’s wild too. That like, you don’t even necessarily have to go out and search for something. Like it’s just a click of a button away. If you get on one TikTok about a certain subject, you can just click and then find way more info about it.

Karlie Duke (04:14)
Mm

Tobin (04:16)
I got to be honest, there’s many times that I won’t know about like a current event or like something going on. And then I’ll see it on Tik TOK. And it’s like, and then I get on a rabbit hole of like, why is this person on trial? And then it’s like, you know, there’s there and it seems like we kind of like go through these waves of things that we get super like invested in. like, you know, murder cases or, some sort of like, like,

Caleb Hatchett (04:21)
Yeah.

Tobin (04:44)
tensions in certain areas or wherever it may be. And there’s a lot of times like, like there’s things that I would never know about if it wasn’t for social media, putting it in front of me. And, and it’s like across the nation, like, and then it’s not that I shouldn’t, you know, I should put my head in the sand. not that I can’t be, you know, researching and looking at that kind of stuff, but there’s a lot of times that that stuff puts it in front of me on its own. And like, and and I wouldn’t know it about it otherwise, which is just, it is a weird thing to think about.

Caleb Hatchett (04:54)
Yeah.

And even as an adult, it’s fun. Cause you know, if it’s talking about like Riz or the thing that you don’t understand, like they’re using like lingo, it’ll have the search bar. And a lot of times you can click it and it’ll take you to another video of someone explaining what it is. So that’s, I’ve even found it somewhat useful just with that. But I think teens are using it differently than that.

Karlie Duke (05:11)
That’s it.

Well, I just don’t think teens are watching the news. They’re not going to news websites. They don’t have that on their phone. What they’re doing is they’re going to X and seeing news things come across in real time.

Tobin (05:38)
Mmm.

Caleb Hatchett (05:38)
No.

Snapchat has a whole page for that stuff too, yeah.

Karlie Duke (05:48)
Yes, or they’re following different accounts like celebrity accounts or gossip accounts or stuff on Instagram. And that’s how they’re getting their news. When something big happens, they go look for there instead of maybe what adults would consider reputable news sources. But I mean, I do this too. If, if my internet is out, I go to X first and type in is AT &T out of service. Like that’s how I find out where things are happening. And I’m

Caleb Hatchett (06:12)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (06:16)
obviously on the upper older end of that. that’s where our teenagers are looking to or we’re looking at a new car right now. I’m going to TikTok and putting in comparisons. What does that look like? Because I know that’s a short form way for me to get information. And that’s a silly example because that doesn’t necessarily matter as much if it’s true or not. Then if someone’s going and looking at.

Caleb Hatchett (06:32)
Mm

Karlie Duke (06:40)
politics or a big world event that’s happening and they’re listening to someone that has no expertise talk about it on TikTok. But that’s where a lot of our teens are getting their news and getting their sources.

Caleb Hatchett (06:52)
And I think a lot of that is like a microcosm of just kind of the shift of how we intake information now of like how teens into like, you know, like Tobin said, you’re used to like reading, like if a, if a teenager has a question on like a user’s manual of like how to set something up, odds are they’re going to look up a video instead of trying to read through.

the instructions on how to do it just because that’s how information is in taken now. And so like, it’s interesting to like how even across the board on like searching things and information about things, I find that teens would rather have watch a video than read something about it.

Karlie Duke (07:26)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin (07:27)
I gotta be honest. I’m not much different in that area either. So, you know, and I, and I’m 40. So I think, I think it’s a shift in, in also like, you know, you, Carly, you were saying that adults, you know, the below us or the kids below us are not watching the news. I don’t watch the news like, because I don’t think news is the same either. And so in also because the way that information was being presented in the past,

Caleb Hatchett (07:30)
No. Me neither.

Mm -mm.

Tobin (07:55)
has to kind of get with the times or else they’re going to be left behind. I look at newspapers. Like newspapers are essentially gone now. And I, I mean, I, maybe I was an old person when I was 13 and now I’m not an old person, but like, used to read the newspaper every day at school. Like I would like get the sports page and take it with me to school. And like, I can’t tell you the last time I even put my hands on a newspaper and that, and so like some of that too is that’s why you will see like,

Caleb Hatchett (08:10)
Hmm.

Yeah.

Tobin (08:22)
these long time organizations like CNN, MSNBC, Fox news, whatever it may be that they are getting in the game with Snapchat and Apple news and Tik Tok and whatever it may be, because they know that that’s how that’s, they got to come, they got to meet the people where they’re at.

Caleb Hatchett (08:36)
Right.

Karlie Duke (08:37)
When I think two things worth mentioning, you’re talking about newspapers. Now, if someone sends me an article to, I don’t know, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, you get a limit on how many articles you can read before it starts to charge you. And our teens are like, I don’t have time for that. And so some of it is access. And then I think another piece, like for example, my husband is huge into sports. He doesn’t have time to sit around and wait to watch Sports Center at the end of the day to figure out what happened all day.

Caleb Hatchett (08:49)
Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Karlie Duke (09:05)
when he can get on social media or X, think is where he mostly looks at sports and he can know real time what’s happening all the time. Like people, has other friends who will send him stuff days later. He’s like, yeah, I knew about that exactly when it happened because that’s where I get my news. And so in some ways there are positives to that. But I think as we’re gonna keep talking, we’ve got to figure out how can we make sure that they’re checking those sources to make sure they’re right.

Tobin (09:23)
Mm

Well, and another positive thing about that is what teens and with everybody is in those situations, like instead of getting like your blanket news, like, or your blanket MSNBC or blanket ESPN, whatever it may be, you can pay for services. Like I’ll use sports as an example. Like I can subscribe to the athletic, which is an online news source where that gives me anything I want, but it’s a monthly fee, you know, but at least I know that that’s where I’m getting all my information. So like that’s like, can, you can even like.

what’s the word I’m looking for? You can even like, itemize and prioritize what you want instead of getting like the blanket, like I’m going to watch the 10 o ‘clock news and at 10 35 I get sports, you know, that kind of thing.

Karlie Duke (10:10)
Mm -hmm, yeah. Okay, so going into other things, search engines, obviously Google, I think YouTube, similar to social media, but is also used as a search engine if students are looking for tutorials or news or someone to sit and explain a little more long form. That’s where they’re going.

Caleb Hatchett (10:10)
Yeah.

Yeah.

I think too, the interesting thing with search engines right now, especially like with Google, what I’m noticing is like, you’ll search for something, click on the first one. And there’s times I’m like, what, this is a bad source. And you go back and it’s add. So like people can pay to put their link and like, if there’s keyword search, put it at the top. And so like,

Karlie Duke (10:42)
Yeah, it’s a sponsor.

Caleb Hatchett (10:51)
Like it’s just interesting now how you’re kind of having to scroll past the first three to get to the real top hit. And you know, if you’re a student, something like that, I mean, not necessarily saying that those top links are just wrong. They may not be as good or effective as the ones further down. So it’s just interesting.

Karlie Duke (11:08)
Mm -hmm. I think Caleb also brought up before we started recording chat, GPT, and AI is also one. And I know we use this. I mean, sometimes for work, I’ll put in, hey, what are good resources for this topic? And chat GPT will answer that or they’ll ask it a question. They will, I know we’ve mentioned this on the podcast before when we’ve talked about AI, but I know chat GPT.

in particular like says at the bottom, basically fact check. Like we’re not responsible if it’s not true. So you need to fact check everything that we give you. Now, I also think if staying in like the online part, online communities and forums are also where people, where teenagers get stuff. So Reddit, Discord.

Tobin (11:39)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (11:40)
Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie Duke (11:57)
depending on what they’re looking for. And then obviously the more in -person touch. So friends and peers is where they’re getting information. They’re getting it from family, they’re getting it from school. Maybe they’re getting it from podcasts, depending on what kind of podcasts they’re listening to. And podcasts are also a great resource, especially if you’re wanting to dive deeper into a topic, to have it on the go, to put it in your ears when you’re doing something else that they can get sources that way.

