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Why Apologizing Matters for You and Your Kids

Why Apologizing Matters for You and Your Kids

by | Dec 18, 2022 | Blog, Parenting, Personal Development

I overreacted last week.

I’m sure that seasonal stress and staying up to wrap presents was a factor. I realized about halfway in that my tone was harder than it would usually be, and I softened it. But I hadn’t tempered my initial reaction in the same way and my son was embarrassed. Not so much of me, but in general.

We were walking home and I said, “Hey, I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of those kids. I didn’t mean to.”

He said, “I know.” “I love you,” I said. He said, “I know. I love you, too.” And we talked about why I was worried.

Later, I apologized to the other kid who had been there. He said, “Oh no. You were right. But thanks for apologizing.” And everyone played together at the park for a while.

As parents, it’s hard to keep a neutral tone sometimes. We’re wired to protect and defend our kids. We’re tired and often frustrated. We overreact.

Honestly, even about 2 minutes after it had happened, I could see in my head how I could have handled the situation better. But fight or flight had kicked in before I got there.

The older I get, the more fearless I’ve become in owning and repairing my mistakes. To own the areas where we could have improved and just say I’m sorry. It wasn’t something I learned as a child or a teenager. I was afraid of being wrong. Afraid of talking about it or seeming weak. It wasn’t until well into my twenties that I had the confidence to admit mistakes openly and fully own them. And I’m pretty sure I lost out on deeper connections, better self-esteem, and less shame.

I’m hoping my kids will grow up with the courage to fail and recover again and again. I wasn’t always brave enough to do it.

In my experience, there are a few key factors at play that make us brave in the face of our shortcomings.

  • Feeling loved.
    When kids and teens know that someone loves them unconditionally, they’re more willing to be wrong because their identity isn’t linked to perfection.
  • Recognizing that failure in one moment is not failure as a whole.
    This is often called a “growth mindset.” When we recognize that we can learn from our mistakes, we are better for it and we are more likely to keep trying until we succeed.
  • Realizing that the whole is too important to risk and failure to repair my mistakes would put it at risk.
    At Teen Life, we talk a lot about being shock-proof. For me, this hit home when I started my journey to become a better parent. The stakes are too high to risk that my teenagers might not come to me with big things like drugs, mental illness or pornography. Teens are facing some pretty serious obstacles on their way to healthy adulthood.

    If we overreact to smaller things along the way, how will they trust us with the things they really need help with?

    If they don’t see us recover and repair mistakes, how will they believe that they can do it too?

  • Putting people over pride.
    If we don’t learn to set aside our own pride (or shame) and sincerely apologize, we’re sacrificing relationships. But sincere vulnerability can strengthen them. It’s that simple.

Parenting is hard. It requires us to look in the mirror and own our imperfections- and give ourselves grace. Apologizing is part of that process. So our kids can learn to do the same, too.

Kelly Fann
Kelly Fann

Digital Media Manager

6 Soft Skills for Every Teen

6 Soft Skills for Every Teen

by | Aug 17, 2022 | Blog, Mental Health, Parenting, Personal Development

As the school year revs its engine, it’s easy to get caught up in the hard skills that students need to succeed academically, like STEAM and language skills. But especially after two years of quarantines and unorthodox school routines, it’s also important to hone in on soft skills that will help teens succeed socially.

 

What are soft skills?

Hard skills are measurable skills related to a specific task. Your ability to use a certain kind of software or diagnose a disease are hard skills. They will get you a job.

Soft skills are a group of abilities that allow a person to be more productive in every aspect of their lives: skills like empathy, self-control, and grit. Soft skills will get you promoted.

Just like academic skills, soft skills, especially social ones, build on themselves over time. Don’t try to cram them all into one conversation. But look for opportunities to model and teach good habits like these that will point your teenager toward long-term success in school, in business, and in life.

 

Here are 6 lessons that every student can benefit from.

