Karlie Duke

Learning to Unplug as a Family

by Karlie Duke | Apr 13, 2017 | Parenting, Personal Development, Social Media, Technology

This post was originally written by Sarah Brooks for her blog over at Life as of Late. Her blog is a great (and hilarious) commentary on parenting little ones, but she also has a unique and honest perspective on parenting teenagers in a digital world. We wanted to share this post here because we love the heart and suggestions behind this blog, BUT we also wanted to share this so you will head over to her blog and give her some love. If you are struggling with how to parent in the midst of Snapchat, Instagram and other social media sites, she is your gal, and her posts on social media will change your life! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us, Sarah!

Junior high is a rough time. It’s awkward, it’s pimply…you’re trying to figure out who you are and where you belong. You’re trying not to panic about your body parts that are growing and doing weird, new things.

Junior high is a lot of social experimentation. Not necessarily experimenting with drugs and alcohol, more like experimenting with friendships.

Learning what is kind vs. what hurts people’s feelings. Learning what traits draw others in vs. alienate the general population. Learning the difference between high-energy and just plain obnoxious.

I wouldn’t wish my junior high self on my worst enemy.

But.

When I had a bad day in junior high – when I was super obnoxious and alienated everyone in the vicinity with my hyperactive energy – I got to go home, relax, maybe watch an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and start again the next day.

My social life took a break at 3pm and reconvened in the morning.

Now?

It. never. stops.

If social media is communication for teens….if social media is their social life, then as long as they have a phone in their possession, their social life never ends.

Their friends follow them home in their pocket. They sit with them on the couch. They hang out in their bedroom.

Their bad days don’t just last from 7:30am to 3pm, they last 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

They do a terrible job of unplugging.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

We do a terrible job of unplugging.

We can’t expect our kids to know how to unplug when we’re still replying to work emails at 10pm. We can’t expect them to turn it off when we spend every spare second mindlessly scrolling through Facebook.

starting small

I don’t have teenagers. I have small kids. But all too soon those kids will grow into junior high kids. And then high school kids.

And I don’t want to wait until we have an issue before we start setting technology boundaries.

And, really, I don’t want to wait until I see a screen addiction in my children before I start addressing the addiction in myself.

So here are a few of our family rules. It isn’t exhaustive, just some ideas that are helping us pave the way now for better conversations later.

Not yet for teenagers, for ourselves. For our family.

1. TECH-FREE ZONES

When my oldest was 3, we went to the park. I let him run up ahead and start playing on the playground while I finished up an email. He ran to the top of the slide, looked down at me and said, “Mommy – will you come play with me? You can bring your phone!”

Oh, ok, daggers in my heart.

Here’s the thing: I was emailing a friend of mine about a fundraiser we were having to support orphans in Africa. I mean, couldn’t have been doing anything better with my phone. But did my son see it that way? No. He saw a mom with a screen in front of her face.

It’s not about never being on your phone.

It’s about finding good times and places to use technology.

It’s about asking your spouse and your kids, “Hey, when am I on my phone when you wish I weren’t?” Turns out there’s always an answer.

Here are a few of our tech-free zones:

dinner table (both at home and at restaurants)
riding in the car with spouse
playing at the park
anywhere we play with our friends

2. LIMIT DOUBLE-SCREENING

If you’re going to watch tv, watch tv. If you’re going to play on the iPad, play on the iPad. If you’re going to read on the Kindle, read on the Kindle.

It’s ridiculous to play Candy Crush while watching tv while texting while watching YouTube videos. That’s a straight up self-control issue.

Cut the double, triple, quadruple screen time.

Choose one and go with it.

3. MOVE THE PHONE FROM THE NIGHTSTAND

Can you imagine what would happen if we reached for something other than our phone first thing in the morning?

Can you imagine if we started our day with our spouse and with our family instead of with the world? Work? Instagram?

When our kids see us make this a priority, it sets the stage for the later rule of no phones in your room overnight. Period. (Like, really. See this post.)

4. MAKE PEOPLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN TECHNOLOGY

When Daddy comes home from work, we put down the Kindle and run to greet him. When grandparents FaceTime, we pause the tv and talk to them. When friends are over, screens get turned off and put away.

We’re not on our devices all the time. Not even a lot, really. But if there is ever a choice between greeting someone we love and continuing to watch Paw Patrol, the screen will never win.

And if my kids have a hard time turning it off or putting it away without whining, we lose the privilege for a while.

People are more important than technology. Always.

Unplugging is hard. But watching our kids learn their value and identity from an online world they don’t know how to turn off is harder.