Tobin (12:11)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (12:12)
Mm

Karlie Duke (12:26)
I do think, as you can tell, just based on the amount of time that we spend on it, social media is the dominant influence. I mean, that is where most of their information comes from. And we kind of touched on this, but that is curated by algorithms. And so that’s something to keep in mind too, that your teenagers are often in kind of an echo chamber. I think we’re seeing that right now a lot with politics too.

Tobin (12:33)
Yeah, for sure.

Caleb Hatchett (12:33)
Mm

Tobin (12:44)
Mm

Karlie Duke (12:55)
is you tend to see the same opinion over and over and over again based on your algorithm. So you might not be getting both sides of a story like you might from other sources, which can be an issue for our teens.

Tobin (13:07)
for sure.

Caleb Hatchett (13:08)
I think like too, even with like, especially politics, like that’s a lot of their ad campaign marketing right now is just pushing that into like social media and into algorithms and things like that. And so, I mean, like it’s almost inescapable right now. Like,

Karlie Duke (13:19)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (13:25)
your team is, if they’re on social media is in taking some sort of news and information, whether they’re like actively in taking it or not. Like it’s, there on those platforms. And so, you know, and even with that, going back to like what we talked about, like with a TikTok search feature, like we were talking about before, like how a lot of that can be wrong. Like I think

Karlie Duke (13:48)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (13:49)
Carly had a story that I’m sure she’ll tell. then like even along with, you know, social media, like fake news and just, we’ve talked about it before, like fake. I see it a lot in sports. see like a lot of, you know, they’ll take like bar stool or like a certain reputable, like actual news outlet, like for sports. And we’ll change like one letter on it and then be like,

Jalen Hurts ACL out for the year. And you’re like, what? And then you read the comment site. It’s fake. So like, it’s either people like intentionally being fake, just to get like views or clicks or fake, whether they know it or not.

Karlie Duke (14:21)
Yeah.

One AI has made that even more thing. sent, which I knew it was fake when I sent it to him, but I’ve been getting every now and then fake press conferences. I don’t know if y ‘all have seen that where they’re like dub over voices of athletes where they’re like.

Caleb Hatchett (14:41)
Yes.

Tobin (14:42)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (14:46)
calling people names or saying really funny stuff. And I sent one to Josh and I knew it was fake and he was like, you know that’s not real. But if you’re not paying attention, you might start sending that around and not realizing, hey, this is AI generated. And like Caleb was saying with the TikTok search feature, so a lot of times if you’re on a video, it’ll pop up like a magnifying glass and something to search.

And a lot of times that comes from the comments. That’s not necessarily like fact. what they’re talking about. So I’ve come across a few videos where the poster has kept the name of a celebrity or the name of the restaurant that they’re complaining about anonymous. But the TikTok search feature will put a name in there and everyone was and then everyone assumes that it’s that person when that’s not even true. And so you can go down this rabbit hole. I saw this happen with a restaurant that someone was complaining about a restaurant.

And then I went to that restaurants. like searched it and looked it up. And then I went to their Instagram and they had like made a story about like kind of poking fun at the Tik TOK because they’re like, Hey, that’s not us, but everyone’s assuming that it’s us because of the Tik TOK search feature. So that’s a conversation too, to have with teams like say, Hey, if you are on Tik TOK, do you see the search feature? Do you know what it means? Do you always consider that factor? Do you look into it more?

Tobin (16:08)
Well, and speaking of looking into that, legitimately, I’m asking you guys as adults with real jobs and you know, real lives. If someone tells gives you information, like have y ‘all ever been trained on how to fact check in this, in this like technology age and stuff? Like, do y ‘all even know how to fact check as adults? Cause honestly, like I, I barely do. And it’s only because I had a granddad that was very

Karlie Duke (16:08)
And that’s where, no, it got opened.

Tobin (16:37)
weird about this stuff and kind of taught me how when I was in high school, but like, that’s the thing is like, if we’re not teaching our students, Hey, you can’t believe everything that you’re reading in any topic off of the internet and off of social media and stuff like that. But here’s how you can find that out. Like a lot of people are going to take whatever they see at face value. And so like, and I think that, I mean, I have friends that are in that boat that probably don’t know how to fact check.

Karlie Duke
I think that’s a great question Tobin of do we even know how to fact check? And that’s something, I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I have looked into it before of I’ve even asked questions or like looked up now I’ve Googled it. So who knows how relevant that is. But like when it comes to news, what are the most neutral news sites to start getting information that’s not as biased? Like those are things that I think of. Cause I think you can find one of the problems with this.

One of the problems with this subject in particular is you can find any article that’s gonna back up your point of view. I mean, like it is very easy to go find either side, either extreme, but if you wanna know like more close to the facts, like making sure that you’re looking at reputable sites, and I don’t really wanna answer that for everyone listening here, that’s something I think you need to look into and have a conversation with teenagers, but one question I do wanna pose is: Are teens seeking other sources of information because we aren’t willing to have those conversations with them.

Tobin
I think it depends on the household. You know, there’s some households, like, I mean, it’s not the same thing, but like my grandparents watched a certain news station solely because of the weatherman that was there. like, man, like total sidebar, like people are loyal to their weathermen. And so like, if, the household is a certain way,

I could see it either way. could see it as a, that’s, that’s where they get their news. But I could also see it as, well, you know, especially as a teenager, well, I don’t like what mom and dad thinks. So I’m going to now go the opposite end of the spectrum. And the next thing you know, you have like differing things happening. And so like, I do think that that’s, that plays a huge part in it, or is the household actually having conversations about finding your own, you know, finding correct sources or your own voice in that situation too. But the household plays a huge part of that, in my opinion.

Caleb Hatchett (01:56)
I think too, what I’ve noticed is like students are just not as willing to ask questions, like just in general anymore. I think like a lot of that, especially like in this age is you want to, because you can be so connected, you want to seem educated on a subject and asking a question means, you know, in their mind means I’m not.

And so it’s just this sense of, if I can’t, I feel like I have to educate myself, like my way without letting people know that I have like these questions, because I’ll be looked down upon or viewed as like, you don’t know the answer to that. And so, you know, I think a lot of ways that like, you know, as parents or even as youth leaders is just making a safe space and just even modeling to them, like questions and like, Hey, have you ever thought of this? And, you know, I just know as.

Because I’m a student minister, we’re kind of going through the whole story of the Bible this year and every, every lesson I start out and small group, I start out with, it’s okay to ask questions and it’s okay not to have the answers to those questions. Like it’s fine. Like it’s going to be okay. Like whenever you’re encountering the Bible, whenever you’re encountering the world and faith and navigate, you’re going to have questions. And so just modeling that like it’s okay not to know everything and it’s okay.

Karlie Duke (03:53)
Let’s look it up together.

Tobin
Yeah, the great Ted Lasso said, be curious, not judgmental. I mean, yep, very wise guy.

Yeah, that’s good.

Karlie Duke (04:19)
We love curiosity here. And that is getting into our kind of tips and takeaways for this question and the subject of ask questions. And just like Caleb was saying, ask them in a way that makes them feel safe and not stupid. Cause I think if a teen comes to you and makes some statement that they saw on social media, instead of being like that as a stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, like where did you get that information?

Caleb Hatchett (04:33)
Mm. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (04:45)
Ask it in a way that’s like, really? Can you send me that video? I love to watch it. Hey, have you done more research into this? Find maybe a good rule of thumb is like, find me five sources that back up that claim. Like five more reputable, not just TikTok, like, or three, like go to three different news sites. Sometimes if I see something online, I’ll like actually go and Google it and be like, is this actually happening from multiple sites? Not just one to make sure that I’m not just assuming something and sharing that information. Cause like you’re saying, Caleb, they don’t wanna be wrong. And so let’s teach them how to make sure that they’re confident in the information that they’re putting out. And so that’s kind of the second piece to that is talk through practical places to get reliable information, teach them how to fact check, give them neutral news sources. Someone I did look it up, Associated Press, Reuters, NPR are typically considered more neutral.

