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How We Deal with “The Bad Kids”

How We Deal with “The Bad Kids”

by | Jan 12, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Support Groups

Becoming a father has taught me so much about myself, mainly my weaknesses. One of those weaknesses is impatience. When dealing with discipline issues with my kiddos, I tend to default towards more pragmatic methods like raising my voice, sending kids to their rooms, and not giving my kids the chance to talk or explain themselves. Typically this is done in the name of “teaching respect” but often has the opposite effect. When I get into the mode of punitive discipline, I sense my kids withdrawing from me, and often just tuning me out.

 
You see, I have smart kids. We all do. They have an intuition that goes way beyond our adult minds. While we are thinking about what needs to be done next and are always in a hurry, our kids are masters of what it means to be present in the “here and now”. Our kids don’t have to worry much about what is next (though they do ask about it some), so they are much more in tune with the feelings and actions of the adults in their lives.

When I opt solely towards punitive discipline (i.e. raising my voice, sending to room, spanking, shaming), I am making the choice to be practical without thinking about the long term implications of how I discipline. When I have an overwhelming load of responsibilities on my plate, it is much easier to resort to punishing (or over-punishing in a lot of ways) my kids for not doing what we ask them to instead of seeking more creative and sustainable ways of discipline and correction.

My wife is really good at this creative thing. My oldest son will get out of whack and instead of sending him to his room, she makes him run, do jumping jacks, and tons of push-ups until he is out of breath. You see, she understands that when he stops paying attention or gets whiny, he doesn’t need us to raise our voices. He needs us to help him re-center, re-connect, and reset. After he gets done running and jumping, we find he is much more focused and ready to listen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as I often fail as a parent, but also when I observe students who have been labeled the “bad kid”. We do a lot of support groups in placement settings where students have been sent as a means of punitive discipline. When we encounter students in drug rehab or alternative schools, the reasons they get sent there are widely varied. Some students are there for drugs or violence, but others could be there for persistent dress code violations, disrespect, rule breaking, or other minor infractions. In many schools, the “zero tolerance” rule applies and students can be suspended, “third partied”, or expelled because often the school has no other recourse. It’s the protocol for many institutions, it is pragmatic, and it deals with the discipline issues cleanly.

Yet, there are long term consequences to punitive justice. Studies show that once a student is suspended or otherwise sent off their main campus, the likelihood of ending up in prison or dropping out of school increases dramatically. Since the mid-late 90’s when “zero tolerance” discipline started to make a comeback in public schools, the rate of suspensions and expulsions spiked, especially amongst African-American and Latino students. The numbers are staggering. If you want to know more about this, check out this research article about the long-term effects of punitive justice.

This isn’t a criticism of our administrators or teachers, but more an indictment of pragmatism. Often the most efficient and practical way of dealing with “the bad kids” is the way of convenience, not the way of correction. The long-term implications of how we discipline have an impact on graduation, imprisonment, restoration, and society as a whole.

In my next blog, I want to talk a little about some alternatives to punitive discipline in schools (and anywhere else students gather like church, after school, sports) and how there are real and effective ways to both correct and restore relationships without resorting to punitive measures.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.

You Are What You Eat

You Are What You Eat

by | Dec 22, 2016 | Personal Development, Technology

It’s that time of year. For a majority of my adult life, late December brings on loads of ambition. This will be the year. I’m gonna lose weight, get in better shape, read some more books, and in general – dominate life. We all feel it, right?

Gym membership deals are flooding our mailbox while visions of what could be possible flood our imaginations. Maybe this is the year we will get out of debt. What if I actually got my act together on all of the things I have neglected to this point?

We all love the opportunity to start over. This is the great part of living in a free society – we get to choose our direction. If we want to be successful, generally with the right tools and support, we can do so. If we want to be a drain on society, there is an option to do that as well!

This is the time of year where making good choices seems not only possible, but likely. We are filled with a sense of hope and optimism that next year could be better than the last.

But it all starts somewhere, and it does begin with a choice. The older I get, I’m realizing it is all about consumption. We are consumers, and live as such. As consumers, we consume. There is no way around consumption – it is part of being human.

Let me give you an example. Back in my younger days, I would listen to political talk radio when I would drive. I would drive a lot as a part of my job, so I would spend hours listening to radio hosts talk passionately (and angrily) about their political viewpoint. For me, the angrier the better. At that time in my life, I thought if the person was more passionate and loud about a topic, they could be trusted.

But I started to notice a few things. First of all, these hosts would talk about people with opposing viewpoints with flippancy and disrespect. They would use insults and call people names. I remember thinking one day that I would never let my children talk about someone that way. So, why was I justified to listen?

More importantly, I realized how I felt after listening to these radio shows. I felt angry and distrustful of everyone. My worldview felt narrow and uninformed. In short, I didn’t like how I felt about myself or the world after consuming these programs.

The same could be said of watching cable news or surfing political websites. I just didn’t like how I felt after I would do those things.