  • A handshake and a smile go a long way.
    I didn’t learn this until I went to college, where I was fortunately surrounded by others who had learned and showed me the way. I’m sure you’ve experienced this too, but I’m often surprised at how quickly a situation can go from awkward to fun when I offer my hand and introduce myself.
  • Limit the time you spend on people who bring more drama than joy to your life.
    It’s not that things don’t happen or that you shouldn’t support your friends. But if you find yourself constantly trying to figure out why your friend is mad at you or how you can make reparations, reconsider the amount of time you have to dedicate to that friend.
  • “You don’t make friends. You find friends.” Dr. Lisa Damour
    This one is two-fold. If you are busy finding friends, you don’t have as much time to worry about whether or not you’ll be left out. Also, find the people who inspire you. Hopefully, they will help you become your best version of yourself too.
  • Don’t be afraid to fail. It’s a valid step on the path to success.
    As a recovering perfectionist, I fail at this regularly. However, I vividly remember a conversation with my dad during the college selection process, which rendered me a nervous wreck, where he told me it was ok to choose one and decide later it wasn’t for me. I can’t tell you how much better that made me feel. Sometimes we all need a reminder.
  • Ask for help when you need it.
    More people are willing to help you than you think; everyone needs help sometimes! When we learn to ask for help, we build relationships and emotional support, too. It even makes it easier for others to ask for help when they see it modeled for them. It’s a win-win-win.
  • Make eating healthy and sleep priorities. There’s no substitute for good health.
    There are countless studies on this one. Lack of sleep hinders your ability to make good choices, remember things, drive a car, and so much more. You cannot replace sleep with caffeine, good hydration, exercise, or pills. There is no substitute.

Of course, there are many other soft skills that we hope your teen is learning! Time management, healthy screen habits, and managing emotions are a few that come to mind.

Be sure to tell us in the comments which soft skills you have benefitted the most from! Which ones are you teaching your teenagers?

Kelly Fann
Kelly Fann

Digital Media Manager

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If you’re present, they will come.

If you’re present, they will come.

by | May 25, 2022 | Blog, Parenting

In March of 2020, I knew the names of a lot of my neighbors. We’d lived in our house for over 4 years, and we’d always walked a lot around our neighborhood. We have the kind of neighborhood where a lot of people sit on their front porch or stop us to ask if the boys would like to pet their dog. So, we probably knew the names of a few people on every street- in a casual, hello-and-goodbye sort of way.

I knew the names of my immediate neighbors but rarely saw them for more than a few minutes at a time.

And then suddenly, we were home. And all we had to do was walk. As a consequence, we were always outside, and very often, if we weren’t walking, we were camped out in our garage or on our driveway.

If anyone appeared in our alleyway for any reason, we were ready with enthusiastic hellos and nothing but time.

It didn’t happen overnight.

But in a long series of waves and hellos, we made friends. They brought their vacation pictures from 20 years ago to show us the time they were in Rome. We traded halves of cakes, loaves of bread, and cups of sugar.

We watched the people on our street change and new people arrived. There we were with baked goods and enthusiastic hellos, and more to the point, availability.

We don’t know everyone the same, but our relationships are deeper. More meaningful. More connected.

Somewhere in the middle, people went back to the office or back to restaurants and stores, but they also started coming over and cracking the front door to call in when they knew we were home. People who have little in common with us except for location became friends.

I tell you this story to say this:

You may feel like you have nothing in common with teens. Like they don’t want you around or don’t want to talk. But the number one quality that will draw them in and keep them coming back is availability.

Your un-pressured, unhurried, undivided presence.

It may seem impossible for any number of reasons. But if you build it, they will come.

Make tea, grab a book, and wait where they will be, ready with an enthusiastic hello and nothing but time.

Our former CEO, Chris Robey, told us a story about tech breaks once. One day, he was walking into a support group he was leading when he realized he had left his phone in his car by accident. He usually set his phone to “do not disturb”. However, he found that he was more present and a better listener without it. He wasn’t wondering whether he needed to answer a text or how much time they had left. In short, he was more available, physically and mentally.

After that group, he started leaving his phone on purpose. If it’s as easy as removing the distraction, why not?

A huge part of availability is removing distractions and showing up!

Here are a few tips for setting the stage:

Set aside time every day.

Leave space in your schedule that you are intentional about putting your phone away.

Don’t take it personally if it seems like they don’t have time or don’t care.

It definitely matters to them, but sometimes, at the moment, they don’t recognize it.

Be wherever your teen will find you.

Pick a common area where you can read a book, fold laundry, do a crossword puzzle, or do anything else that doesn’t require a screen. If you aren’t present, it’s harder to be available. As a bonus, slowing down sets a great example and is good for your mental health.

Create opportunity.

Invite your teen to do something they enjoy regularly. Ask them for help with something you don’t know how to do. Ask them to go for a walk around the block. If you continue to seek them out, they are more likely to do the same.

Be emotionally present.

When appropriate, talk about your feelings and ask them about theirs. Get curious about what makes them tick.

Be shock-proof no matter what.