Tobin
You got, you got to find stuff that’s not like usually opinion related it and more factual, like, like, is, which AP is a good and Routers are a good example of that of they’re presenting a story and the facts of the story and not an op ed from someone on their team, like, like other resources do. Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett
And also like encourage teens, like read, read both sides, you know, like yes, find a neutral one, but like, if there are opinion pieces, read both sides of the opinion and just kind of, you know, just get as much info and as many sides as you can just to kind of help expand and do like,

Yeah, I think it’s just how you approach it and just making them feel safe and not just immediately like what and feeling like attacking and being like, because then it turns into an argument. doesn’t need to be an argument and just making sure that they realized they’re on the same team. And two, like, it’s just even with funny things, I know a while back, like was going around that Helen Keller didn’t exist. Right. Like, yes. Like, and like, that’s just a microcosm of everything. Yeah.

Tobin
We talked about this on the podcast. That she wasn’t actually blind and deaf. Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (07:00)
of like, there’s no like, it’s to the point of like teenagers and everything, it’s them processing and like, going through the curiosity of like, there’s no way. It just to kind of not laugh it off immediately and just be like, well, okay, let’s look into Helen Keller’s story because that does sound crazy. I mean,

Tobin
Karlie’s still not convinced.

Karlie Duke
Mm

Well, I don’t know. I’m just saying there are some convincing TikToks out there that make me ask questions. But I think that’s great. I think this is the perfect opportunity to have conversation with your students. And you would rather teach them and model for them now how to do this well so that when they leave, when they graduate, when they are out of your class, that they feel equipped to do this on their own. And this is a skill that they’re going to take with them on and on and on.

And so have a great conversation with the teen today about where they’re getting their sources and what that looks like. We have more exciting episodes coming up in this season of the Teen Life podcast, so make sure that you’re subscribed on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. And once again, we want your questions. So reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit your question and we’ll see you next week.

Links & Resources:

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

More Resources You Might Like

the power of validation
The Fake News Effect
Episode 103 Anxiety & Gap Years

How to Ensure a Safe Halloween with Teens: Tips for Parents

How to Ensure a Safe Halloween with Teens: Tips for Parents

by | Oct 16, 2024 | Blog, Parenting

Planning and open communication make for a great Halloween night.

Halloween is an exciting time for teenagers.

It offers a chance to hang out with friends, dress up, and experience a night filled with spooky fun. However, as a parent, you also want to ensure your teen stays safe while enjoying the festivities. With some planning and open communication, you can help them have a memorable yet safe Halloween. Here are some essential tips to keep in mind.

1. Set Clear Boundaries on Curfew and Location

For many teens, Halloween is their chance to gain some independence. They may want to attend parties, trick-or-treat with friends, or roam through haunted houses in the neighborhood. Setting clear expectations about their curfew is vital. Agree on a specific time they need to be home and make sure they know to check in with you if they change locations or plans. Use location-sharing apps if necessary, so you know where they are, but be careful not to be overbearing.

Discuss the routes they plan to take if trick-or-treating and remind them to stick to well-lit, familiar areas. Encourage them to avoid shortcuts through alleys, abandoned areas, or parks that may pose a safety risk.

2. Talk About Safety in Numbers

Teens often want to venture out without supervision on Halloween, but they shouldn’t go it alone. Encourage them to stick with a group of friends, which is much safer than going solo. Groups are more visible to cars, and there’s safety in numbers when it comes to potential dangers such as getting lost or encountering individuals with bad intentions.

3. Costume Safety

While choosing a fun Halloween costume is one of the highlights of the holiday, it’s important to consider safety. Advise your teen to avoid costumes that restrict their vision or ability to move freely. Masks can obstruct their peripheral vision, so makeup is often a better alternative for face covering.

If your teen will be out trick-or-treating or walking around at night, make sure their costume is easily visible to drivers. You can add reflective tape to dark costumes or provide them with a flashlight or glow stick to carry. This ensures they are seen and can avoid accidents when crossing streets.

4. Discuss Responsible Behavior

Halloween can be a night of mischief, but it’s crucial to set boundaries on acceptable behavior. While some teens may think it’s all in good fun to engage in pranks or vandalism, these activities can lead to trouble. Have an open conversation with your teen about the consequences of illegal or inappropriate behavior, like trespassing or damaging property. Encourage them to be respectful of other people’s property and Halloween decorations.

5. Be Aware of Parties and Substance Use

As teens get older, Halloween parties become a common part of the celebration. It’s important to be aware of where they plan to go and whether the party will be supervised by adults. Encourage them to attend parties hosted by trusted friends or organized events with proper oversight. This is also a good time to remind your teen about the dangers of alcohol and drugs, which may be more prevalent at unsupervised parties. Make sure they know they can call you if they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation and need a safe way home, no questions asked.

6. Phone Use and Emergency Plans

Ensure your teen has a fully charged phone before heading out. Encourage them to check in periodically and respond promptly if you reach out to them. In case of emergency, discuss backup plans like safe locations where they can go or friends’ houses they can rely on. It’s also smart to review basic safety practices with your teen, such as how to identify safe adults (police officers or neighborhood families) and what to do if they feel threatened or uncomfortable.
Halloween is a great opportunity for teens to have fun and socialize, but it also comes with its share of risks. By setting clear expectations, ensuring they stay in groups, and discussing safety practices, you can help your teen have a spooky yet safe Halloween. Open communication, mutual trust, and preparation go a long way in ensuring that both parents and teens can enjoy the holiday without unnecessary worry.
Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

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Engaging With Teens Who Hold Opposing Viewpoints | Ep. 164

Engaging With Teens Who Hold Opposing Viewpoints | Ep. 164

by | Oct 15, 2024 | Personal Development, Podcast, Support Groups

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Navigating Differences: How to Connect with Teens Who Hold Opposing Views

One of the trickiest aspects of mentoring and supporting teens is handling conversations when they express opinions that clash with your own.

Whether it’s on hot-button topics like politics, religion, or substance use, it can be challenging to remain calm and constructive. But remember, these moments are opportunities to foster growth and build stronger connections.

Key Question

How do I interact with teens who believe differently than me?

Topics Where Teens Might Disagree:
  • Politics: Different views on leadership, policies, or social justice.
  • Religion: Varying beliefs or spiritual practices.
  • Weed/Substance Use: Attitudes towards recreational substances, legalization, or personal experience.
Key Things to Keep in Mind:
  • Practice Active Listening
    Listen without judgment and ask thoughtful questions. Sometimes teens may just want a reaction, so it’s important to pause and breathe before you respond. Really tune in to what they’re saying—it’s not about agreeing, it’s about hearing them out.
  • Show Respect and Empathy
    You don’t have to agree with them to acknowledge their perspective. Phrases like “I can see how you would feel that way” can go a long way in showing that you value their viewpoint. Finding common ground where you can can help bridge the gap.
  • Show Up Consistently
    Let teens know that your relationship doesn’t hinge on agreeing on every issue. Being a reliable and steady presence is more valuable than “winning” a debate.

Perspective Shift

We’re not raising teens to mirror us!

Teens are developing their own ideas and worldviews. Encourage them to ask questions, do their own research, and think critically—even if that means they come to different conclusions than you.

You’re modeling healthy dialogue!

When you engage respectfully in tough conversations, you’re showing them how to have these discussions in the future. This is an incredible life skill, so remember—you’re making a difference even when it feels tough.

Focus on Understanding, Not Winning

The goal isn’t to change their mind or “win” the argument. It’s to maintain the relationship, build trust, and demonstrate what respectful dialogue looks like.