We’ve got to figure out how to unplug well now.

WHAT RULES DO YOU HAVE FOR YOUR FAMILY?

impart your wisdom, oh interwebs.

Sarah Brooks is a blogger, mom of 3 boys and social media expert! She has spoken across the country at various groups, churches, and schools about social media (the good, the bad, and the confusing), most of which stemmed from a post she wrote called Parents: A Word About Instagram. As a Millenial herself, she is passionate about bridging the gap between parents and teens on all things social media. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!

Feed the Need

by Karlie Duke | Mar 23, 2017 | Events, Mental Health

Last Summer, I wrote a post called Helping When It Hurts about what we can do in the midst of hunger and pain. It was mainly inspired by a trip I took to Haiti where I held the hands and looked into the faces of children who were hungry and in need of help. I think it is easy to think of Haitians or other starving children around the world when we think of hunger. However, hunger does not just exist in third-world countries. Hunger is in your neighborhood, your kid’s school, on the end of your pew in church. Don’t believe me? According to Voly.org:

In Texas 1 in 4 children (1.8 million) are hungry or at risk of hunger—the 2nd highest number of food insecure children among all 50 states.
Tarrant County is one of 19 counties in the nation with more than 100,000 food-insecure children.
Texas ranks as the third highest state in household food insecurity.

I don’t know about you, but those statistics are shocking to me!

That is why Teen Life is changing up its annual #TL5K for a Feed the Need event! Instead of holding a 5K walk/run, our Spring Fundraiser will end with a Packing Party on April 21st where our fundraisers and volunteers will get together to assemble 10,000 meals that will be distributed to hungry students in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.

We meet with students every week who have hard home-lives, who work overtime to make extra money to support their families, who need just a little extra help. We are so excited about the opportunity to not only equip, encourage and empower teenagers through Support Groups, but to also provide teens with the physical resources they need.

But how can you help? We would love for you to join us in our efforts to change teenagers’ lives by partnering with us in one (or more!) of the following ways:

You can fundraise.

This fundraiser is different from most other fundraisers. People do not pay to be a part of an event; instead, people sign up to be fundraisers and ask friends and family to sponsor them for the Feed the Need Event. It is pretty simple! As a fundraiser, you will have a personal link that you can text, email or post about. We have found that people are eager to give to a cause that you and they believe in.

If you would like to sign up to become a fundraiser and join us at our Packing Party Celebration on April 21st, go to this link and click “Become a Fundraiser.” You can sign up at any point and start making a difference by raising funds to help teenagers!

You can sponsor.

We are also looking for corporate sponsors to partner with us and make this event one to remember! We have a Corporate Sponsorship Packet that you can look over and choose the level that works best for you. We love our business partners and especially love the way they invest in our students and community.

If you would like to be a sponsor, you can either give online here or mail a check to our office at 2501 W. Southlake Blvd., Southlake, TX 76092.

You can pray.

We need people to be in prayer for this event, the students who will receive the meals they pack, and the future students who will experience Support Groups because of the money raised over the next month. We have a prayer team that receives specific prayer requests and meets to pray over the direction of Teen Life and the lives that are reached because of the generous people who support us.

To join our Feed the Need Prayer Team, you can email me! I will make sure you start getting our Prayer Team Updates.

So, what do you think? How will you join our efforts to equip, encourage and empower teenagers?

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.

Moving in the Right Direction

by Karlie Duke | Mar 2, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Personal Development

Moving is the worst. It’s stressful, expensive and downright exhausting!

My husband and I just moved into a new house. We have spent months planning, looking for the perfect home, packing and finally moving. Now that we are in our new home, I have a chance to catch my breath and reflect on the moving process.

As much as I dislike moving, there are some great benefits to going through a big move. Benefits that can even be applied to real life! While I hope to stay in this house for quite a while to avoid another move, I plan on using this experience to purge and clean up my own life.

With this move in mind, here are 5 simple ways to start moving your life (and the lives of teenagers) in the right direction:

Plan ahead.

A move would not be successful if you decided to throw everything together last minute. The same goes for life! Plan ahead, set goals, and think before acting.

Not every part of life can be planned or controlled. Most of life is made up of unexpected moments and uncontrollable circumstances. But it is important to set goals for where you want your life to go.

It is hard to make a move in the right direction if you don’t know where you’re headed!

In all of our support groups, we ask students to share where there lives are now and make a goal for where they would like to be in the future. These don’t have to be big goals; in fact, we encourage small, simple things at first. Maybe it is getting a few extra hours of sleep, having a more respectful attitude towards adults, or replacing a bad habit with a better coping skill.