You might not get a second chance if they don’t feel like they can trust you with hard things.

​If you haven’t been readily available before now, creating trust will take time. But trust me, if you stay consistent, they will come.

Consider the time you spend now on availability an investment in your relationship. Over the long term, the payoff is most likely better than you expect it will be!

Kelly Fann
Kelly Fann

Digital Media Manager

The Science of Play. The Art of Fun.

The Science of Play. The Art of Fun.

by | Oct 23, 2021 | Blog, Mental Health, Parenting, Personal Development

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much fun have you had this week?

How many times have you felt completely free and completely alive?

I’ve recently been listening to the Happiness Lab podcast with Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos. Dr. Santos is most known for the most highly-attended class at Yale, entitled The Science of Well-Being. That’s a fancy course name for “How to Be Happier.” What’s not to love about that?

In a recent episode of her podcast, Dr. Santos joined a research project on how to have more fun, led by Catherine Price, author of The Power Of Fun: How To Feel Alive Again. Catherine Price describes having fun as being “engaged, focused, connected, and completely present.”

It’s not scrolling or checking notifications, zoning out or vegging on the couch. It’s laughing, twirling, soaking in life. It’s that feeling when you turn off your phone for take-off and settle in for a long flight – or is that just me?

It got me thinking about why fun matters- and how to have more of it.

 

It turns out, the science of fun is pretty interesting.

Even though everyone has their own idea of what’s fun, getting to do what we want, when we want is key. So if my mom says I have to do it a certain way, it probably doesn’t count as play any more!

Sharing the activity with other people is also key! When most people recall fun experiences, they are usually with other people. Introverts included. In the last year, we’ve all seen the negative effects of isolation. It stands to reason that the reverse is true. When we have fun together, we reap benefits too.

Physically, when we’re having fun, we get a hit of dopamine, the same feel-good hormone we get when we’re eating our favorite food, being rewarded or falling in love.

And when we get large hits of dopamine, we also lose track of time. If you’re thinking “time flies when you’re having fun,” it turns out it kind of does! Yasemin Saplakoglu writes for LiveScience.com about the research of Joe Paton, a neuroscientist at the Champalimaud Foundation:
“When you’re having fun, [brain] cells are more active, they release a lot of dopamine and your brain judges that less time has passed than actually has. When you’re not having fun, these cells don’t release as much dopamine, and time seems to slow down.”

Not only do we gain a lot of benefits from taking time to play, but when we don’t there are negative side effects too.

Depression, anxiety, and irritability are all symptoms of a lack of play, according to Dr. Stuart Brown, the former chief of Psychiatry at Mercy Hospital and Medical Center in San Diego and author of the book Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (Avery, 2009).

There’s even research that suggests that having fun increases productivity and reduces burnout. It reduces stress and balances hormones. It’s the spoonful of sugar AND the medicine!

 

So basically to sum it up…

FUN:
  • Strengthens relationships
  • Makes time fly
  • Decreases depression and anxiety
  • Increases productivity and reduces burnout
  • Makes us healthier

Fun creates bonds and builds resilience, in ourselves and in our families. It makes us better parents, friends, teachers, colleagues. It can actually make us healthier, happier people. A

nd when we do go back to work, because accomplishing goals is awesome too, it helps us be more creative problem solvers and more productive.

That’s great. But I’m busy, you say. I don’t have time to do more. So how do I have more fun?

 

I’m glad you asked! Here are a few ideas to consider:

    1. Try noticing one delightful thing every day.
      Start small. Look for something that makes you smile – or laugh! – and dwell on it, journal it, revel in it for just a moment. For me, I am ridiculously overjoyed by lizard sightings, butterflies, or the way my kids say “afore” instead of “before”. Or the fact that my youngest is suddenly insisting that everyone give him “two blue Easter eggs” for his birthday in February.
    2. Invest time in a hobby.
      Reading, crossword puzzles, painting, pickup basketball games. It might feel like skipping school at first, but research shows that it will make you more efficient and more productive when you return to work.
    3. Plan a family “yes day.”
      Watch the movie Yes Day on Netflix if you don’t know what a yes day is! Pick a day and treat it like a stay-cation. Everyone gets a say in what you do and everyone’s all-in. Remember, having fun together strengthens your bond and increases resilience in your kids.
    4. Have regular family date nights.
      Put everyone’s phone away and go bowling or play games. (We’ve got some game ideas here.) Make sure that everyone gets a chance to choose the activity and don’t make it about the rules or manners. Laugh together as much as possible!
    5. Experiment with new activities.
      Take a dance class or piano lessons. But don’t be afraid to quit if you’re not having fun. Just because it’s fun for someone else, doesn’t mean you have to like it!
    6. Schedule free time into your family’s calendar.
      It takes intentionality to keep the family calendar from looking like a war plan. But just like well-visits and teeth cleanings, everyone needs unscheduled free play every now and again.