TL Tips & Takeaways:

Share, Don’t Preach:

If the moment is right and they ask for your opinion, share your experience, but avoid framing your view as the ultimate truth. Teens appreciate authenticity, not lectures.

It’s Okay to Disagree:

Not every conversation needs a resolution. A respectful “agree to disagree” can keep the dialogue open for the future.

Create a Safe Space:

Make sure teens feel safe to express themselves without the fear of being rejected or criticized. Knowing they won’t be judged makes all the difference in keeping the lines of communication open.

Tune in and learn how to handle these challenging conversations with confidence and care! Let’s help teens grow into thoughtful, independent adults while staying connected through respectful communication.

Subscribe now to get more tips and insights on mentoring teens!

Read Episode Transcript
Caleb Hatchett (00:13)
Welcome to Teen Life podcast, where we’re going to discuss questions that trusted adults like you are asking.

Today’s question is: How do I interact with teens who believe differently than me? There’s a lot of topics where teens might disagree. Politics, religion, even like weed slash substance abuse. There’s a lot of topics that there’s a lot of.

Karlie Duke (01:09)
if they should do their homework.

Caleb Hatchett (01:11)
If the yeah, yes, I think teens are just always looking for ways to get in an argument or disagree with someone. So how do you interact with people who do disagree with you? And there’s some important important things we want you to keep in mind kind of as we have this conversation, even to some tips that will kind of hope, hopefully guide this conversation. So practice active listening.

Listen without judgment and ask questions. This is important. They might just trying. They might just be trying to get a reaction from you. Okay. Like with the teens, I interact with, it’s just like adult or other student. It’s like, you’re just, do you really believe this? Like you’re just saying this to get, to draw me off sides. So just take a deep breath. Okay. Take a deep breath before responding.

Karlie Duke (01:45)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (02:01)
Like, it’s a, it’ll be okay. Like, who even knows? Yes. Yes.

Tobin Hodges (02:04)
If they’re getting their phone out, they’re absolutely trying to get a reaction from you.

Karlie Duke (02:09)
Well, let me say too, parents are a little different because you are like in charge of raising this human being. So let me say that. But like other roles, you do have an influence, but like it is not your job to police everything that they believe or to like lecture them on that. So like that’s where like you’re saying, Caleb, like active listening is key.

Caleb Hatchett (02:19)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (02:38)
Ask questions, keep them talking, but it’s not necessarily your job to like sit there and be like, actually, here’s where you’re wrong. Blah, blah, blah. Let me get out my PowerPoint presentation on why this opinion is better. so start with listening.

Caleb Hatchett (02:47)
Yeah.

Yeah, and I think like especially when dealing with teens like questions go such so so much further than trying to prove your own point because

Karlie Duke (03:02)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (03:05)
A, they’re probably not listening. Like I know like even still as an adult, like a lot of times if I’m in a, if I’m in a conflict with someone, I’m not listening. I’m just trying to think of what I’m saying next. Right. And so like, if you can push back on like, Hey, why, why did you say that? Or like, why, like, where did you get that from? Why do you believe that? like having to getting them to think out their own answer to what they believe. I promise we’ll go further than you being like, here’s why you’re wrong.

Karlie Duke (03:16)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (03:17)
That’s a point.

Karlie Duke (03:34)
Well, you just said something important to Caleb, which is like they’re probably thinking of what they’re going to say. But so how many times when I’m talking to a teenager and they’re talking to me, am I not actually listening because I’m trying to think of how I can get them to see my side, what I’m going to say, all of that stuff. like knowing that too about yourself, if you’re in discussions, especially maybe about topics that could be a little more controversial.

Caleb Hatchett (03:50)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (04:02)
like knowing like, hey, I need to set that aside for a second and like listen and be locked in on them and I can think about what I’m going to say after that.

Caleb Hatchett (04:04)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (04:13)
Yeah, and I think it needs to be said that especially if you’re an adult talking to a teen.

There’s a very, very, very, very small chance you’re going to convince them to join your side and that you’re right when they’re a teenager. And I mean, it could be anything. We could be talking about like, you know, I think Reese’s peanut butter cups are the greatest candy ever. And they think Snickers and like, you’re not going to, you’re not going to convince them like with facts and thought out questions and stuff. The way, so the thing about the stuff and I, and I think with religion, especially like this is where I see this is that if your goal is to, for them to see the same way that you do and you’re showing them that by aggressive questioning and you know, calling out their beliefs and their thoughts, all you’re doing is pushing the goal further, further back.

in my opinion, because what you need to be happening is that you’re showing that you respect what they’re saying and you’re showing them empathy, even if you are disagreeing with them. Because what’s going to happen is down the road, if me and Caleb are arguing about our favorite chocolate snacks, he he’s gonna be like, man, like

Karlie Duke (05:16)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (05:34)
that conversation with Tobin, like he really was, was really in the Reese’s, but he also didn’t, you know, jump on me about this. Maybe, maybe that’s the side I need to be on and stuff like that. It’s like, it’s just, if you’re showing them that you can, that they can have a voice and have a, you know, an opinion, but also be different from them. think that that in the long run goes a lot further than you trying to win a debate or win an argument with them, especially online, online, especially.

Karlie Duke (05:58)
Mm

Yes.

Caleb Hatchett (06:02)
Yeah. So like practice active listening and then kind of even what you just said to him, like show respect and empathy. And I think like those two kind of go together. I think people know you’re not listening to them. And like, I, even if you hear them out and be like, man, I hear you and I hear that side, it goes such a long way into, into a kind of helping deescalate an intense conversation because it’s less like yelling at each other and more like let’s just have a conversation because I hear what you’re saying and then here’s what I’m saying like I think it just kind of changes the environment of the conversation and yeah like I don’t think you’re gonna win anyone over by no matter how great your facts are by yelling or just stating the facts like it’s it’s a conversation and there’s two sides and show the other side the respect and empathy the empathy that you know they deserve as a human

Karlie Duke (06:39)
Hmm.

Well, I think too, when you are having a discussion where maybe you disagree about something, whether it’s big or small, serious or not, so often you’re actually more in line than you probably think. And so like trying to find the common ground, that doesn’t mean that you have to agree. I think it’s easy to say like, hey, I can see how you would feel that way. My husband loves to have these big existential conversations where I’m like this.

Just makes me sometimes want to beat my head against the wall. But so often we are very different and we will like not argue, but come at it and be like, no, we disagree, we disagree. And then when we like actually sit down and be like, okay, but what do you actually think about that and explaining it and not taking such a hard stance? We’ll actually realize like, no, we’re actually very close in that just the way we were communicating it is very different or how we would do it is different, but we want the same outcome.

And so sometimes like trying to, that’s where those questions come in mind. That’s where actually listening and active listening where you’re like repeating back here’s what I’m hearing you say. Is that correct? Like making sure you’re clarifying that you might actually find some common ground. But I think most importantly, if you’re an adult with a teenager in life, make sure you show up consistently and let them know your relationship is more important than agreeing on every issue.

Caleb Hatchett (07:59)
Mm -mm.

Karlie Duke (08:17)
or even being on the same page or maybe even understanding. Like maybe you’re like, I just really don’t understand this, but I still care about you. I’m still going to teach you and treat you fairly, all of that kind of stuff. But I do think, y ‘all mentioned social media. And so before we kind of go further, especially right now, and especially at the cultural turning point, whatever that we are at.

Tobin Hodges (08:19)
Mm

Karlie Duke (08:47)
in our country, like, please be careful. I’ll link it. We did an episode two on this on maybe how to post appropriately on social media. Didn’t we? Like last year maybe. But know that you, if you’re an adult, there are students who follow you and who can see your stuff and just be aware of that as you’re posting things.

Caleb Hatchett (08:59)
think so.