Write down a plan. Be willing to be flexible, but don’t compromise on your goals!

Get rid of clutter.

We had so much to move…lots of boxes, décor, clothes, and more! But before we started packing, I took the extra time to purge clutter and items that I knew we wouldn’t use in the new house.

This was time-consuming and frustrating, but now that we are in the new house, I am so glad that I got rid of the clutter! I was not interested in moving broken, old, or useless things in this new home, which gave me a better chance to start fresh.

We have clutter in our lives that we need to get rid of before we start moving to the place we want to be. Clutter could include something like a bad habit, or clutter could also be something good that is taking up too much time or space.

The best way to get rid of clutter is to list the things that take up our time and energy. Once this list is complete, ask yourself, “What are the things that I dislike doing? What are the things that I could get rid of?”

Not all clutter is bad. But it is important to free up space in your life for the things that help you reach your goals!

Before you make a big move, start cleaning.

Total transparency – I learned this lesson by doing the opposite. Before we moved, I thought, “Why clean when we are about to move anyway? It’s silly to clean, pack, and then clean again!”

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

When we moved, our furniture was dusty and the rugs were gross. Instead of being smart and saving energy on the front end, I created more work for myself and brought dirt from our old house into this new home.

It is hard to have a clean start when you are bringing dirt and mess from your past.

Similar to removing clutter, it is so much better to clean up your life before trying to make a big life move.

Clean up your language, your time management skills, any grudges you are holding on to, or the way you handle stress. It is so much easier to move in the right direction when you know that you aren’t bringing dust from past experiences.

Surround yourself with the right people.

There is no way we could have made this move without friends and family. They helped us pack, gave us advice, and even gave up a Saturday afternoon to make sure we were moved into our new house. I can’t imagine how much more stressful this situation could have been if we did not have the right people around us encouraging us the whole time.

The same is true in life.

Connection and relationship are vital to success, especially when you are trying to tackle something new and big. When trying to reach a goal or make a life change, don’t do it alone! Reach out to those around you for support and encouragement.

According to the CDC, teenagers who feel connected are less likely to engage in risky behaviors and more likely to have higher grades and better attendance at school. That is no coincidence! Positive, life-giving people make all the difference.

Relax and celebrate the small accomplishments.

I am still telling myself this as I stare at the mountain of boxes and stacks of things to be put away around my house. It is so easy to get overwhelmed when going through a big move. You see a To-Do list a mile long and often don’t take the time to properly celebrate how far you have already come. Last night, we unpacked the study. It is one small room, but it is an accomplishment that doesn’t need to be overlooked!

Especially with students and teenagers, we need to celebrate the small accomplishments when they happen – this encourages continued growth and forward motion.

So maybe they haven’t made straight A’s yet, but celebrate that they passed their last test! Do they still have an anger problem? Celebrate when they handle one situation in a healthy way. Give them credit for helping out around the house even if their room isn’t completely spotless.

Celebrate the little moments. This doesn’t mean that you have to throw a party or lower your expectations but stop for a reward when you make steps toward your goal. Go out to your favorite restaurant. Spend a fun weekend with friends or relax in the bathtub. Take the time to be proud of the progress you are making.

Moving houses or moving directions in life can be frustrating, overwhelming and simply not fun. But let’s encourage each other to continue to move in the right direction toward a healthier place!

Director of Communications

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A Teenage Love Story

by Karlie Duke | Feb 9, 2017 | Dating, Mental Health, Personal Development

The importance of talking about true love with teenagers

Think about your favorite love stories…are they real? From movie scenes? Are they written by your favorite author?

Teenage love stories are often awkwardly, impossibly romantic. The kind you find in sitcoms, books and blockbuster movies. Think awkward teen falling in love with a vampire who is 100 years older than her. Best friends finally realizing they love each other and living happily ever after. Imagine Inside Out’s picture of an imaginary boyfriend claiming, “I would die for Riley.”

In the midst of awkward imperfection comes perfect romance. We don’t watch movies or read books that end with a horrible breakup and no happy conclusion. We enjoy love stories that end with hope for a better future and hope that we could also one day find a love like that – a love that reads a notebook full of their love story every day, the kind of love that changes the beast into a man, a love that can even survive carbon-freezing in a galaxy far, far away.

But why don’t we put the same emphasis on the kind of love that is hard and real? Sometimes love hurts, it disappoints, it is jealous, it is almost always messy. When we have a view of love that is only good and sweet and always smells good, it is easy to walk away when it gets hard. Why would we settle for a love that doesn’t always bring joy? There must be something wrong with this person if I don’t always find them cute and charming like in the movies…

We do a disservice to teenagers when we encourage them to settle on surface-level, easy love. Because that’s what it is!