So, I stopped. I can’t recall if it was cold turkey, but I don’t do that anymore. And guess what? Things changed. I started being more selective about what I listened to and watched as it pertained to political and social commentary. I started seeing a more hopeful and meaningful world ahead of me. I found out that people do not exist in worlds of black and white but of layered nuance.

Simply put, I changed what I consumed and things were better. We are what we eat, folks – whether it is food, social media, television, movies, all of it. And, I am coming to believe it starts there.

I could start running 5 times a week and not loose a pound if I don’t change what I eat. It all starts with what we consume.

So, as this time of hopefulness and motivation is upon us, let us focus on our choices and what we consume. Here are a few things to think about:

  1. How do you feel after you consume things like social media, entertainment, digital devices, food, etc?
  2. How defensive are you about these things when confronted?
  3. How hard do you think it would be to quit one of these things cold turkey?

Any strong feelings or emotions around any of these three questions lets you know there might be something to explore. Trust me, there is something to it.

Find a friend, make a plan, pray, and get to consuming something else. Our life could change for the better if we had the courage to consume better.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
Is Your Teenager Being Raised by Robots?

Is Your Teenager Being Raised by Robots?

by | Dec 1, 2016 | Mental Health, Parenting, Technology

Recently I heard an interview on the radio with a former DJ from a once influential radio station in our town. This radio station played “alternative” music over the airwaves of our city back when the grunge movement really took hold in the early 90’s. I remember listening to this station at night when the signal was strong enough to make it to our little town, and thought I was part of something really cool.

This former DJ was reflecting upon the role he played at this station. He would host a Sunday night show featuring new music and up-and-coming bands that no one had ever heard of within this alternative genre. Back then, he fancied himself as a gatekeeper of sorts – someone highly immersed in the movement and culture of the music scene whose job it was to guide the masses into new worlds of music. For him, all music wasn’t created equally – and most people who didn’t know much about music had to be led to what was good.

Being a music guy myself, I totally agree with this. For me to find a great piece of music or band who is really doing great work means hearing about it from someone I trust. Usually this means hanging out with my friends who play music or devote a lot of time listening to what is out there.

But there was a part of this interview that has stuck with me for a while now. He mentioned the special place in history a radio show like this had, especially in comparison to today. For this former DJ, he doesn’t have a lot of use anymore in that role. He cited services like Spotify, Pandora, and Apple Music as the new replacements for the DJ. In the past, music was passed down through relationships, conversations, shared experiences. I can’t tell you how many songs I relate to car rides with friends, road trips in college, or a concert experience with other obsessed fans. Music travels through history via the vehicle of relationship.

The DJ lamented how these music services use algorithms to point the listener towards similar songs or band matching the tastes of the listener. For the music fan, new music can be discovered not through relationships or shared experience, but through points, clicks, taps, and swipes.

At first listen, I thought this DJ was being a little grumpy. But the more I reflected on his comments, I started thinking about how music was passed down to me, and how much different it must be for the modern teenager. Then, I thought about the broader implications of the online world our teenagers live in.

You see, this post isn’t about music. It’s about blind spots.

I had never considered what we lose when we rely on computer algorithms to help us make decisions (even small ones like the music we listen to). When we take relationships, conversations, and connections out of our decision making, we lose a little of what it means to be human. When I think about how online music services take relationships out of music, I have to believe we are missing a lot of other things.

When teenagers grow up in an overly saturated internet world, here are some ways our teenagers can be affected/influenced:

– Relationships via cell phone or social media.

– Political philosophy

– Worldview

– Issues of policy/law

– Racial and cultural issues

– Religious views

– Information overload with no place to process

– Bullying and shaming

You know, the small stuff, right? 🙂

A teenager can find everything they want to know about these things and more without ever seeing an actual human being or having to talk through the implications of what they see. So many teenagers can have a fully formed (for a teenager) opinion on something without ever actually talking to someone about it.

This internet thing is really cool. But now that it is social, we have to mind our blind spots. As those who love teenagers, we need to ask the hard questions about where we need to start inserting relationship and conversation into what they read, watch, and hear online. These things should not be absorbed divorced from relationship.

In fact, I would say the only way our internet habits will ever become positive is if we balance it with healthy relationships and conversation so we can find ways to process what we hear, read, and see.

Let’s not let our teenagers be raised by robots.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
On Fistfights and the Angry Student

On Fistfights and the Angry Student

by | Nov 10, 2016 | Mental Health, Support Groups

Last week I had a “first” in one of my Support Groups.

About fifteen minutes into group, two young men on opposite ends of the table started talking at each other, but in quiet voices. I checked in on both of them to make sure everything was okay – and they assured me they were fine. Then before I knew it, the two young men were in an all-out brawl until the staff at our location broke up the fight.

It all happened so quickly and without warning that it took me a little while to recover from the incident. I just didn’t expect for something like that to happen – especially in a place that was supposed to be safe for students.