Karlie Duke (09:13)
anything that you say online and if they question you about it in person, you’re like, man, I don’t want to have that conversation in person. Then maybe that’s also not something that we should be starting online or posting opinions about online. If you wouldn’t be willing to say it to the students in your life or people in your life in person.

Super fun. But I do want to, as kind of a shift, something to think about. Because sometimes I think, we think, why can’t this teenager just agree with me? Why can’t they just do what I say? However, we do not want to raise teenagers who just agree with everything we say. We don’t, that’s not the kind of adults that you want. We want them to ask questions. We want them to do research. We want them to form their own opinions. So this is…

very much a developmental thing that is healthy. It is normal. They should be questioning things. They should be pushing back on you. I saw something one time that was a good perspective too that like say, maybe I’ve mentioned this on the podcast, but I’m going to say it again anyways. If you are on a roller coaster and they put down the big seatbelt strap, what is the first thing you do probably? You check it.

Caleb Hatchett (10:31)
Yeah. Yep.

Karlie Duke (10:31)
Yeah, you push back on it. And sometimes I think the same is true for teenagers. If they are in a healthy place and somewhere where they feel like they can have opinions, the first thing they’re going to do sometimes is check that. They’re going to check that relationship. They’re going to check that belief system. And you might have a teenager that you’re like, we’ve been loving spaghetti at our house for forever. And now suddenly you have all these opinions about how you can’t have gluten. Like what is happening or I had friends in high school who decided they were going to go vegan and like were very hardcore about it out of nowhere. And some of that is like, they’re trying to find their place or trying to find their identity and they’re trying to check like, are we still going to be good if I have a different opinion? And so kind of a perspective change of that is something that is good and healthy, but we need to make sure that we’re helping them do that in an appropriate way at the same time.

Caleb Hatchett (11:27)
Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (11:30)
think especially whenever you get into like stuff that’s driven, like that they’re seeing on like social media and stuff like that, like you kind of have to remind yourself, and this is true for adults too, but like we, everything that we see is curated in not the full scope of what we’re doing ever. And that’s including like,

Caleb Hatchett (11:31)
I also think…

Tobin Hodges (11:54)
what we’re we’re digesting through social media through internet, whatever it may be. Like it’s not a, you know, it wasn’t an arguments thing, but my son had an example this a few weeks ago of, I let him get a Twitter account because he likes to follow like the, you know, NBA and stuff like that. And I said, as long as you’re not posting anything, I don’t care. You know, I’m going to be checking who you’re following that kind of thing. And he sent me a Twitter link the other day of just a fear mongering, like,

Karlie Duke (12:13)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (12:23)
we’re about to go to World War III thing. it was like, and like, even if that’s true, like he was scared about it. He said to me, the middle of the school day. And it’s like, that’s the kind of stuff that we have to remind ourselves is that what they are getting on their devices may not be the full true scope of what’s actually happening. And that in a scene goes for adults too, of like,

Karlie Duke (12:41)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (12:45)
Hey, before we’re before we’re going to like dig our heels in and in and argue things like one, you need to probably make sure you’re having the full scope of what is going on and to like remind yourself they might not have that. And also you may not be able to tell them that right now. You may have to come in a later date whenever they’re at a, at a non

Karlie Duke (13:04)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (13:06)
confrontational place as well. And so just remind yourself that. I think I see that a lot with drug conversations, like with weed and substances and stuff like that about

You know, there is some truth to like our generation, you know, the generations before us were a little bit more hesitant and it was a lot scarier. And now it seems like what technology and science things are shifting. so the generations below me are thinking very differently on substances than we did, which is kind of funny because like, it’s not funny, but the substances that they, they are more okay with are the stuff that the generations before us were not okay with and the substance that they are not okay.

with the ones that we abused for years, know, with alcohol and drug and cigarettes and stuff like that. And so it’s just everything has.

Karlie Duke (13:52)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (13:55)
their side. It’s just a matter of like, we don’t want what you don’t want most importantly, is to ever shut off a connection with a teenager that might need it later on. And like that, then that means that you may just not have to agree. And you may have to like, let something something’s go. Because eventually that team’s probably going to need you for something and you can’t have a block of well, I can’t talk to that person because he he stood his ground on this thing and I don’t feel comfortable with him or her and that kind of thing. So

Karlie Duke (14:04)
Yeah, totally.

Mm

Caleb Hatchett (14:22)
Yeah. And I mean, it’s probably even less just like, I can’t go to them because they believe that. But it’s like, man, I can’t, I can’t go to this guy because of, how he handled that situation of how I felt attacked. And, you know, students never going to go to somebody who feels like they have to be on the defense around.

Karlie Duke (14:34)
Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (14:42)
for sure.

Caleb Hatchett (14:42)
And so like in your conversations, like, and that goes back to like showing up consistently, like, right. Of like making sure that they know, like you are always going to be there. But then like also putting that into perspective of if you’re in those conversations, like, like, which ma what matters more, what matters more my relationship with this student and being able to be there and make sure that they know that I’m always going to be there or halfway winning an argument.

Karlie Duke (15:00)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:10)
And I think too, along with our perspective ship, it’s perspective shift is to focus on understanding and not winning. and this was such like, I, I remember being a teenager and like half the time, like I’m in an argument. I don’t even know what I’m saying is what I believe, but I want to win. Like I, and I’m going to say anything to win that conversation or win that argument. And so.

Karlie Duke (15:31)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:39)
like remember the goal ultimately is to maintain the relationship and not to win. And so I find myself falling into that trap even as an adult is like evaluating myself of being like, what, what am I even like separate myself from this for a second and be like, what am I even saying? Like, is this a hill that I’m willing to die on? And then I think like, it goes back to like having just a conversation.

Even like with what Tobin said about like, yes, the nougatie crunch of a Snickers is great. That doesn’t, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I could, that the peanut butter cup is a great candy too. You know, like I think there’s a lot of times you can both be arguing and both be right in your own way. And if you’re arguing, instead of having a conversation, you’re never going to realize that. And so just remember ultimately bottom line is the goal is to maintain the relationship is not to win the argument.

Karlie Duke (16:15)
hahahaha

Tobin Hodges (16:32)
So one thing that we see a lot in teen life groups is…

As a facilitator we get asked questions about like well don’t you do this or don’t you believe in this kind of thing in one one way to kind of diffuse, I don’t know if diffuse is the right word, but just to respectfully handle that because like I don’t ever want teens or adults to feel like they can’t be who they are and be true to themselves But there’s a way to do that without being combative and like so if I ever get asked about you know my religious preference or things that we shouldn’t initially be talking about in group

Karlie Duke (16:54)
Mm

Caleb Hatchett (16:54)
Yeah. Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (17:05)
I’ll preface it by saying, look, this is how I am, or this is how I was raised, or this is what I believe. But I also want to respect everybody around and what they’re feeling and going through, what they believe. And if we want to have a deeper conversation about that, we can talk outside of group, you know, and that can, that can be applied in any setting really is like, Hey, this is what I believe. And I’m not saying I’m right. You’re right. I’m wrong. You’re wrong. That kind of thing. But this is where I’m coming from. And that kind of gives you

Karlie Duke (17:31)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (17:35)
an instance of one- it lets you still stay true to what you believe and what you think, but it also gives them a chance to know that like, you may be on this side, but you’re not necessarily against them. that kind of works in their favor.

Caleb Hatchett (17:49)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (17:50)
Yeah. When I think with that, it’s okay to say like, Hey, let’s just agree to disagree in a respectful way. So like, if you are having a conversation with a student at some point, there might reach a point if neither one of you are going to change your opinions where it’s not healthy anymore, it’s not a good discussion and you’ve both just dug your heels in. It’s okay to be like, Hey, I don’t think this conversation is going anywhere anymore. Let’s just agree to disagree and when you do that you’re modeling for them. We can have really difficult conversations and we can disagree and we can walk away and still be friends or we can walk away and still respect each other and I’m still gonna show up for your class. I’m still gonna show up as a leader and still respect you and have a good relationship with you and that is really powerful that you get to show them that. So I think sometimes instead of like you are saying getting so caught up in lecturing or proving your point or trying to win, being like, hey, like we’re going to be done with this conversation right now. If you want to, let’s come back to it in a few days if you feel strongly about it, but not just always getting to the point where you both agree or even if they might never say, I can see your point, but be the adult and be a bigger person and you can kind of find some common ground with them. our kind of final tip or takeaway

Tobin Hodges (19:09)
Yeah, that’s good.