     

  2. It turns out, fun is as important for your health as eating healthy, drinking enough water or exercising. And if you don’t believe me, just do a quick Google search and you’ll find a lot more research to prove it! So, take the scenic route, stop to smell the roses, play a little PacMan. It’s worth every second.

 

  1. And if you have more ideas on easy ways to incorporate fun into your day, drop us a note in the comments!
Kelly Fann
Kelly Fann

Digital Media Manager

How Much is TOO MUCH? Winning at Screen Time

How Much is TOO MUCH? Winning at Screen Time

by | Jun 24, 2021 | Blog, Mental Health, Parenting, Technology

As a teenager, my favorite way to spend the summer was with a steady diet of microwaved ramen noodles, Matlock reruns, and a stack of Jane Austen novels. My parents worried that I didn’t get out enough, that I didn’t have enough friends, and somewhere in there maybe they worried that I watched too much television. Of course, no one called it “screen time” back then.

Since those late nineties summers, the mild anxiety parents once had about “too much television” has shifted from a generic concern about sedentary habits to scientifically backed fears over “screen-time limits”.

But how much is too much and why?

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry in February 2020 “children ages 8-12 in the United States spend 4-6 hours a day watching or using screens, and teens spend up to 9 hours.”

Pre-pandemic, they were estimating that teens spend as much time on screens as they do sleeping, maybe more.

Some of the risks of too much screen time are measurable- eye strain, depression, insomnia. Some are less easily measured- irritability, lack of movement, lack of coping skills, poor self-image and body image issues.

But how much is too much? The American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recently changed its guidelines to reflect that the answer to that question is elusive.

Most psychologists and child development experts agree that screen time easily interferes with activities that boost creativity and mental health- activities such as time outdoors, exercising, and building social skills like empathy and recognizing social cues.

But when kids are at school, parents have little to no control over how much exposure kids have to screens. Tablets and TVs are integrated into classroom lessons, making screen time unavoidable. And they can always find a friend with a smartphone.

However, there are many ways to optimize the time you have with teens outside of school and to help them navigate healthy and unhealthy behaviors around screens.

Here are a few tips for minimizing the negative effects of screen time and prioritizing healthy habits.

Teachers and parents alike can advocate for more movement in every teen’s day. Take your kids or your class outside to move around, have everyone stand up and stretch when you feel like you are losing their attention. Movement boosts creativity and information retention (and for those who stayed up too late chatting, it wakes up the brain)!

Encourage outdoor activities without screens like walking, hiking, or even sitting on a bench and reading a paperback novel. Being outside is good for everyone.

Create a parent/child tech contract like this one or this one. When teens are involved in the decision process, they feel empowered and are more likely to take heed.

When you have family time, turn off the TV and put your phones away. Pick a “getting to know you” question that everyone has to answer at dinner. Share your highs and lows of the day. Be together.

Have a centralized charging station (for everyone’s phone) to prevent late night scrolling and encourage healthy sleep habits.

Do a digital detox. This means you too, Mom and Dad. Pick a day that everyone will turn off their phones and go explore the world or have a family game night! (Listen here for tips on fun games even your teen won’t hate!)

My kids are still young, but we take a day-long digital detox whenever I have to field repeated requests to watch a show or whenever someone throws a fit about watching or ending a show. Zero tolerance. It’s a luxury we have, but at the first signs of moodiness, whining or insistence, we cut the cords.

Parents and teachers have the power to guide kids through healthy screen time boundaries.

It’s hard to say how much is too much. We use screens in so many different ways. You know your children and your students best. Look for cues that they aren’t sleeping or that their body image is changing. It’s true that they are teenagers, and moodiness is often just raging hormones, but take time to notice what their cues are telling you, trust your instincts, and be prepared to step in.

After all, it’s our job as parents and helpers to guide teens into adulthood, and screen habits are as much a part of our lives today as brushing your teeth and eating enough vegetables.

Most importantly, make sure that you are leading by example, because too many things matter more and it’s our job to help kids and teens discover them.

Kelly Fann
Kelly Fann

Digital Media Manager