True love, faithful love is the kind of love that sticks it out when it isn’t easy. The kind of love you really want will be hard and difficult, but it is so worth it! That is what I want teenagers to hear.

Don’t settle for love that only comes around when your makeup is done or your shirt is clean – fall in love with the person who still kisses you when you have morning breath and a hole in your shirt. Don’t look for a love that completes your world – find someone who will make you better for the world.

Click or tap on the images below to read an excerpt from the journal of a High School girl (taken with permission). In this entry to God, she is realizing that hope, joy and purpose are not found in her boyfriend. He isn’t perfect but neither is she. I love her vulnerability and the way that she acknowledges the difficulty of finding a love that matters – in this case, a love with her Savior, Jesus Christ.

I’ve ended up changing myself to fit his lifestyle to fit his lifestyle when all along I’ve been trying to change his lifestyle. If anything I’m doing more harm than good.

Teen in Love

So what do we do with this? There is pain, confusion and uncertainty with all love, but especially when it comes to teenage love. Our teenagers are trying to figure out school, family, friends, extracurricular activities, and then you throw hormones into the mix and everything gets jumbled!

From this letter, I hope you see the importance of talking to teens about love, expectations and balancing all the exciting things (or distractions) that come with being a teen. Use the television shows, movies and books that they love to talk about the reality of love and where they should find their value. Don’t hide your own relationships from them, but model healthy, hard, real love (whether that is with a spouse, friend, or family member).

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I hope you will be extra sensitive to the vulnerabilities and temptations that can come with teenage love. They need you to show them what real love looks like – don’t miss the opportunity!

We do a disservice to teenagers when we encourage them to settle on surface-level, easy love. Because that’s what it is!

Karlie Duke

Director of Communications

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Why Parents Need Snapchat

by Karlie Duke | Jan 19, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Social Media, Technology

You need Snapchat. Or Facebook. Or Instagram. Or Twitter. Or all of them if you are a real overachiever!

Before you get your defenses up about how you’re too old for Snapchat or how you can’t stand the rants people post on Facebook or how you don’t understand the draw of Twitter, hear me out! If we want to know more about teenagers and their culture, we need to be where they are. And they are on social media all the time. According to Pew Study in 2015, 92% of teens say that they go online daily while 24% of those teenagers are online “almost constantly.”

For these teenagers, social media is not just an app or a hobby, it is their social life. It is where they connect with friends, find out about the latest gossip, watch the video everyone will be talking about tomorrow, flirt with the opposite sex and define their social status through likes and followers.

Earlier this week in one of our Support Groups, I was talking to a boy who was about to go back to his home campus and leave our group. When he asked how we could stay in touch after the group, his first question was not, “What’s your email?” or “Could I have your phone number?” No. The question he asked was, “Are you on Snapchat?”

Now, I could write an entire blog on setting social media boundaries with teenagers who aren’t related to you (and maybe I will soon!), but even though I am not going to connect with him on Snapchat, it is telling that it was his first step to connect outside of face-to-face interaction. To teenagers, where else would you go to talk? How else would you keep up with friends?

If social media is that important to our teenagers, then we need to be willing to go where they are. That doesn’t mean that you should write embarrassing things on their wall or post baby pictures that will cause social homicide, but being on the platforms they are on gives you credibility and something to talk about. It gives you insight into those “scary apps” that you hear about from other parents or mommy blogs and puts you in control of what platforms they are allowed to participate on. Before you knock Snapchat, try it! You might like seeing short videos and pictures throughout your teenager’s day. You’ll probably laugh at the goofy filters and voices they use. You might even find out a little more information about where they are and who they are spending time with.

Social media can be a good thing both for teenagers and for parents, but we must take the fear and anxiety out of these apps. The easiest way to do that is to get informed! If you are still unsure about the whole social media thing, give this podcast with Sarah Brooks a listen, or find out more about Snapchat with this podcast!

I will make one note about social media interactions with those who aren’t your children: a safe rule is to make sure that your interactions with teenagers are public on social media – Snapchat might not be the best place to check in on teens of the opposite sex or to go back and forth with private snaps throughout the day. Keep Facebook interactions public and on their wall – maybe even wait for them to friend or follow you first! Above all, be smart about how you interact with teenagers in any situation, whether digital or not.

What apps are your teenagers using? What do you think about getting on these social media platforms yourself? Try it and let us know how it goes!

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.

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