Karlie Duke (19:13)
is creating a safe space. So making sure that teens do feel like they can express themselves without fear, rejection, criticism, all of that. And sometimes what that might mean too, especially in a school or group setting where you have multiple students around, is if a student starts bringing something up that’s controversial, you might need to stop them and be like, hey, that’s not a conversation that we’re going to have right now. Can I talk to you after?

Tobin Hodges (19:39)
Mm

Karlie Duke (19:42)
Can I take you to coffee? Can we go get a Sonic drink? Can you show up to class a few minutes early and I’ll bring you lunch or something like that where you’re not taking the whole group down this rabbit hole that doesn’t need to happen or a whole classroom that we don’t need to get into this discussion because we have other things to do, but then creating a safe space in another way where they can share that and not feel rejected.

Caleb Hatchett (20:07)
Yeah, and making them feel heard.

Tobin Hodges (20:08)
Yeah, avoiding – avoiding mob mentality too, on both sides. of you don’t need some, you don’t need a bunch of people to join your side and then attack somebody and vice versa. You don’t need to be attacked by a bunch of teenagers at the same time. Like that’s not fun for anybody. so yeah, like that’s, yeah, avoiding them, like avoiding the group discussions for intense things, because like, we also don’t know what kind of trigger some of this stuff is for people. Like it can be whatever, like any, any conversation could be triggering for people that are going through specific hurts and stuff from these kinds of discussions. So, yeah.

Karlie Duke (20:20)
Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (20:20)
Ha ha ha!

Karlie Duke (20:30)
Mm

Yeah. All right. Well, we’re also next time going to do an episode that kind of talks about where do teens get their information. So we kind of previewed that a little bit because they go hand in hand, but we’ll talk more about like, where are they getting their information and how can we help them find accurate information about things that they care about? So subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcast so that you don’t miss that episode and a future ones. And then please send us your questions.

You can reach out on social media. can email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo to submit any questions that you want us to discuss and we’ll see you next time.

Links & Resources:

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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Signs of School Anxiety & How to Help | Ep. 163

Signs of School Anxiety & How to Help | Ep. 163

by | Oct 8, 2024 | Anxiety, Mental Health, Podcast, School

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

School Anxiety: What It Looks Like and How to Help Teens Overcome It

Join us for a deeper look at the complex world of school anxiety and explore what it looks like in teens. Many caring adults may see changes in behavior but struggle to understand the root cause. Today, we’re breaking down common signs of anxiety at school, practical ways to support teens, and how to shift your perspective so you can help them navigate these tough moments with confidence.

Key Question

What Does Anxiety Look Like at School?

What to Look Out For

You might notice your teen avoiding school or withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed.

These behaviors can be signals of school anxiety:

  • Not wanting to go to school – Consistent resistance to attending school or frequent complaints without a clear reason.
  • Isolation – Your teen may prefer to be alone rather than interacting with friends or participating in activities.
  • Complaining about physical symptoms – Stomach aches, headaches, or other vague symptoms that happen regularly before school.
  • Not bringing back schoolwork – Missing assignments or unfinished projects can sometimes be a sign of emotional overwhelm, not just laziness.
  • Closed-off body language – Watch for hunched shoulders, crossed arms, or avoiding eye contact.

A Note for Adults: Role Modeling a Healthy Approach to Anxiety

Teens often look to the adults in their lives to understand how to handle emotions. If you’re feeling anxious, it can be helpful to verbalize your thought process. For example, you might say: “I’m having a tough day. I’m going to take a 5-minute break to regroup and then we can continue!”

This shows teens that it’s okay to feel anxious, but also that there are ways to cope and move forward.

Perspective Shift

Expect Difficult Things

Anxiety is a normal part of life, and we can expect teens to do hard things. Instead of stepping in to rescue them, believe in their ability to face challenges and grow. When we constantly step in, it unintentionally sends the message that we don’t believe they can handle it.

  • Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their anxiety without promising that everything will be easy or fun.
  • Encourage resilience: It’s okay to push them to keep going, even when it feels hard. Coddling can send the wrong message.

TL Tips & Takeaways:

Point Out the Good:

Highlight the brave things you see them doing, even if they seem small.

Ask for Positives:

Encourage them to list two good things in their life right now to shift focus from anxious thoughts.

Resources for Parents:

If you have a teen who doesn’t want to go to school, keep scrolling down for a related episode that dives deeper into school refusal and what you can do about it.

Stay tuned for more episodes where we tackle the tough topics that help you support and mentor the teens in your life.

Remember, you are a powerful influence in a teen’s life!

Read Episode Transcript

Tobin Hodges (00:00)
What does anxiety look like at school? if you are like me and you are in education or have a, students in education, I have a high schooler. I see this from all sides of the coin. It seems like, on a daily basis. So today we’re going to answer that question. What does it look like at school? What does it look like for students? What does it look like for staff members? What does it look like for you as a parent?

We’re gonna kind of try to cover all bases and just as a reminder these are this is like our new podcast format We are gonna answer questions and if you have any please please please send us some because we would love to answer questions from our listeners To help you with the things that you need help with because that’s what we are here for so today. Let’s start off with this What do you guys from your- from y’all’s- perspective as former students as Karlie you have kids that you have two kids that have started school now and you work with school staff and Caleb you work with school staff as well. What do you all see? What does it look like for you whenever you see anxiety in school?

Karlie Duke (00:59)
Well, do have, I mean, he’s little, so he’s not a teenager. But last year we dealt with some of this with my son. mean, he loved school, but if there was a sub, he would panic. Like he would fixate on it before we left for school. He would talk about it like…

She’s not going to be there. She’s not going to be there. Well, who is going to be there? Well, what if y ‘all forget me at school? What if I’m not like he would go run through all these what ifs he would go to the nurse and like complain about like he was coughing or having trouble breathing or and like we kind of got to a point where like, is he really because the nurse was like, he seemed fine to me or was that his anxiety coming out of when he would feel anxious thoughts or feelings?

that he’d be like, I need to go to the nurse. And so that’s kind of what we’ve seen and walked through with my son. He’s doing much better this year, which is great, but it’s really hard to sit there and kind of be like, as someone who doesn’t struggle with anxiety as much, be like, come on, like suck it up, go to school. It’s not that big of a deal. You’re going to have fun. have all these friends, but like,

Caleb Hatchett (02:12)
Yeah.

Karlie Duke (02:16)
We have to sit in that moment and make them feel heard also without coddling them being like, sure, you don’t have to go to school today because there’s a sub. And so finding that balance and I know we’re going to talk about that some more too, but.

Caleb Hatchett (02:22)
Yeah. Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (02:22)
Yeah.

Interesting- yeah that’s like usually kids are like sweet sub I get to watch a video or do easy worksheets but yeah that’s that’s interesting okay what about you

Caleb Hatchett (02:28)
I think.

Karlie Duke (02:35)
Yeah, the routine was tough.

Caleb Hatchett (02:36)
I think for me it’s like, especially since the school year started up and I’ve interacted with my students in the youth group and stuff like that, just like, hey, how’s school going? It’s interesting to me because like, I know I was a little weird. I always enjoyed going back to school a little bit, you know, like after summer, things like that. I’m like, man, I miss my friends. I even miss it. Like a few teachers, like just like structure and being able to like…

do things and like know I know what to expect and now it’s just kids don’t like school and it’s just kind of like it tends to be the answer I get like how school okay and I think like too what I’ve realized is like a

Karlie Duke (03:04)
Mm -hmm.