This has gotten me thinking a lot since then about anger – especially within adolescents. This situation had been brewing for a while, obviously – but the simple fact remains that two young men decided to take all of their anger and frustration out on each other – all because of a series of softly spoken words across the table.

When anger flashes like this, we have to assume it all exists just under the surface. It is gasoline waiting for a spark, a pressure cooker just at the limits. For so many teenagers, life has happened in such a way that lends credence to cascades of overwhelming negative emotions.

In my own life, I find I get the angriest when things seem overwhelming or out of control. Whenever I lose my sense of agency or ability to affect change, I get angry. And I am often surprised about the nature and intensity of the anger when it comes over me.

If I can feel bouts of anger as a privileged white middle-class male from a good family, imagine how difficult it must be for any teenager in a situation they feel they have no control!

The truth is – many of us do not remember what it feels like to be a teenager. I know I barely remember. Spending time around teens, I sense an anxiety and feeling of hopelessness about their future and what choices they have. While many would say this upcoming generation is more privileged and has more opportunities than ever – in reality, they have less certainty about their future.

This coupled with increasingly taxing school/family/social environments and we see situations like the story above.

So much of this immeshed, but those of us who love and serve teenagers can help untangle these emotions – even a little bit.

 

1. Anger should not be met with anger. When a student explodes or loses control of their anger, obviously make sure they are safe – then let them get it out. As an adult, you get the opportunity to model a healthy response. When anger is met with anger, we will not find de-escalation. We only find division and pain.

2. Agree upon a viable source for the anger. These outbursts are not the teenager being a jerk. These emotions come from a real place of pain and frustration. Identifying the frustration and giving it legitimacy leads to a healthier discourse about how to better handle those strong emotions.

3. Find a way to help the student apologize. Owning up to the damage we do through our anger can lead to healing.

4. Validate the human emotion of anger – then find a healthy way to deal. We all get angry. It is normal and healthy. Yet, the ways we handle anger become the thin line between trouble and success. Sometimes if we handle our anger just a little better – things would turn out differently.

 

There are many resources available online and locally to help learn new skills and strategies for dealing with anger. Often times it is just finding a safe person to express frustrations.

We would all be a lot better if we found a healthy way to deal with our anger.

What ways have you seen people deal with anger in a healthy way?

Chris Robey, Teen Lifeline’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
“Making Room” for Teenagers

“Making Room” for Teenagers

by | Oct 20, 2016 | Mental Health, Parenting

I want to show you a picture of my kayak. I’m gonna warn you, it’s pretty sad.

unnamed-21

This is where my kayak has resided for the last four years since we moved. To my memory, it hasn’t come down since I put it up there.It is very, very sad.In some ways, this kayak serves as a relic of my life before children. In short, I had time to kayak.I would have full days with nothing to do but kayak. And fish. And camp. It was a symbol of a loose schedule where anything could happen and on many days I would wind up on top of this vessel going to parts unknown.But now it sits idle in my garage, casting disapproving looks down at me as I load our kids into the minivan.

As many of you who have children know, they dominate most of your time. I never used clean house until 10 PM every night. But I do now. I never had to get up at 5:30, but my 10 month old often makes that decision for me. I used to have all of the time in the world to do what I desired and what was on my agenda, but my kids changed all of that.

I had to make a decision once we had kids that certain things were not important anymore. My wife and I created a family. Where there was no family (as far as kids go) 6 years ago, now there are three. Something had to change.

We had to make room. What was once really important for us (travel, late night dinners, sleeping in, sleep, sleep, sleep) was put aside to create room for three children in need of a warm and supportive home to grow up in. So many things are different, but it was because we made those choices. We decided to create that space.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of “making room” lately, especially when it comes to working with teenagers. Unfortunately, teenagers are asked to grow up in adult-created institutions (school, church, youth group, sports) and play by the adult’s rules. There are far too few adults who will truly “make room” for a teenager to be themselves without fear of being pushed out.

So how can parents and other helpers “make room” for their teenager?

Here are a few thoughts:

  • Encourage your student to come up with a family or group “rule”. This needs to reflect something they value, not something silly.
  • Create a “say anything” time of your day. It can be a pre-determined amount of time (chosen by the student) where the student can say what is on their mind without consequence (barring abuse to themselves or someone else). This can be done verbally or through an artistic medium like drawing, poetry, or song. This could be done with the parent or a trusted adult in their life.
  • Let the student plan some part of the week. This means they can do what they want without the adults scheduling things. This might seem like a completely unproductive time, but for the student, it could mean everything!
  • Have the student choose a movie or tv show to watch at least once a week as a family. This will give some insight into what the teenager is into at any given time.
  • Create a question box that anyone in the family can contribute. Everyone should be required to submit a question a week (or whatever you determine) and answer that question as a family.

These are just a few small ways teenagers can be given back some measure of control and understand they have a crucial role to play in the family.

We have the choice to “make room” for students.

 

Share some ideas with us – what are some ways you “make room” for the teenagers in your life?

Chris Robey, Teen Lifeline’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.