Yeah

Caleb Hatchett (03:20)
School is an anxious place Like it just is I mean like students you’re getting graded on things like you’re getting literal feedback- a numerical grade- on how well you’re doing or not like that’s stressful that can cause anxiety I mean the whole like social situation Everything like it’s just like it’s an anxious place and so like having grace and I don’t know like it’s probably not even a thing where like every student experiences anxiety going to school every single day, but I would

Almost promise you every student has felt anxiety going to school whether it’s about a test whether it’s about a substitute teacher. Asking a girl out During you know lunch period like i’m sure like every this is someone like Everybody’s experiencing anxiety at school just because it’s an anxious place of just of a lot of of things to be anxious about so

Tobin Hodges (04:13)
Yeah. I think whenever I was in school, like I definitely had anxiety and had anxious moments or areas of my life, but like school actually felt like it wasn’t anxious for me.

Caleb Hatchett (04:25)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (04:27)
I don’t, and then like looking back, I think it’s more of, that was like kind of like you. liked being around my friends. I liked doing what I was doing. I was definitely on the shyer side when I was younger, but when I got to high school, that kind of went all went away. But, my anxiety was always more around getting the stuff done that I needed to get done because I had.

Caleb Hatchett (04:31)
Yeah.

Mm

Tobin Hodges (04:44)
band and I was in basketball and I had a job and I had a single mom, so I was having to take care of siblings as well. so my anxiety was more about the amount of work that was due. so a lot of that was where I struggled the most. so some things that if you’re listening, especially as a parent, the things you might notice is the kid might not want to go to school. Kind of like what Karlie was saying about her son. If they’re isolated, if…

I think my oldest is kind of like this in some ways, like he’s one of those people that has like three friends and he’s probably fine with that and that’s okay. Like there’s nothing wrong with that. But for a while, it felt like he was isolating himself. Like I was just like, why are you always by yourself or why are you eating by yourself? That kind of stuff. And so it might be isolation in school. if your student is talking about.

Karlie Duke (05:23)
Yeah.

Tobin Hodges (05:35)
Like are never talking about people that they’re hanging out with that might be something to kind of like probe a little bit and just kind of kind of fill out. Because again, sometimes it can be OK. Like that’s my kids case. If they’re complaining about being sick a lot, that’s a pretty it’s a pretty clear cut sign. I think that’s a pretty obvious sign for most people. And like I said, in my case, not bringing back projects or homework, sometimes the anxiety of just not turning things in because you don’t want to get a bad grade. Like even though like

Karlie Duke (06:03)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (06:04)
As an adult, look at that and you’re like, hey, as long as you turn it in, you’re at least going to get something. But as a kid, you think I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to turn that in because I don’t want to know how bad I did it. I don’t or, you know, lots of things could go into that, but.

And then, know, in like this body language, sometimes it’s hormones. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it can be more than that. And so just kind of being in tune with your student to know what’s going on with that kind of stuff. The other thing too, that I see a lot in my son is, and this is something that you kind of have to kind of toe the line as a parent is my son does not want to have conversations with teachers like ever. Like if it’s a confrontation or if it’s a need to go ask a question, he will always revert to emailing them, which I know some of that is the generation in the society that we’re in, like I’m as a parent, I’m trying to also instill like, it’s okay to have a face -to -face conversation in these situations because sometimes those things go better face -to -face than they do. Like if you’re, especially if you’re talking about, Hey, I need to make up work or I’m struggling. It’s not going to come across as well in an email as it will face-to-face. so like that causes my son anxiety. Like he won’t go talk to teachers. Like, like, unless I’m basically shoving him there. And so.

Karlie Duke (07:11)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (07:19)
I don’t know if anybody else has seen that in their students before, that’s something that I know causes my son anxiety a lot, for sure.

Karlie Duke (07:25)
Interesting. Now, last week we talked about vicarious trauma. And one of the things we talked about was kind of setting boundaries or verbalizing if you need boundaries or a break. So especially for adults and our school people, if you are having any anxious thoughts throughout the day or throughout the year, that is also an opportunity for you to verbalize your thought process so that students can see that model.

Tobin Hodges (07:44)
Mm

Karlie Duke (07:53)
I think it’s important that we also model healthily how to take care of ourselves. So if you’re like, Hey, I’m having a really, and you don’t have to go into details, but even just something like, Hey, I’m having a really tough day. So I’m going to sit at my desk for five minutes. I want y ‘all to work on something and then we’ll get back into it. Like kind of talking them through what that looks like so that they can do that too. But I think something that.

we’re going to try to do in all of our episodes is kind of give a perspective shift of something to think about differently. And the first thing is it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay for our students to feel anxious, but we can still expect them to do hard things. And so I think sometimes unintentionally, if our students are worried about something or having anxious thoughts and you, I’m going to use the word coddled, but that might be too strong of a word.

but you help them in ways what you’re actually telling them or you’re like stepping in to rescue them, what you’re unintentionally telling them is that you don’t think they can do it on their own. Like where you’re trying to help them in the back of their mind, they’re like, man, mom doesn’t think that I can do this or this teacher doesn’t think that I can do this project and so she’s giving me different things than everyone else.

Like it’s okay to acknowledge and if you, if they need help, but be like, Hey, but I still expect you to do this. know this is going to be difficult, but you still have to show up to school. You still have to do your work. You still have to come to practice all of those things. And so I think that’s really important too of don’t just let them check out and be like, well, you don’t have to do this today. That’s not how that works.

Tobin Hodges (09:33)
Yeah. And from the school’s perspective too, if in listen, like I’ve struggled with this as a parent, but if you are trying to fix everything and if you are always trying to have the conversation instead of your student, especially as they get older, that’s going to create a weird student teacher relationship too of either the teacher will not trust to talk to the student and they will go directly to you. that creates a weird middleman or it’s going to make them think that they aren’t quite ready for the maturity level that’s maybe some things require in high school, like whether that be athletics, extracurriculars, whatever it may be. mean, like at some point, you know, you kind of have to let the students take care of their.

their stuff, even if they are anxious for that reason. Again, we’re we’re talking about teenagers, mainly, and especially probably older teenagers, especially. But at some point, you kind of have to let let them process through that in their own way, including taking care of it as well.

Karlie Duke (10:34)
Well, I have an example. When I was in high school, we, unfortunately, we took advantage of one of our teachers because she would be like, you poor things. But we would talk about how much homework we were getting on Wednesday nights. And we’re like, we’ve got church, we’ve got practice, it’s late. And she was like, that is unacceptable. No homework on Wednesday nights in my class. And I’m going to go to all your other teachers. And then that class became a like.

It was a geography class. This is no surprise if you know me because I’m awful with geography. I don’t know where anything is because like, for example, when we studied Africa, we watched the Lion King. Like that’s just kind of what we did in her class because she was worried that we had too much on our plate. But then what that also meant is like she didn’t think we could do that. She didn’t push us. I did not leave that class better than how I came into her class.

Caleb Hatchett (11:17)
Nice.

Karlie Duke (11:30)
because she was so worried about everything that we had on our plate that she was gonna take all of that away. Now, that is obviously an extreme example and our wonderful teachers are probably not doing that. But that’s where in her mind she was trying to be helpful. She wanted to help. But at some point, if you take everything away or if you make it where none of it’s difficult, they’re not going to leave better. They’re not gonna leave more prepared.

for you, but at the same time, it’s okay to sit there and validate their feelings of, Hey, I know this is hard. You don’t have to look at them and be, this is easy. It’s going to be fine when that’s just not the truth or they’re sitting there going, I’m really struggling. It’s okay to be like, Hey, I know what I assigned today is difficult. Or I know that what you’re going through with your friends today is not fun or easy, but let’s think through how, what are some steps that we can take to make this? What do you need from me to make this happen? But

put that on them and make them answer that instead of you just being like, here’s how I’m gonna help you today or here’s what you should do.

Tobin Hodges (12:32)
So coming from the school staff talking about perspective shifts, if you are a school staff listening in, it’s very easy to immediately write off a student or a teen for being quote unquote lazy or whatever in these situations. And listen, I’m very, very guilty of that as well when I was a teacher and still to this day sometimes as well. if you’re seeing these signs too,

There are things you can do as a teacher to maybe help with that. One thing I know that I did as a teacher is that whenever I had something heavy in the class, either a quiz or some sort of hard assignment, I would, I would have the room be calm when they came in, whether it’s with music, you know, maybe the lights dimmed a little bit. and then I would also preface, okay, today here’s, what’s going to be in front of you. I would lay out the plan in front of them because that helps- really it helps everybody, but it especially helps those, those anxious filled.

Karlie Duke (13:24)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (13:30)
teens and just kind of knowing again teachers are doing this like some of you are probably saying yeah, dummy I do this already, but just kind of being aware of all those things of if you are coming in hot-

it’s going to set them up for a problem, an anxious problem as well. Sometimes that perspective of if a kid is always going to the bathroom in your class or always going to the nurse getting sick or always late on homework, you know, we talk a lot about, you know, at Teen Life about how what they’re bringing to school with them, that might be a time to check in.

And just be like, Hey, you tell me how are you today? I don’t care about work. I don’t care about what’s going on in class. What are you? How are you? Like, where, are you at one to five? And then just kind of checking out. if they, and if they, you know, tell you three, four, five, whatever, and you just kind of move on, or you, or you kind of make a mental note, Hey, they’re not ready yet, or they’re not telling me the truth, or maybe they really are fine. And I need to get over and move past it that kind of thing. And so, just as a school staff, just kind of keep in mind that…

Karlie Duke (14:31)
Mm -hmm.

Tobin Hodges (14:37)
Just as we as adults deal with this stuff on a daily basis, they’re dealing with it tenfold sometimes. And we don’t know the whole story behind it, what they’re going through either. So some tips and takeaways, just some easy things that we can do that we can start today if we wanted to. No matter if you’re a parent, a minister, student, whatever it may be.

Karlie Duke (14:47)
That’s good.

Tobin Hodges (14:58)
point out the things that they are doing well and the things where they are showing bravery through anxiety. if, if you know, I’ll use my son as an example, if I know that my son struggles with those, those interactions, and if I, if I know that he has taken it, taken initiative and done that with his teacher, I immediately point out, Hey, great job on that. Thank you for doing that, that kind of thing. And it just kind of solidifies like not one that’s the kind of behavior that we-

Karlie Duke (15:01)
Mm

Tobin Hodges (15:28)
that I need him to do as a parent, but two, it also solidifies that I’m recognizing that was a hard thing for him to do and it’s okay. And I’m glad that he did it. Yeah.

Karlie Duke (15:34)
Mm -hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:38)
And I think too, even like you said, as a teacher and  if I’m assigning a hard test or something that will probably cause these kids anxiety, you know, cause Hey, it’s the, it’s the final exam. And there’s a few kids who will fail this class, you know, maybe let’s make this an environment where even they’re stepping into a calm, think even as a parent, right? Knowing some of these things, knowing some of these anxiety triggers for your kids. And then

Karlie Duke (15:52)
you

Caleb Hatchett (16:05)
being conscious about how even for me, I think back to my dad would take me to get Chick-fil-A breakfast. I could slam a chicken biscuit. And so, that was something I looked forward to and he did it on game days. And that for me, I was always a little anxious on game days. Like it was school. Yes. But also the, you know, going through getting ready for the game and the game itself, we will just, was a, was a trigger for anxiety for me. And I don’t even think he was conscious about it.

But even just something to look forward to and it wasn’t even necessarily- let’s talk about your anxiety today- But it was just something that gave me something to look forward to that kind of helped

ease that day. And so, you know, if you know that there’s a big test coming up or a trigger for anxiety, even just creating a space or something that they can look forward to that day. I also think having conversations with your student on their time, because I look back, you know, in my time as a student, even talking to some parents I have a conversation coming right out of school, hey, how is school, let’s really dissect this day. And if school is an anxious place for them, they’re probably not want to have that conversation

Karlie Duke (16:48)
Hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (17:15)
just leaving that place that caused them anxiety. They’re probably still in fight or flight, still trying to process. And so just creating the right times to have those conversations. I know a parent who brings their dog with them whenever they pick the kids up from school. And that just helps even the conversations in the pickup line immediately, because it’s something that they feel comfortable with and reminds them of home and they feel safe around. And so I think there’s just little ways to create spaces

Karlie Duke (17:21)
Hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (17:44)
that your students feel calm even in, that you can control as a parent. Having those conversations on the time, try most of the time on their end, that works with them after they’ve processed instead of just the fight or flight of leaving school.

Karlie Duke (18:00)
I think too, especially if you’re on a school campus and you’re seeing this at school. One thing, Tobin kind of mentioned this at the beginning, believing the best about your students of if they’re not turning something in or if something went wrong. There are one-offs and there are bad days, but trying to think through there might be a reason for that. Can I start asking questions that are going to get to the bottom of that without being

invasive, but if you have a student who just regularly cannot get assignments turned in on time of, Hey, how’s life at home going right now? Or, Hey, how many, what are your responsibilities? Do you have a job? Are you doing sports? Are you in band? Do you have siblings that you have to pick up and take places after school? Like what is going on in figuring out how you can help them? Or are you worried about this? And is there something I can give you to help you prep ahead of time that’s going to let you know without giving them the answers, but hey,

they’re going to be, I had teachers do this before, which was really helpful before a test. There are going to be three questions that you have to write answers for and they’re gonna be 50 multiple choice. They didn’t necessarily tell me what the answers were, but that way I could get my mind wrapped around of, okay, I at least know what to expect if it’s not like I’m gonna have to sit there and write for an hour. And so thinking of ways that you can help if you have anxious students and maybe if you know you have an anxious student,

And they’ve talked to you about that seeing ahead of time, like, Hey, is there anything I can do that you think would help the class? Don’t put it just on them, but what would help the class feel better about this? And they might have some good ideas that you could use as well. I’m also going to link a podcast episode, especially if you’re a parent and have a student who doesn’t want to go to school.

That kind of talks, dives more into that and how to help them outside of school with school anxiety. So we’ll link that too, if you want to check the show notes.

Tobin Hodges (19:56)
Yeah, and just one last practical thing is it gets really easy to get bogged down in the negative. Just ask them two things that are going well in their life right now. It can be simple. I mean, it could literally be two versus a thousand bad things, but what are two things that are going well? especially with teenagers and boys especially, you’ll get the nothing, nothing’s going, you know, or,

Karlie Duke (20:21)
You

Tobin Hodges (20:22)
I’m at school, so nothing, you know, it’s like, might get angst and, you know, stuff for it, but just, you know, just, I always kind of say, Hey man, what’s a good meal you had lately? You know, then that kind of opens up an easy accessible answer. And so, just those are things that you can do to kind of, cause, we’re just trying to get their brain to think.

Karlie Duke (20:33)
Hmm.

Tobin Hodges (20:43)
positively in it the very minimum get their mind off of what’s causing them anxiety in that situation especially. So those are a couple of practical things that you can do in the car today if you wanted to.

Karlie Duke (20:55)
All right, well, that’s a wrap on this question. So subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss our upcoming questions and episodes. And then, like we said at the beginning, please, please send us your questions. We want to know what questions you have and what would be most helpful for you and the students that you are around. So you can reach out on social media or you can email them to podcast@teenlife.ngo – I’ll also link that in the show notes for you to find and we’ll see you next time.

 

Links & Resources:

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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